New Here – Just Need Some Advice and To Vent Really

[LegoCity2024]

Hi, I was directed here from Mumsnet after I posted a question about whether I was being selfish to want to leave my marriage. We’ve been together over (detail removed by moderator) years and have 3 children.  I wanted to check out about (detail removed by moderator) years ago and was ready to leave, but the conversation we had went round in circles and he persuaded me to stay, even though I didn’t really want to.  We had another kid after that, and well, here we are.

The points I raised in my original post on Mumsnet suggested that I could be living with a low level covert n********t.  I’ve done lots of research on the subject, and he does have some traits – shifting blame onto me, getting angry over little things, controlling what goes on in the house (not major, but things like not allowing me to have (detail removed by moderator), but then coming back to me with a (detail removed by moderator) that he chose that would be acceptable, or telling me we can have a day out and I get to choose where we go, but then he says he’d prefer to go to this other place, and ultimately the day is ruined because he initiated the day out under the guise that it was something I’d want to do, but in fact we only got 15 minutes of doing what I wanted to do).  Anyway, these are all mild things, but it does suggest some level of control.  We have a lot of good days, but his general underlying personality is what bothers me. And I really don’t want to be here anymore.

I’ve not been happy with him for a long time, and recently I’ve brought up the topic of separating several times, and he just refuses to accept it.  The conversation always leaves me feeling angry and confused.  He really doesn’t want to split up, but I feel like most of the time he doesn’t particularly like me either.  And I say that to him, but he says I make it difficult for him to show his feelings towards me, and that he always loved me etc etc.  He says he can’t believe I would destroy the kids lives etc etc. We never reach a solution, and then the next day he’s acting normal as if nothing has happened.  It’s infuriating.

Anyway, my question is:

We have a mortgage, and 3 children.  He has always paid all the bills and mortgage because I was a stay at home mum up until very recently.  I now work part time.

I can see that he is not going to let this marriage fall apart easily and it has been suggested to me that I need to make a plan to leave without him knowing.

My wages will barely cover rent, never mind bills and food bills.  How do women with children leave relationships and survive financially?

What kind of benefits are available for women in these situations?

Thank you all

[Hazydayz]

Welcome Legocity2024. Your in the right place to find the answers here maybe? Certainly plenty of lovelies here can understand what your feeling being in or having been in same or similar situations. I don’t have children in my situation mercifully but I can empathize with you…I once did! All grown up now and gone! I’m sure Lisa will be able to give you advice where to start if you don’t get any help from others here on specific help needed? Where to start?  I wish you luck

Hazydayz💞

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Legocity2024, reading your post I can hear how unhappy you are in your marriage… I was married the same amount of years as you and I have children.  I was forces ro be a stay at home mum… if you have a mortgage with both your names I would strongly suggest that you speak to a local solictor, if you google your local solictors initial 30 min free, a few should show up.  Also, DA trained are better as they understand how difficult it is to leave an abusive marriage and can help navigate it for you.

Re your question on how to cope financially,  there is help out there…

Your husband refusing to separate is classic, my husband did the same, it took some years for me to finally manage to separate… contact Women’s Aid Live chat, they have lots of advice and can sign post you (without pressure)…  Leaving any relationship is hard, leaving an abusive partner is on another level as they will not accept or respect your decision to separate, even though your partner is showing/telling you that he isn’t happy… itnis crazy but very common… keep reaching out on here as many of us have been in your situation…   you cannot reason with an abuser and you cannot trust what they say…

Have you read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft?.. also, Living with the Dominater by Pat Craven.

 

Rights For Women is a free helpline who can advise you re legalities… if you have a Citizens Advice Bureau in your area (sometimes they hold sessions in libraries) they can help you re benefits.

You are not alone

HFH ❤️

 

 

 

[LegoCity2024]

Thank you both for the replies. I’m not even sure I am in an abusive relationship. Just an unhappy one (from my side anyway) He’s still acting like nothing has happened, that I haven’t told him I want to end it, and it’s making me so upset. It’s really unnerving, especially since he’s really making an over the top effort with the kids.

I don’t want to bring it up with him again because I’m terrified the conversation will go exactly the same way.

its driving me crazy.

[Marmalade]

Hi Legocity2024, Whether your relationship is abusive or just toxic, you need legal advice. A lawyer can explain your rights and what you would be likely to receive financially on divorce.

Unless there has been significant abuse it is unlikely that an order would be made for him to leave a jointly owned property if he refuses to go. You may face the choice of sitting out the divorce in the same house (as many ladies here have) or leaving yourself.

See a family law solicitor. Have all your financial details listed ready in advance so you don’t waste any time. In some areas you might get the first 30 minutes free, but not all do it. Alternatively ring Rights of Women Family Law helpline . They are only open a few hours and it’s hard to get through but they are helpful.
As far as benefits are concerned, it may be worth a call to Citizens Advice who will have a benefits advisor who can go through your entitlement with you.

Good luck with it all.

[Indeepindance]

Legocity2024

I just wanted to reinforce the above response that the fact he’s completely dismissed and ignored your requests to discuss separating, is abusive behaviour in itself and indicates the wider problems that have led you to this decision in the first place.

He’s completely disregarded you as an individual, and ignored your boundaries and is controlling the outcome to put himself and his needs first. Has he even asked how you feel and why? If I was in your position I’d want out as well.

To feel terrified of raising it again and the way he’s coldly minimising you and your needs made my blood run cold- I hope you get the help you need quickly.

Xxxxx

[Author]

Posts