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Hi, does anyone know whether the new law in England on divorce allowing ‘no fault’ divorce is going ahead, passed by Parliament or whatever. I can find no updates on search engines and the whole debate seems to have gone quiet. This is the only option for me as my husband has said if I dare to ‘blame’ him for the break up of our marriage he will fight me in the courts until every penny is gone.
Whether he will or not is another question but if our divorce is acrimonious I expect to be completely vilified as he will tell everybody that will listen (and I know some who will) how I abused him, how he tried so hard and that I am mentally ill etc. If the reasons for divorce are neutral rather than confrontation I would be spared such a lot of emotional pain and guilt as his ‘pride’ and public face will not be damaged.
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Hello Doris,
I don’t have the answer to your question right now. Though I can see, totally how important it is.
On the day the press coverage came, I spent some time talking to my teenager about what had happened to us, how important a change in the law might be, as it may prevent what I will call ‘legal abuse syndrome’ (detail removed by moderator) by abusive men.Having said that, I am trying to think of something helpful to say to you where you are right now.
Sadly, I had the whole she-bang of him saying I was ‘mentally ill’, ‘abusive’ etc and he even managed to convince many people that it was all my fault. Because (detail removed by moderator), it is difficult if not impossible to stop them doing this, I would suggest, regardless of no-fault divorce or not…
Looking back, I’m not sure I could have prevented this happening anyway. It took me a long time to re-claim my health as far as it goes, and now I tell people I have a disablity (and the rights which go alogn with that, which I feel I deserve after all these struggles)…let’s face it, if I didnt’ have mental health issues before, after dealing with ex and everything he did, I definitely would have had some after that..
What I am understanding from your post is this:
In saying what he is saying right now, he is trying to control and intimidate you into not taking the actions that you are morally, legally and every other which way, entitled to take.
Having experienced this myself, if I were there with you I would be encouraging you to ask yourself why he is doing this, if you can possibly get the headspace…
He is doing this, because he is afraid of the consequences (detail removed by moderator). Legal and financial.
(Removed by moderator)
As far as ‘every last penny’ is concerned…don’t pennies lose their value when your survival and health is concerned? You have choices every step of the way here. Yes, I can’t pretend it isn’t all scary – the process, before I did it, I had been nowhere near a solicitor ever in my life. Why would I have needed one?
But you can educate yourself on that one. Rights for Women, Women’s Aid, Mackenzie Friends if you don’t get legal aid, or can’t – there are also good books by women on you tube – to order which are up to date on the family court. You will probably find the answer there to the no-fault thing. There is one solicitor in particular who regularly updates her book
Maybe on some level he knows that actually he has no power to command you into
accepting what he thinks is acceptable i.e. no fault or not. Although of course he thinks he has. But then that is how abusers work, isn’t it? Trying to shut you up, make you feel intimidated so that you won’t access info, talk to people, inform yourself, get a second opinion.
Sounds like though, you are already stronger than that.
If I say to you, expect the worst, this is, Doris perhaps the most helpful advice I can give. Part of the reason my experiences were so bad is that in lots of ways I was unprepared for what happened.
I simply didn’t believe that someone could be so cruel – in separating me in the way in which it happened, from friends and family, and attempting to vilify my character. As a human being and a mother.
But believe me, it happens. And regardless of the changes in the law, may I suggest that they will try to assert their abusive authority whatever. In the end though, what does it matter what other people think? Regardless of your health etc you have rights too, as a human being…
So sorry to paint a grey, if not black picture, but if it turns out better than this, that is fantastic.
I hope you don’t have to go through what I went through. I didn’t know about this board at the time, which is, why I hope it is okay to post these things here. Wouldn’t want anyone else to go through that.The upshot of it was at my end, somehow I managed not to be intimdated, and with support, and a few miracles, came out the other end of it. Not broken. With scars maybe, which I try to wear with pride, like a battlecoat or a colourful quilt. (Women who run with the Wolves…book).
all best
keep posting
ftc
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He’s mad, he could still divorce with integrity with or without the new ‘no fault’ and this would keep his public image and his mental health in good shape; these men just dont seem to get that if you do the right thing by others this will also come back to you hey.
If this is what’s important to him then I would be inclined to agree with him and divorce on different grounds, providing he is fair and honourable thoughout. Good luck with it Doris x
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Many thanks for your advice everyone. It appears that the changes in the divorce law, although desperately needed, are stuck in limbo.
I take on board what you say FTC and agree that he may well make life as difficult for me as possible and paint himself as the victim – he’s a master at that – no matter what the grounds for divorce are. However, I don’t feel that I should be a victim of ‘nastiness’ and although I will try to avoid this scenario I will wear boxing gloves and give as good as I get. I am really starting to toughen up now that the initial shock of knowing this behaviour is a deliberate act of control and I am no easy person for him to live with these days so he may go quietly. Possibly. Maybe. This website and the internet and books have armed me with knowledge. x*x -
Hi Doris, yes he’s so trying to intimidate you into doing nothing.
I’ve left, I’m going no contact. I left a letter and a list of things he’d need, always thinking of him right up to the end even down to (detail removed by moderator). I’ve told him I’m contacting a lawyer to see about a divorce. I’m giving him no chance to talk me round. I can’t take the risk that the abuse will get worse. I’ve gave him chance after chance, got so fed up saying this is going to happen if you keep on doing this and he saying similar to me. I took the reins so to speak. You can sight ‘breakdown of marriage’, it covers a whole range of reasons without being too specific. So he’s willing to go to court to fight you, even if it means he gets nothing too! That’s definately an abusive mind working there. Keep doing what you’re doing Doris, baby steps every day. You can do this. I no longer care about being on benefits or not, I’ll deal with that once I’ve dealt with this.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
Good for you Doris! I have found that as long as I draw from my integrity in every decison, there is no come back; despite how he bahaves – works for me as my conscience is clear. I will never stoop to his level, means doing what is right and fair by both of us, which I do for my child. I live in the hope that he sees this one day, maybe even realsies this is how he needs to behave, and if not, so what, I know I have always done the right things. The rest is up to him hey.
Dam, was hoping to read about some more progress on this; looks like it will come but when who knows – doesnt help you now does it, although it maybe shows us what the new way will be which can help in the thought process? I feel the same about family court – needs to evolve for safer child contact, as it currently puts the father’s rights above the childs welfare in many instances – unless he’s battering or sexually abusing his child/children, he will always get contact, but as we all know, abuse can come in many forms with such damaging effects. Good luck flower x
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Would second this about (at least trying) to do the right thing by ourselves and our kids.
support worker once said to me that ex would eventually realise that that is what I have done.Looking back – there was no moving forward in the situation that I was in, and firmly believe
both myself and my child would have ‘gone down’ mentally if we had stayed. So that fork in the road
I have never regretted, i.e. leaving, despite how difficult at times the challenges have been.I too wish you al the best doris. and good for you.
A part of me thinks that regardless of what the law does, it is a case of being the ‘grown up’ mature, spiritually aware one, and doing the right thing.
It brings no happeniness to them, ultimately when they are abusive in the end.
Looking back the hardest thing was/is facing each challenge, which at the time I never thought I would be strong enough to face. But I did. And though I get depressed on occasion, I also see that each
challenge made me stronger. And at least some things I face now without fear.Still working on that one.
Meditation and buddhist paths and wisdom very important for me there…iwill try to write on the other thread, which for me is connected, the buddhism for mothers one.
all best, keep posting. as such I feel divorce is not a complicated process, it is the FOG of abuse which makes it complicated, trying to fathom what on earth they are doing, and what they are likely to do next, and work out what the rational thing would be, if you know what I mean and acting with integrity at our end…regardless…
ftc
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