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    • #144731
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hi I’m new, abuser is (detail removed by moderator) for attacking me with our children in the home. He didn’t live with me and we have been in a very toxic on and off relationship for many years.
      I’ve come to realise I’ve been emotionally abused for years scared to completely walk away but only just realising I was actually scared. I feel stupid and guilty that I didn’t notice and my kids have now been exposed to physical domestic violence. The kids are having no contact at all with him and I can’t help feeling guilty that he will be missing his kids, I don’t know why though when it’s his actions that caused this. I said awful things the night he attacked me. I feel like I’ve ruined things for the kids, I’m constantly anxious of what he is going to do after (detail removed by moderator) He won’t just let me go I know this for a fact. He will be furious I’ve pressed charges and not allowing contact with children. I’ve just got so many emotions. I hate this and just want to go back to that night and not argue back.

    • #144740
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Binky

      Welcome to the forum.

      If you could go back to that night and not argue back, I wonder what the outcome would be.

      There is a really good book called “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven. It goes through all the different types of abuse. If you are able to read it I suspect you’ll find that you and your children were experiencing a range of abuses.

      Abusers will abuse regardless of your response. If you had kept quiet he would have just moved the goalposts and he would have ended up attacking you for something else.

      It is hard not to feel sorry for them. Abusers pick compassionate partners for a reason but as a mother of 2 adult children, please believe me when I say that it is better for your children not to see him.

      Protecting your children from abusive influences must be your prime concern. Protecting yourself is a very clise 2nd.

      You did the right thing reporting him and you have shown great courage in doing so.

      Have you been given any information on getting a non molestation order or getting your house flagged for 999 calls?

    • #144746
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Yes I have, the police have been wonderful. They have me as a high risk victim so have flagged me for 999 calls they’ve also gps tagged him until court so at the moment we are safe. I’m so worried about after the court case though and the effect all this could have on my children. The constant anxiety of what he will do next when the tag is removed. He will not be happy about all this as he doesn’t see himself as being abusive at all. I will certainly try that book thank you for the recommendation. At the moment it just feels like it’s never going to end.

    • #144753
      Eggshells
      Participant

      They never do see themselves as abusive. As far as they are concerned, their behaviour is always someone else’s fault.

      It sounds like you could do with a little professional advice. Have you tried the Women’s Aid chat line?

      https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

      There are ways to help your children through the court case and ways to keep you safe. Women’s Aid will be able to explain your options.

      It is not OK for you to be living in fear like this.

      Sending hugs. xx

    • #144768
      tiredofitall
      Participant

      I told my other half that I was leaving when our son was small. He convinced me that he would change and if I did this and that it would be different. I believed him. We had another baby and then I felt trapped and foolish for not seeing what was obvious. Those little children are now teenagers and they have seen snd heard things that they should not have. I wish I had trusted my instincts. So if you can, stay strong and believe that this will be better for them in the long run. It is so damaging for them to see abuse (physical or emotional). I’m rooting for you.

    • #144784
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      Hey Anonymous, it is so overwhelming where you are now. I remember there were lots of phone calls, the shock of being deemed high risk, having home linked to police, alarms put in! The anxiety you feel will get easier with no contact, zero contact… my teenagers also witnessed abuse in different forms and are now having counselling to help.

      You have nothing to feel guilty about, your husband would have had you confused for a long time so he could continue to abuse you, this is not your fault.. you fell in love with a man and were bonded to him, you also trusted him and would have had some great times…. now ypu can see the abuse you have suffered… be kind to yourself.

      Once his tag is removed if he does anything to harrass/abuse/stalk you dial 999, do not take any chances. He may well play the victim as a lot of them do that.

      Be kind, hour by hour, I lost 3 stone due to anxiety when I separated from my abusive ex husband. Have you seen your GP and made them aware?
      Sending love and strength ❤️ 💪

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