New me!

[Blackbutterfly]

Hi everyone.

It’s been almost (Detail removed by Moderator) years since I got out of an abusive relationship.
The mental scars are still there and I’ve been suffering PTSD but I’d rather that then the life I had.

I left with my 2 very young children, ended up having an injunction taken out on my abuser.

Since leaving my life has been difficult but also been great to, I’m a much better person and grateful for everyday I spend out of the hands of my abuser!
I’ve started to date, I was scared at first, I’d leave my front door open when he first started to come round, but we couldn’t be happier, my kids like him and his child likes me too, which is great, I’m just scared that if my abuser finds out I’ve moved on from him what he might do 🙁

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there, well done for moving forward…

Re: being scared in case ex finds out…

ikwym. Perhaps we could all figure this one out together…I am still scared of a fair few things…my ex knows very little about our new lives…I find though that some of this is probably my PTSD…not all of it I might add, as I have very concrete experiences of thinking I could share something with my ex and then being caught out and realising I shouldn’t have done, as he tried to sabotage something I was doing.

The main thing that bothers me is that I am basically invisible online and I find this a disadvantage, as moving forward possibly with my own business etc I could do with an online presence.

I think this is very deep seated with me, the fear.

Recently also surfaced the guilt. Since leaving my ex I haven’t felt like I have any integrity. Does this ring a bell with anyone? I know about the Fear Obligation Guilt thing but I am so used to keeping things secret from my ex half the time I feel like some undercover spy…anyone else feel like that? sometimes it stops me doing things and going places, or even talking to people in a free and easy way…

any thoughts anyone…

ftc
x

[Blackbutterfly]

Hi, I didn’t think anyone would actually write a response! Thank you so much for your reply!:)
I think everyone who manages to espcape is amazing!
I know how it feels to remove yourself from online. I myself had to.
I am constantly still finding myself explaining why I’m doing something, justifying it so to speak.
In with you with fear though, I am constantly fearing if my ex finds where I live even though I do not live in the same area, or even the same borough…
Even though I’ve lived in refuge, I didn’t get no support (professional) and none was offered, which is a bit of a disappointment there definitely should be some kind of a support out their for victims/survivors

X

[freedomtochoose]

hello there again
I think it varies across the country according to which refuge it is.
Some better funded and better resourced than others…
all best
ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

got to get off computer now but will keep an eye on this thread and check in tomorrow
all best
ftc
x

[Blackbutterfly]

That’s true, I think different parts are better funded…it’s sites like this and my family that I’ve been able to make it through the hard times.
Stay safe and I hope to speak to you again soon.

Blackbutterfly x

[Lisa]

Hi Blackbutterfly,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I am pleased to hear you are away from your abuser and you are now starting to enjoy life free from abuse. I am sorry to hear you did not receive any support from the refuge; this is very disappointing to hear. Are you receiving any support for your PTSD?

Please do keep posting to us when you can, there will always be support here for you and I am sure your support to others will be most appreciated.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Blackbutterfly]

Hi Lisa,

I suffered PTSD before the abuse anyway because I was attacked, but the abuse made it come back a lot worse, I am antidepressants to help my depression and anxiety. I have moments when I don’t like being touched, even if it’s just a hug which can be very frustrating when I’ve got two toddlers who love cuddles 🙁

I’ve gotten so use to doing things on my own now that I don’t even know how to ask for when, and when I do finally ask I feel like I’m bothering people.

Regards, blackbutterfly x

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