New here, hoping for change

[Sparklejar]

Hi everyone,

I’ve felt trapped in my marriage for a few years. Together (detail removed by moderator), married (detail removed by moderator). I’ve also been struggling with chronic pain for (detail removed by moderator) – coincidence?

Things have been wrong and ‘off’ for years. I’ve suspected that my situation is abusive for a couple of years, but everything is so subtle and confusing that I’m always second guessing myself. As many of you can relate to, I’m sure, every encounter becomes confusing, twisted and I end up feeling guilty for his behaviour. It’s impossible for me to explain what’s happened to anyone, I try to journal about incidents immediately, but my thoughts are so clouded with anxiety that I start to doubt myself.

Arghhhh!

I left him last (detail removed by moderator) and rented a small flat by myself. He somehow guilt tripped me feeling like I’d left him with no warning. How can he be so unaware of his behaviour? He moved in with me again last December. My biggest regret. Things were fine for a while, then the old behaviour started to happen again. I knew it would.

I need to end things. I don’t know where to start. I would like him to leave. The tenancy is in my name and all of the bills are too. He currently bears the brunt of the finances, but that’s because my mental health has become so affected by his behaviour that it’s impacted my ability to work. I do work, but not many hours.

I just need to get out for the sake of my mental and physical health, but I’m scared of his reactions.

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome. He’s counting on your fear. They keep us in a fog of Fear Obligation and Guilt. Contact your local women’s aid for advice and you can talk to the domestic abuse unit for advice too about having him removed. He’s no right to be there if it’s your tenancy so it’s much easier to have him removed. You need help to do this safely. These man are emotional parasites and you will be exhausted. They also like to isolate us and keep us dependent on them financially. It’s all part of their deliberate plan. There’s also the national domestic abuse helpline 24/7 x

[Sparklejar]

Thank you for your reply.

Are you sure he has no right to be there? From my google searches it seems that he has rights because we are married Even though the tenancy is in my name?

I’m building up the courage to speak to those services for advice. I have a fear of speaking on the phone and with people that I don’t know because I forget everything I need to say, but I’m working up to it.

[Lisa]

Hi Sparklejar

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum!

I am sorry to hear about your situation and how this affects your physical and mental health. I can see that KIP has already given a really supportive reply, it may be an idea to ask the police to remove him as he has no rights to your home.

You could also have a chat to a support worker through our live chat service and discuss your options in more detail.

Take care and please keep posting, we are all here for you.

Lisa

[Sparklejar]

Hi Lisa,

Thank you for welcoming me. I feel that just joining is a big step in the right direction.

Are you certain that he has no rights regarding my tenancy? I hope that’s the case, but my google searches suggested otherwise.

I will be making use of the live chat – thank you x

[KIP.]

Your local citizens advice could give you more help. If he’s abusive the police can remove him too so you can talk to the domestic abuse police. It’s your tenancy and there are also rules and laws regarding an abuser being removed from a home regardless of marital status or even tenancy status. You’ve fled from him before. Rights of Women have a free legal helpline.

[Sparklejar]

Thank you for the tips. I feel like I just need to take one small step at a time. As long as I keep moving forward!

[Lisa]

Hi Sparklejar,

Yes you have already made a big step forward so well done to you.

You could double check this with Shelter – They have an online chat service and a helpline https://england.shelter.org.uk

Take care and keep posting,

Lisa

[Sparklejar]

Thank you Lisa

[Bettertimesahead]

I’m married, decree nisi just gone through. My husband not allowed here as I have an occupation order against him

[KIP.]

I went for an occupation order too. Otherwise I know he would simply have turned up when he felt like it. Abusers are pathological liars.

[OUTTHEOTHERSIDE]

Hi sparklejar im married and husband is not on the tenancy. Ive had legal advice and unfortunately as we are married he has occupation rights so in order to get him out ive been told I need an occupation order. Unfortunately for me its not so straight forward. Hope this info helps. You should contact a solicitor who offers free 30 mins to confirm this for you x

[Bettertimesahead]

National centre for domestic violence are brilliant at helping out with non molestation and occupation orders

[Empoweredhealing]

Non-molestation and occupation orders are great. Sometimes abusers will only stop if they have criminal consequences. If they think you are alone with no support from the law, they often go on abusing because they can.

[Eggshells]

Hi Sparklejar, Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have a lot of concerns rattling around inside your head and I understand your nervousness about addressing them. It is hard to find the courage but you’ve already taken the first step. Remember how nervous you were about writing your first post? But you did it, you overcame that hurdle and not only survived it but perhaps found some good has come from it?

There is lots of really good advice for you above. Perhaps write down the things that you need to do and then just methodically work your way through it. Perhaps 1 thing a day or 1 a week. The more you do, the more confident you will become.

It can be really hard to get through to rights for women. I never managed it. I had more luck with Citizens Advice. I received really good information from them about the benefits that I could access to keep me afloat until I found a job (I had to leave my job and the area to go no contact with my ex).

If you are able, try to contact your local domestic violence charity. The support you get can be variable but they can be very helpful and supportive in some areas. It’s definitely worth trying them to see what help they can offer you.

[Author]

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