New life, old anxieties…

[Tiffany]

I have recently moved in with my new partner. We had dated for long enough that I was confident that I was ready for this step. There have never been any red flags. He treats me better than I ever thought a partner could. Not in grand gestures or anything. Just the every day stuff. Making me a hot water bottle if I am on my period. Bringing a glass of water up for me at bedtime every night. Doing more than his fair share of housework, and still being grateful for the bits which I have done.

But I am still worried that this might change. That he might get fed up of the fact I am chronically ill. That he might start getting angry that I haven’t pulled my weight with the cleaning. Because my abuser was initially great at pulling his weight with the housework, and helped me a lot when I was ill. And then he gradually pulled the support away and used the fact that he had initially been so good at the housework as an excuse as to why he should never have to do housework again. And to guilt me into doing more and more, even though my health situation had not changed.

Realistically, I know this is unlikely with my new partner. Although he had been initially good at doing housework, my abuser had been waving all kinds of other red flags from the very beginning of our relationship. The emotional abuse and gaslighting were well underway before he stopped cleaning. And if there were even the slightest hints of any kind of emotional abuse in my current relationship I would have run for the hills.

I just don’t know how to shift the anxiety. Do I just need to be patient and wait it out, or do I need to do something more proactive?

[fizzylem]

Hmm, unsure as I’ve not been here, do you need to remind yourself you have faith in yourself that you will deal with it if and when it happens, so until that time you can let it go? Not saying you should do this, just trying to think what might help as asked. Is it about focusing and doing things you can do for you and for him and your relationship? To distract, put your energy where you want it to be.

Therapy to assist you with living with a long term health condition? Seems you may be struggling with guilt when this is not needed, a shadow from the past maybe? x

[HopeLifeJoy]

It’s a difficult question indeed…I wonder too how can one be sure this time around? Because the honeymoon period can last very long…
Since you don’t see any red flags, it is all quiet on the horizon in a different way than it was with your ex, I’d say your man seems to be honest and genuine. That’s my first impression. Not because he does his share of work etc but because he doesn’t show any weird signs right from the start like ultimately all abusers do.

I don’t know any tips on how you could be proactive other than I would monitor closely your anxiety, maybe it is a healthy fear that flares up in order to protect you from finding yourself in an abusive relationship again, it comes up to check if you are in a dangerous situation or not, you know like the sensory lights in the garden would go off if someone is trespassing. But you would have to check and assess first before knowing if there is any real danger. It could be a friend coming to visit you and not a burglar.

Ask yourself deep down are you safe with him or not? See if your anxiety subsides, if you get a peaceful feeling instead. That would be your answer. Ask yourself again if you are unsure.

If the anxiety lingers on, stay alert and keep sharp, also do exercises that help reduce it into a more manageable level.
Wishing you the best

[Fudgecake]

It is indeed a difficult question to answer because you can’t help being influenced by your past experience. I agree with HopeLifeJoy’s advice but also look to yourself too. Do you find yourself changing when around him? Are you altering your likes/dislikes just to please him? Do you feel safe and relaxed when around him? Not inhibited in any way? These are questions to ask yourself and to be ever vigilant. Time moves on and masks tend to slip. Until red flags arise, enjoy your new relationship. He is not your ex.
But, it won’t hurt to be aware and set boundaries early on.

[Tiffany]

I have changed since being with him. I am more confident to state my opinion. I am more confident full stop. I have taken up one of his hobbies, it’s similar to an activity I used to enjoy pre-disability – but the variation that is his hobby is far more accessible to me than my old hobby was. And doing it with him means I can push myself a little more safely because if I misjudge my limits he can drive me home – I won’t get stranded because I overdid it and wasn’t able to drive myself home. I also still do the hobbies I took up since getting sick. I see my friends as often as I did before. A little bit less of my family now, because I am no longer living with my parents! But that’s unavoidable. And I am still seeing them several times a week. There are small adjustments. I use headphones more when I am listening to audiobooks. We eat slightly different food to that I would make alone, because sometimes he cooks dinner. But these all seem like normal adjustments. Nothing sinister that I can see. And yet I am writing this because I want reassurance that there really isn’t anything sinister. The joys of recovery from abuse.

[diymum@1]

I know how this feels, I have a long term health condition, I can do things little by little and if I do too much around the house god I pay pain wise. Are you worried he will make you feel endebted to him? I worry too because I’m in a fairly new relationship, depend own I feel kind of inadequate although I do work part time I do my fair share in the house as much as possible. I find it can be exhausting living with an illness and I tend not to complain or ask for help. In the past my ex would use my health to his advantage. I think this is our battle scars showing through though. I’d wait and see you know the red flags to look out for. Set your boundaries and stick to them. My gut feeling is and I’m actually starting to listen to it! This will be all good ☺time will tell and you will most likely put up with alot less s**t from him this time round xx be positive and enjoy your new found love , hope all goes well for you xx luv diymum 💪 💕 ❤

[Tiffany]

Thanks Fizzylem – I think you are probably on the money about learning to trust my judgement again. It was so off when it came to my abuser. I trusted him in ways that I should never have done. And I let him overrule my own perceptions of my life. I am pretty confident that I learned my lesson. I am less trusting now. I didn’t have any experience of abuse before my ex. I understand about red flags now in a way I couldn’t have done before the abuse
I am stronger. But that’s hard to believe sometimes.

I do carry a lot of guilt about my chronic illness and the ways it limits me. I can’t do the job I want, I can’t work full time. I can’t participate in my old hobbies. I can’t keep a spotless house or make healthy home made meals every night. These are all things I did without thinking before the illness. My family, and especially my Mum don’t understand this. I moved back in with my parents when I left my abuser, and my Mum was endlessly frustrated that I wasn’t pulling my weight with the housework, the garden, all the things she wanted done. That on top of the messages reinforced by the abuse make me doubt myself. Sometimes I think I am just lazy, even though I am missing things I desperately want to do more than I miss the chores. I think I am imagining the pain, even when I am doubled up and unable to move. I feel guilty that I haven’t got better. It’s one of those illnesses where some people recover and some never do. And as time goes on and on and on and on, it seems more and more that I might fall into the “never recovers” category. I have lost almost a decade already.

And that seems a lot for someone to take on. My abuser used it as his lever to control me. For guilt and gaslighting, to cause me pain. He triggered a co-morbid condition which I have managed to get almost entirely under control since leaving, but sadly the original illness, which predated the abuse remains unchanged. Unlike my abuser, my current partner does not reassure me that everything will be fine and that I will get better. He admits that it worries him, that he has thought through what having a chronically ill partner will mean. He says he’s weighed it in the balance and that he thinks that my good qualities outweigh the disadvantages brought on by my illness. That seems healthier than denying it. But I wish it wasn’t something he had to deal with. He knows if we ever have kids (I am still young enough for that) that he would have to work much harder than most fathers. He’s ok with that.

He’s never lied to me, even when conversations are hard. We talk everything through, and I never end up feeling guilty or crying myself to sleep. It’s been about (detail removed by moderator) now, and he’s made me cry once. By telling me a blunt truth about my health which I needed to hear. I have felt unsafe once. When he misjudged an overtake, trying to pass two cars when it would have been safer to only pass one. That’s it. And both times he was upset with himself for upsetting me, and fully accepted reasonable blame. It really is ok. Moving in does not tie me to him financially. It just means if we split up my stuff is here and I will have to move it out. Given that he still forwards mail to his ex, this doesn’t seem likely to be an issue. (She’s nice, it’s amicable, but she’s not the most organised woman in the world, hence the need to forward mail). I can’t see him being difficult about it.

DIYMum, I can’t see him making me feel indebted for not pulling my weight with the housework. He’s basically always done it all, both in and out of relationships his entire adult life. He’s genuinely grateful for the bits I can manage. He’s got the house really well laid out so it is easy to keep on top of most stuff. The only bit I really can’t do is the hoovering – he has a (detail removed by moderator), and it’s just too heavy for me to maneuver. But as he owns a dog and I do not he has fortunately decided that hoovering is his responsibility as the dog makes most of the mess. There really isn’t any logical reason to worry. But it’s a hard habit to break. I’ll get there. We’ve reached a state where I am comfortable with him touching my neck (abuser was a strangler, so that one took time) and I can fall asleep with him spooning me (absolutely no no with the abuser because of groping. We can probably manage the moving in too…

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Tiffany, I had written a reply yesterday but it either got lost out I deleted but mistake. Anyway in a way I’m glad it didn’t go but what I want to say is your post has filled me with hope. Hope that there is someone nice out there. I too hate spooning now, it’s like a green light for the octopus I hear such happiness in your post and I can also hear your waryness, which is understandable. You are both doing all the right things, communication is key so long as there are no red flags. You so know your boundaries now. Just try and enjoy your relationship.
I think as women we’ve been so conditioned into housework is our domain. I too think maybe I am lazy, but I know I’m not. Those are my oh’s words. I’ve never liked being told when to do something. It gets done in my time, when I’m good and ready.
At workshops fir chronic pain, we’re taught to pace ourselves. Do too much on a good day and it floors you for anything up to a week, you should actually rest more, do a bit of exercise and that’s it, but no, we push ourselves to make up for the days we can’t manage. Let the guilt go, is it possible to make your oh a cuppa, when he’s done housework. That could become your routine,
I have (detail removed by moderator), it’s fairly common, some have it worse than others, I may or may not end up in a wheelchair, only time will tell. I had decided I’m wasnt spending my time doing housework,I was going to enjoy doing things while I could, then THIS hit me(realising I was being abused) at the moment even being able to do housework would be a good thing. I’ve stopped all my activities, meeting up with people, because I haven’t the energy and I’ve actually lost the joy in doing it over the years due to my oh’s behaviour. Life really is too short to let guilt over anything, stop us appreciating what we have, that’s all I really wanted to convey. Enjoy your new relationship, he sounds so lovely thoughtful and kind. Be aware of your boundaries and just live my friend.
Best wishes IWMB 💕💕

[Tiffany]

Thank you IWMB. I am feeling much calmer this morning. I had a full on anxiety attack and flashbacks last night, which lead to us having a full conversation about the specifics of my anxieties, particularly the housework. We use a kind of shorthand to explain that things are an issue due to our past, so he knew I had issues surrounding housework, but I went into the specifics last night about the changing behaviour of my abuser, and the guilt lever. His response “Oh, so me reassuring you that I don’t mind doing the housework isn’t particularly helpful”. I hadn’t thought of it, but he’s right. That’s something my ex used to say. Until things changed. My new man recognises that there is nothing he can do to sort a fear of things changing in the future. All he can do is continue to act as he has acted and hope that the consistency helps. As he’s been consistent all through our relationship it probably will.

Writing this I have also realised that in my last relationship increased commitment meant increased abuse every time it happened with my ex, so that is also probably part of my fear. That moving in is a commitment, so now I am waiting for the escalation. Only there isn’t any.

You are right IWMB, I am incredibly lucky. After a run of bad things, I have found a man who is genuinely good and genuinely cares about me. There really is hope after abuse, that we can rebuild our lives (although that obviously doesn’t have to involve a new man). And the demons will gradually settle down and let me relax.

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