New here – would love to hear how you rebuilt after your relationships

[Foreverthankful]

I have been out of my abusive relationship for (detail removed by moderator) now but even to this day struggle at times to deal with my past.

I met him when I was (detail removed by moderator)  (he was my first love and the person who took my virginity) and I worshipped the ground he walked on. The first few months were amazing but one day that all changed when he started drinking more than usual and taking legal highs. At first it was a smack here and there which soon turned into him forcing himself on me sexually without consent. Soon after he would turn on the water works, apologise and promise that it would never happen again but it always did. Eventually he controlled every aspect of my life from who I spoke to, what I wore and what I did.

On reflection I honestly believe that the physical abuse was easier to accept than the mental abuse. On a daily basis he could go from telling me I was the best thing to ever happen to him to being told I was ugly or fat or that nobody else would ever love me or want me. People may hear stuff like that and believe it’s nothing but to a (detail removed by moderator) who looked in the mirror and was disguised by herself – it was indescribable.

After (detail removed by moderator) together I finally left him as he got deeper and deeper into drugs and I discovered he was dealing drugs and had also cheated. It broke my heart to walk away and for (detail removed by moderator) despite moving on, I always thought about him and wondered if things could have been different. That’s why when he entered back into my life I felt I had to give him another chance, otherwise I felt I would go my whole life wondering what if. He promised me that he had changed and he would never lay a finger on me ever again. Despite my initial reservations I felt like I could never love another person the way I did him.

It was like history repeating itself but worse. In (detail removed by moderator)  he changed me forever. I remember one time him turning up to (detail removed by moderator) so drunk that he fell asleep and missed his train as he had set his phone alarm wrong but I got the blame of course which resulted in my head being smashed off the (detail removed by moderator). There was another time that he tried to strangle me and my mum heard me (detail removed by moderator) and ran up although I stupidly downplayed it like it had never happened before. He got arrested one time for assaulting me (detail removed by moderator) but still I went back. I finally plucked up the courage to leave him after a night out one day after he slapped me so hard across my (detail removed by moderator) that I temporarily lost hearing but he attempted to commit suicide the second my back was turned to walk away due to “the guilt of what he had done” and as I was stood holding his feet up trying to relief the pressure on his neck I knew that if anything were to happen to him that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Luckily he made a full recovery on that occasion and I did eventually leave the relationship although once I did this I received numerous threats of him exposing intimate and personal photos of me on social media.

I still to this day feel the guilt of what I allowed this person to do to me. How could I not have walked away sooner and why on earth did I believe that the second time round would of been any better? Some days I believe that I deserved all of what I got because I allowed it to happen.

Over the years he tried to contact me on numerous occasions however I refused to answer any form of communication. (Detail removed by moderator)  he was successful in ending his own life and I can’t help but feel guilty as in a message that he had sent  (detail removed by moderator) before he had said (detail removed by moderator) I had just found out I was pregnant with my first baby and didn’t want his negativity near me and I doubt my partner would of been happy if I had responded but was I too harsh?

I’m in a happy relationship now with children but I really struggle with my self confidence and low self esteem. It feels like I’m haunted with all the negative comments once made about me and some days it’s difficult to believe that I am worthy of being loved or whether eventually he will leave me too because I’m not pretty enough or good enough like I was once lead to believe.

I struggle to talk about my past relationship with a lot of people due to feeling ashamed about what I allowed him to put me through time and time again. Any shared experiences or tips for moving forward would be appreciated – how did you rebuild yourself following an abusive relationship?

 

[KIP.]

Absolutely none of what happened to you was your fault. Abusers are predators and very good at what they do. Counselling was what has helped me recover and understanding the dynamics of an abusive relationship. Taking his own life was his choice and some abusers use it as the ultimate act of control. There was nothing you could have done and you absolutely did the right thing by ignoring his unwanted communication. It was your survival instinct telling you to do this and I’m so glad you listened to it x

[Hazydayz]

Hello and a warm welcome from a very new member. The advice and support you will find here from everyone is amazing! Really hope it helps you💞

[Foreverthankful]

Thank you both for your replies ❤️ I definitely feel a slight weight has been lifted just being able to voice my story as this is something I have definitely struggled with – so glad that I discovered this forum! x

[Hazydayz]

I just want to come back to you and say… I read what you wrote and just didn’t at that moment know what to offer you other than a welcome. I can identify with you in ways that I don’t yet fully understand? But unlike yourself I am still living in a situation. I know it’s toxic to me now and will be in the future, whether in it or out of it. Thankyou for sharing where you are now it will help me to prepare myself. Oh yes! the complexities of feeling guilty, for allowing ourselves to do this to ourselves. All I can offer right now is… we never set out to hurt ourselves did we. Feeling guilty for others, good or bad? is another complicated area isn’t it. Maybe that’s what sets us apart from those that feel nothing for others including what they do to us. I’m not yet able to tell my story and slowly begin to move from where I am but I hope this little insight has been of some help to you? I am going to congratulate you for being brave and getting yourself out of what was a very bad situation for you, you should be proud of yourself, you are your hero! You wrote such a well written account of your journey too. Well done! I am hoping my reply to you makes some sense? I mentioned before, the ladies here are amazing and I hope you will find what you hope to. Very best wishes x

[Foreverthankful]

Thank you for your honesty, I know it’s not always easy to admit the truth and I can hand on heart say that when I was in that situation that I did not see it for what it was. It’s took a long time for me to reflect and realise a lot of things. It’s so true that love is definitely blind and can sometimes make us see things differently in the moment.

The truth is that it’s one battle plucking up that courage to leave the relationship but the biggest battle to be fought is to stay away.

I hope that one day you are in a place to share your story and in the meantime just know that your not alone ❤️

[Hazydayz]

Thankyou for such wisdom 💐

[SunshineRainflower]

I can really relate to your situation. I left my ex years ago but still have flashbacks and remember his mean comments, his narrowed eyed glares as well as how wonderful he seemed at first. I think like me you probably have Ptsd. Have you had any trauma counselling or therapy? If not then I definitely recommend it.
There is also the Freedom programme which is helpful for any woman who’s been in an abusive relationship. You can do it online and it costs about £12 I think.
The truth is, you’re worthy of love just as you are. Love isn’t conditional, it’s not based on being thin or pretty or young. You have value as a human being just as you are. I think affirmations might also help you, I’ve started using them to help challenge and change the negative brainwashing from past abusers. Finally there are a lot of good books and YouTube channels on recovery from abuse.
I’m sorry you went through such a terrible trauma. He chose to abuse you and none of it was your fault.

[Foreverthankful]

Thank you SunshineRainflower for your kind words, it means a lot.

Unfortunately at the time I was quite young and it took me a long time to really process everything that happened and admit the truth to people close to me so I didn’t seek any sort of therapy. I found it difficult at that point in time to tell my story due to the fear of not being believed or fear that it would make people look at me differently by knowing my story.

I really appreciate all of your suggestions and will definitely give them a try ❤️

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