This topic contains 7 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Donkey 2 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #85252
     Donkey 
    Participant

    Hi to anyone who has been through this.
    I really need advice and support.
    I’ve been in an abusive relationship for (detail removed by moderator) years. Both physically and mentally abusive.
    I moved to be with this man as he had two children from a previous relationship.
    Gave up my job and apartment.
    Red flags started before I moved but I didn’t identify it as abuse.
    Putting the phone down, wanting to speak to me every evening for hours and FaceTime so he knew my where abouts.
    Within a month of moving in with him I saw his temper.
    He wanted me to work for him from home.
    Care for his children when they were with us.
    Keep house.
    But not go out to work or make new friends or even stay in touch with my old friends or family.
    I was given the silent treatment if I went back to my family home or had contact with any friends especially male ones.
    During this time I have had 2 miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy where I nearly bled to death trying to pretend I was ok (detail removed by moderator).
    A black eye last (detail removed by moderator) made me start planning to leave.
    I contacted victim support and domestic abuse hotline.
    Started planning.
    I found out I was pregnant again.
    A pregnancy test for me brings fear of loss or near death again.
    I believed at the time I didn’t want to stress and lose another baby but actually that was him saying that and I feared his reaction if I left.
    I stayed and made it through to (detail removed by moderator) months pregnant before I couldn’t take the cycle of abuse anymore.
    I told him I wanted my mother to be my birthing partner and needed her support.
    He agreed as wanted my family to believe he was a good guy.
    He visited every 2 weeks until the birth to check I was ‘ok’?
    He bought the baby equipment.
    He gave me gifts.
    My birth was traumatic.
    I had (detail removed by moderator) and was rushed to surgery.
    My miracle baby was without me for (detail removed by moderator) hours while I was in recovery.
    My mum was traumatised by the way it was handled by the hospital.
    Watching her daughter bleeding and passing out, left holding the baby.
    She hasn’t been the same since towards me or the baby.
    My partner the babies father came late in the evening that day to meet the baby and then left within a couple of hours.
    He said he had to work and look after his other children as I wasn’t there.
    I was in hospital for (detail removed by moderator).
    He only came when it was time to be discharged.
    And to encourage me to return to him so that he could help me with the baby in view of my recovery.
    I left and returned with him as I was overwhelmed with being a new mum.
    I was wrong.
    The cycle of abuse started immediately.
    My baby is nearly (detail removed by moderator) months.
    I’m still recovering physically from the labour.
    I have been diagnosed with post partem anxiety and ptsd.
    My baby cries a lot,I am alone all day.
    I wonder if she us crying because she is picking up on my stress and anxiety.
    I need to have the courage to leave this man. The courage to tell my family.
    The courage to start again.
    I’m scared of his reaction if I take his daughter.
    He is constantly said it’s me abusing him and that no one will believe me as I have anxiety.
    I am returning to my family home (detail removed by moderator).
    I hope to never return to him.
    I’m scared of being a single mother.
    I’m scared of starting again.
    I’m scared of the manipulation to come because I have his daughter.
    Any advice or someone to tell me they have done this and survived it.

  • #85261
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    Hi and welcome Donkey, you will find lots of support and encouragement here. You have been through severe trauma and for yours and your daughter’s sake you need to leave. Could you plan to stay with your family and not go back? Have you ever reported anything he’s done to the police? It seems like a good opportunity if it’s (detail removed by moderator). Keep posting and I’m sure the other ladies will have some good advice – I’m relatively new as well. Xx

  • #85262
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    i could have written this – i was the same left in hospital alone- to be such a happy time too i was ill. i also had (detail removed by moderator). i know its scary to be a single parent but its actually fine. this type off man isnt able to be a good supportive father and you end up bringing the kids up on your own anyway. i brought up my eldest daughter all off her life in an abusive relationship. she is quite messed up because off this. there is so much to go into. start at the beginning reach out and get advice from womens aid. the fact that you have anxiety and ptsd is because off himm too and the birth. its definitely not enough reason to ever take you child away. that will never happen. it might for him tho and this is the outcome we had. we dont see him at all because off his abuse and the courts agreed – they ma the decision. this is a tough road but doable and you need professional help to get out off this situation you cant do it alone and you dont have too xxxx love diymum

    • #85280
       Donkey 
      Participant

      Hunky dory I’m frightened to contact the police.
      I reported the abuse to domestic abuse hotline, they directed the call to a local service and I heard nothing until 6 months later, they contacted him and his ex wife.
      But not me.
      I was heavily pregnant.

      I complained to them as they put me in danger and my unborn baby.
      When the baby was born.
      Social services contacted me.
      I told them he was abusive.
      They spoke to him and gave him enough information to know it was me that reported it.
      They have not offered to help.
      I feel they have only put us at risk.

  • #85277
     Donkey 
    Participant

    Thankyou already for your responses. Especially about your daughter diymom.
    I need to hear this although it makes me cry.
    I cannot let this happen to her.
    I find the cycle of abuse exhausting.
    It took me a long time to have this precious baby.
    I have told some of my family this evening.
    I’ve always refered to them as a fair weather family as they are great with the good but avoid the bad.
    There is possible domestic abuse from childhood that I have only just realised.
    There was pity but no offer of help.
    I’m exhausted.
    I need to find the strength to leave.
    I know when I’m visiting family he will try to charm me back.
    How do I stop the cycle.
    Why am I still listening to him?

  • #85289
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    What about calling women’s aid and explaining what happened in the past? If you don’t have support from your family are there any friends you can trust? I hope you can find a way out of this, a call or online chat to women’s aid would be a good first step xx

  • #85290
     HunkyDory 
    Participant

    If your family were sympathetic can you approach them again and directly ask for their help? xx

  • #85319
     Donkey 
    Participant

    Hunkydory I will ask my family again (detail removed by moderator). Thankyou xx

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