New here… sharing my story

[Loopylu]

I have been with my partner for nearly (detail removed by moderator) years now. We have twins who are (age removed by moderator) old, and I have another child with a different father who is (age removed by moderator).
My partner has always been a very jealous man believes that women should never talk to men unless he knows them which at first didn’t seem a massive red flag to me.
In our fist year together we would have some arguments but nothing major.
But last year I fell pregnant with the twins and it was a massive shock to both of us. I was worried how I was going to cope, but he assured me everything would be fine. So I believe him.
(detail removed by moderator) months into my pregnancy he changed, he started to go out a lot more, most weekends he would go out on a Friday and not return, I wouldn’t hear from him until sunday afternoons or Monday.
Then one morning I had a messaged social media from a girl I knew. Stating that she had been in a relationship with my boyfriend and he had been staying round her house. This devastated me, I sank into a depression and wudnt leave my bedroom for days on end. But I knew I had to pull myself together for the babies. He promised me it wouldn’t happen again and that he would change! He never did. I spent all my pregnancy alone and depressed!
After the twins were born he was like a new man, he was so loving and caring. He really supported me.
But after around (detail removed by moderator) months he started working away, phoning me up drunk when I had 2 babies and a child to look after.
He then started to go out again a lot more which was fine but whenever I said I would like a night out or a break he would go in a mood and cause and argument, he’s staked me in the past, pulled my hair out and bruised my chest. Leaving me with the children whilst he was out drinking.
After he had had his weekend to himself of drinking and lying in bed at his moms house he would beg to come back and tell me how sorry he is. I’ve always dreaded the thought of being on my own with 3 children I kind of got it in my head that it’s embarrassing to be a single mother to 3 children and two seperate fathers! So anyway the cycle continues nice for two weeks then an argument then he will leave for a few days and then back again.i started to really resent him not only for leaving me on my own with the children but for how he treated me when I was pregnant I just cudnt push these feelings of
Disrespect, dishonesty & humiliation aside. It started to eat away at me and he started to notice. Asking me constantly what is wrong with you why are you like this? Sometimes I would tell him and sometimes I would say nothing, he told me to get over it and that he’s with me, no one else matters!!
As the twins were getting older things started to get worse he would take the car away from me leave it parked outside his moms house all weekend whilst he would go drinking and I would be sat at home with no car, he would also take my possessions that he had brought me shoes,clothes,hairdryer, vacuum anything he could grab to spite me.
I got used to it and just thought he was childish.
Recently the arguments have worsened and I have asked him to leave on several occasions, which he then goes and talks to my mom about our problems but making out like I am to blame and I’m unwell! So my mom started to come around more often not really helping me out with the children just as company.
After around a month I started to realise that she wasn’t coming to keep me company or help she was observing me!!!! Which really upset me I am her daughter. Why did she not ask me how I was feeling or if I needed any help??!!
Our problems started to become a weekly cycle he would do terrible things like confiscate my phone lock himself in a room whilst he trawled through it not that he would find anything interesting just me moaning about his behaviour to my friends which infuriates him and he would tell me to not tell my friends anything that goes on in our relationship. I also stopped seeing a lot of my friends because I was scared they would find out that my relationship wasn’t good and that I was on my own most of the time, I was so embarrassed.
Befor Christmas 2017 he had an angry out bust (detail removed by moderator), which lead him driving me and the twins to his mothers house in the snow and locking me out with no money and keeping the twins inside the house!! I had to make my way home without any money in the deep snow!! His mother then a week later called me up and left me a threatening voicemail saying she was going to make sure her son had my kids taken off me.
This hit hard and realised it was all getting out of hand. He spent most of Christmas out drinking I would receive drunk messages most nights. I kept my distance from him until new year.
He came over for a couple of days after being apart for (detail removed by moderator) weeks he seemed to want to make things work and realised his wrong doings (detail removed by moderator). We had a small argument that escalated I told him to leave but he wudnt he kept following me around the house antagonising me calling me names telling me I’m a s**t mother I’m lazy I’m thick the list is endless. I ignored him until the next morning he really upset me telling me everybody hates me so I threatened to get the police.
He then threw a (detail removed by moderator) full pelt into my face splitting my lip and bruising my eye.
I knew this had to be it, I asked him to leave again and he did  hours later.
I never called the police but I took pictures and I have been to the doctors today to document my injuries. I have also booked my self onto the freedom programme.
I know I need to keep him out my life it’s just so hard when we have children together. He won’t have them over night so I can’t go out! And he won’t make a proper arrangement with me just says I will have my kids when I want to have my kids!! I’m b****y exhausted I need a break! I just don’t know where I go from her regarding him!! Helpppp.

[Tractor]

Hello Loopy lu

Firstly I dont really reply to messages on here because I never know if I should be giving advice and whether its the right advice ! but reading your story it sounds exactly like my ex husband , infact , when i was reading it i actually thought it could have been written by me!

I too have twins and another child and totally understand how hard it can be without the extra stress from the abusive partners!

People used to talk to me about a ‘light bulb moment ‘ and I never knew what this was until a particularly violent incident which my son witnessed and it was at that point that I thought enough was enough and I called the police. There was much worse incidents previously but this was my turning point. Maybe this is your light bulb moment? you know there is no going back but you are here to find the strength to end it for good and you should be so proud of yourself for posting today as thats your first step , along with your trip to the doctors to your freedom.

Everything he is doing is about power and control and as the ladies on here will tell you this is the miost dangerous time for you. I honestly dont want to frighten to you but you have to prepared for him to get worse. You have done the right thing by going to your doctor. He will probably use the begging, i have changed malarky next , he cant live without you , the kids need to be with their dad and the family unit etc etc.

I fully believe that reading everything you can on the subject of domestic abuse gives you the strenght to keep going. I would recommend getting some books off ebay , why does he do that by lundy bancroft , pat craven the freedom project – i know youve signed up and thats amazing but getting the book was good for me because I keep going back to it. I have just bought one to start called escaping domestic abuse for women to get out and stay out by jane boucher. I would also suggest ringing the helpline as they are so good at advising and offering support.

I got an injunction against my ex husband and sorted contact for the kids via a mutual friend. It helps as you have no contact and you have time to emotionally recover and get stronger. I must have had him back four times before the injunction was in place . He was the same as your ex wouldnt have the kids , didnt want me going out, stole my phone and my passport and smashed my car up and basically did everthing in his power to hurt me. Slept with numerous women posted it on social media , told people I worked as an escort , I was mortified .

You can do it , you have those precious little people to think about. What haunts me is that my son saw the last incident and I cant bare the thought of him growing up and being abusive to a partner or even to me… They are young enough not to be like their dad but only you can change that … I have three kids too but I want them to look at me as a strong woman who didnt put up with being treated badly and I want other people to look at me as thats the girl who brings those kids up on her own he got rid of the abusive husband I dont want people to look at me like oh theres that girl whos husband beats her up and puts her children at risk , that makes me sad to think people would think of me like that . I was brought up around DV and I still feel angry now with my mother that she didnt leave I love my dad to bits but I see what he is like even now and it upsets me that shes wasted her life – thats also what pushes me on.

I promise you it gets easier. Time isa healer but you have to give the time , time . Its best to try and put practical things in place , a routine for the children if he doesnt stick to it then you cant force him. I went to see a solicitor but no penalties for not seeing sticking to a routine cant force them to see them and its all a mental game to them to hurt us unfortunatley …

I have just left my second abusive relationship but this time it isnt physical . With my ex husband It was very easy to see I was being abused as it was physical but this time its all emotional and psychological but I look back at my ex husband and if ive done it once I will do it again for me and my children .

Sending love and positivity to you x*x

[Author]

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