new, hurt, confused and lonely

[banks]

Hi. I wanted to say hello to all you beautiful, strong ladies. Reading your stories breaks my heart. I have been so lucky not to have children, marriage or financial links to my abuser, and I still struggle. My ex boyfriend of few years promised me many things, and lied about most of them. (Detail removed by moderator)  before moving in, he slipped out that he told his family we are not that serious (and never invited me home, creating various stories for me to feel sorry for him for years and repeatedly excluding me from family events that he had frequently attend, he always had excuses). He indirectly suggested to me i would look better thin (I was size 8!!! now barely size 4, looking sick and trying to battle what is beginning of an eating disorder) and despite my crippling anxiety, he would tell me i cry about everything and have bad temper etc. On top of that there were many more issues, controlling me, lies and drug and porn abuse, and I finally had enough. It has been (detail removed by moderator) day of NC today, and i am hurting and anxious. Some times i feel free, other times i feel horrible and broken. I do not know how to detox, how to speed up the process of all that poison leaving my body and my mind.
He is definitely selfish and manipulative, he tried to apologise to me for (detail removed by moderator)  after i walked out on him (caught him lying and deceiving me red handed) and now he seems to have stopped (detail removed by moderator)  and that was last i’ve ‘heard’ from him). He now seems to make sure we will not walk into each other, by emailing a friend who helped me exchange out things, so I did not have to break the NC. It is quite a shock to learn someone who I trusted so much was so deceitful and lied so well. And again, counsellor would say i spend too much time thinking about him. But i don’t know how to stop.

None of my friends really understand, some have been through beak ups, but none of them escaped an abusive relationship and its hard for them to understand.

I want to break trauma bonds, I want to be free and strong. But on bad days, i can barely function. Yet some days I cannot stop obsessing, thinking I told him many times I have had enough of his behaviour and telling him maybe we are better off separately, maybe I brought this on myself? maybe these arguments and me not being able to cope anymore hurt him, too? I still feel responsible and blame myself until I read my journal and try and remember, he choose to hurt me and he choose to lie to me.

(Detail removed by moderator). I feel like a failure. So many people go through break ups, and are able to function, but not me. Anxiety through the roof, just went back on antidepressants/anti-anxiety last week, and the first few weeks anxiety is horrendous. Had to move in with family for a bit but need to go back home (detail removed by moderator) , and he will be around town for another (detail removed by moderator) . 🙁 terrified of seeing him. I feel miserable and miss him, but at the same time, I have no intention of going back. I begin to accept he is not who I thought he was, but so so scared if i see him face to face, I will go back to a very dark place, and my work will suffer. I am terrified when I read some survivors take from seven to 11 attempts, because I don’t know if me trying to leave before (and him saying everything will get better) were the attempts, or is this the first one? Is the first NC one, where i blocked him and finally told family and friends of all the abuse I’ve been going through in the last (detail removed by moderator) years.
I also have so many doubts that this is partially my fault, because early on we were so perfect, but then when we argued, i not always acted in a nice way, walking away, asking for space, and he recently told me that me walking away and my angry temperament is what made his question if we are compatible. I also feel talking to some friends and saying i was in an abusive relationship seems like I’m making a victim out of myself.

I feel like I’m going crazy?

Thank you for reading, sorry for such long post.

Banks

[banks]

saying all this, I miss him so much right now, I do not think I could say no if he was standing in front of me. 🙁

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