New, I dont know but i need someone

[Toosoft]

Hi everyone, I’m new to this and I’m not even sure if i qualify to be here. I met my husband (detail removed by moderator). before anything happened he told me about his past relationships and that he has a daughter and that his been in prison once for something he didn’t do and that he has had anger issues and has had help for it. yeah big red flags, but i accepted him anyway. after we got engaged he got into some trouble and was being held in prison (detail removed by moderator), after he came out i found out he started speaking to other women online which broke my heart, this happened twice but i forgave him and married him anyway. yeah i know i sound silly. anyway a year into the “relationship” before we got married i wanted to be with him but he would never consider us as a relationship he would treat me like his girlfriend but then he would talk and meet up with other women “as friends” he would say. I had this friend a guy who really wanted to be with me but i didn’t see a future with him at the time, i really regret not giving my friend a chance now. anyway when he knew of this male friend i had he would get jealous but whenever i used to tell him how i felt about him flirting with other girls he would argue with me. anyway we’ve been married (detail removed by moderator) and i feel trapped. my friend whom i now have to speak to secretly referred me here to speak to someone. I’ve tried speaking to my husband about his anger and about our arguments to try sort them out but he just gets angry. he calls me horrible names and really puts me down. he swears at me in English and in our home language. I’ve told him how he makes me feel but his reply is ‘and how do you think you make me feel’ or ‘oh typical’ once i couldn’t handle it anymore and i said to him that he makes me want to kill myself which is the truth even after things have gone back to good or normal i still feel this way sometimes, his reply to that was ‘oh so are you gonna go hang yourself?’ or ‘don’t try threaten me with that’ even though i say to him no i need your help. he says things like ‘i feel like punching you in the face’ and that my face disgusts him’ and when I’ve tried to calm him down he would shout ‘don’t touch me i swear I’m gonna hit you’ he never apologizes for anything the only thing he has ever sincerely apologized for is when he was talking to those girls online after we were engaged. anyway we got into an argument once and he as usual started throwing things around and when i tried to calm him he picked up an item and threatened to hit me with it but instead pushed me onto the bed. we live with his family and they’ve only heard our arguments twice since we’ve been there. he would tell me to shut up or stop talking and when i do he continues to speak and say horrible things to me but when i speak up or speak back he shouts and blames me for the argument as i didn’t shut up when he asks me to even though he never does the same. im always blamed for everything. his family have tried to help but it hasn’t changed much. im not even sure if i love him anymore. I have a past of self harm when i was younger and i do have anxiety sometimes. now i just feel so depressed i have suicidal thoughts daily but too scared to try it i guess for religious reasons but im scared one day i just will give up. because of religion and culture too, divorce is very very frowned upon and everyone says to either talk to him or somehow sort it because ‘you’re married now’. I’ve woken up many mornings crying even when he has been so sweet or kind or gentle which he is and can be a lot too but its just his anger and things he has done and said outways his kindness if you understand what i mean. now when he gets angry my hands start to shake. when i cry he says things like ‘oh here we go’ or he tells me i should try controlling it because i cry too much. even though ive told him i cant control it if im upset he says he hates how soft i am ive said to him ill control my tears when you learn to control your anger. he also once got angry over me having my phone on me even though his fingerprint is also on my phone and he can unlock it anytime and i have never done anything to hurt him in terms of cheating or anything ever but he still wont trust me he then went on to say if i ever did do anything like that he ‘would destroy my life’. is this abuse of some sort or are we just too young and dumb to be married or is it normal i dont know anymore all i know is my heart and mind are deteriorating and im scared that one day ill decide the easiest option that would be better for everyone is if i just wasnt around anymore. i honestly hate myself i can dress up smile laugh get on with everyday as normal but inside im so lost and crying just isn’t enough anymore. i keep thinking about what i could of had if i went for the nice guy rather than chased the fun guy and how im supposed to live like this forever. i just dont know anymore. im sorry

[Rockandrolldreamscomethrough]

Yes sadly what you have described is abuse. I am really sorry to hear what you’re going through. Don’t apologise, none of this is your fault. We give them the benefit of the doubt because we are nice people and don’t ever think that they would have an ulterior motive for being nice to us. I don’t have much advice regarding the marriage side of things I’m afraid as I’ve never married but the helpline definitely will! 🙂 or the other memebers on here too! Does he work? If hes out and it is safe for you to do so give the helpline a call and they can advise you. Good luck x

[Toosoft]

Thank you xx he sent me a message today after our argument last night because we are religiously married but not legally yet  and hes message is in short words(detail removed by moderator) giving me the choice to either stay and we work through it or leave. only problem is it isnt that simple with culture family and religion involved i wont have no where to go and every person will try make me stay because technically we’d still have to have a divorce religiously so what difference does it make. im so lost right now. but thank you anyway for helping understand what exactly i have been going through. x

[Tiffany]

This is definitely abuse. I am not religious and left my partner before the wedding (we were engaged and he thought I couldn’t leave. I could and I did). It is going to be easier to leave before you are legally married as you won’t have to get divorced. I know that you feel religiously married, but he has broken the marriage by being abusive. It may be hard to find a religious leader to annul the religious ceremony, but I imagine it will be possible. It might be a good idea to call the advice line for ethnic minorities on domestic abuse and forced marriage. In Scotland it’s called Shakti, not sure about elsewhere in the UK.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Toosoft,
So sorry you’re having such a rough time. This is definitely abuse btw. My husband kept me trapped for years by using our religious beliefs to control me and keep me trapped. But he lied. Most of them do. I have had religious advice which, although wasn’t pro-leaving exactly confirmed that he had broken his vows and was not telling me the truth about having to stay. Try googling abuse, coercion and your religious beliefs too. Also try to ring the helpline on here when it’s safe for you. They can give you more specific advice on your problems and who to contact. Good luck. No one deserves to be threatened and abused no matter what your religious beliefs.

[Toosoft]

Hi everyone,
sorry to say this but he got into my head and heart and made me think everything will be better and for a while it was so i went through with the legal marriage and just last night he’s back to his usual self and i swear i was crying in bed and the only comfort i felt was when i thought to myself that i want to die and that i am going to try which only now makes me feel worse. afcourse im not going to do it but i would be lying if i said that it hasn’t been in my head.

[Author]

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