New & I’m still not over him

[Ariadne]

Hi, everyone.
This is my first post. (Detail removed by moderator) ago (just before COVID hit) I left a relationship that had gone on for (detail removed by moderator) . I have also known him for most of my life. Leaving was very difficult because of this, and actually, I don’t feel like I’ve really left, because I believe I might be either trauma bonded or at least I haven’t gotten over him, despite everything. He has also always wanted to patch things up.

I will leave most of my thoughts on the relationship and its impact for another post, but I wanted to leave an introduction here. I’m very glad I found this forum! I think there is a lot sometimes I need to get out of my head, and I don’t want to keep frustrating my friends with this topic.

[Gerbil]

Hi Ariadne
Welcome to the forum. I am quite new too but I have found everyone on here to be so supportive. People on here truly understand what you are going through and I don’t think friends ( however hard they try) can understand.
I am now expert but it does sound like it could be trauma bonding.
Take care and keep posting x

[Ariadne]

Hi, Gerbil. Thank you for the welcome! You’re right, they kind of think I’m crazy, so it feels good to have some support from people in the know 😉

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful angel… Ariadne,
Welcome to the forum and well done for posting
I eco Gerbil’s post about the trauma bonding… this feeling is incredibly powerful and can trick you into thinking it is real hard hitting love and heart break
Stay connected to the forum for support, the women on here do understand. It is very difficult for others to understand who have not experienced abuse and that’s OK, just chose who you share with so you don’t get upset and frustrated trying to make people understand
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Ariadne]

Hi, Darcy
Thank you for replying! I just lost the post I was writing here ahah
That’s exactly how it feels, like it is a “soulmate” bond, a magical connection that transcends all odds, a love that would inspire poems… although probably some tragic ones at times.
I still feel like I am exaggerating the bad moments in my head, like it wasn’t that bad. Like I feel more pain being without him than with him in a relationship. Because at least then when I was sad, he was there as my companion through life, comforting me. It’s really difficult to convince myself to let that go, and that there could ever be something remotely similar.
I’m very glad that this forum exists, because I think I have been a bit frustrated not being able to fully express this to anyone. They usually just ask me “ok, what’s good about him then?”, and then when I try to articulate it they just give me blank stares as if that doesn’t explain my feelings or behaviour at all.

[Darcy]

My darling Ariadne,
This is definitely trauma bonding … if you have Audible there is a great little book you can get … its only 1.5 hours long called Trauma bonding: By Lauren Kozlowski, it simply explains it. Understanding Trauma bonding will help you to see the signs for what they are instead of feeling that immense sadness all the time, so do some research. Trauma bonding is a rock and roll of emotions, the person that gives you love and approval is also the one that rips it from underneath you. Its an addiction so you need to treat it like one and cut it off.
I do understand the feeling so so well, I use to get so sad thinking my heart was broken
Keep your daily focus on you and all that love you have that you don’t know what to do with start directing it onto yourself
It does take time so be easy on yourself and don’t put too much pressure on yourself… you WILL get there xx

[Ariadne]

Hi, Darcy

I don’t know whether to be relieved by knowing it’s trauma bonding now or not ahah
I don’t have audible, but I’ll try to find that book. Thanks! It is really difficult but it’s good knowing that it doesn’t have to be that way forever.

[Darcy]

Having that awareness is the start of moving forward
Its sad because you want to believe what you have invested so much of your time in is true love … but love is kind and caring not aggressive and controlling
The bottom line is, is this how you want to continue living your life … is this the man you want to share your future with, will he ever give you what you deserve, will he care for you when you are sick, does he tune into your needs?
These are only questions you can answer but if you start to put the work into yourself and know your worth your boundaries will strengthen and what you allow yourself to put up with will soon change xx

[SingleMumma]

Hello I’m new here too and I feel in exactly the same boat, one minute I’m okay and feel a sense of freedom and the next I’m feeling alone and wondering what he’s doing, if he ever thinks of me anymore, if he even cared in the first place, because if he did he wouldn’t of hurt me as much as he has. I havent told many of my friends what happened what really happened because they just won’t understand

[Lisa]

Hi SingleMumma,

Thanks for posting and welcome to the forum. It is totally understandable to feel very up and down post abuse and to have lots of unanswered questions. Recovery is an ongoing process. It can be really hard to talk to friends who might not understand the complexities of control and abuse.

If you haven’t already it could help to talk to someone at your local domestic abuse service.
You can find if there is a local service in your area by clicking on the following link: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

If you’d like to start a new topic please do so as there is support for you here.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[Author]

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