This topic contains 7 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  KIP. 2 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #115083
     Petalbox 
    Participant

    Hello. I’ve just joined and am feeling hugely nervous just writing this. My confidence is gone completely and my heart is racing so fast as I type this knowing that if I send it someone might read it. My fear is that I won’t be believed. I want to go and see my GP but I don’t know what to say to him, I don’t know how to start, I don’t want to be brushed off with anti-depressants. I’ve tried telling two of my friends what has been happening, they listened but looked sceptical and changed the subject.
    I think I’ve been in a very long mentally abusive marriage. I didn’t know it was abusive at the time. I’m still not sure it was abusive, I know some things definitely weren’t right and some things were very cruel but I stayed so it can’t have been that bad could it. He walked out recently after I told him I was going back to therapy for my depression and anxiety. He said it was good I recognised that I was sick and needed help then he walked away with no contact weeks now. Since then I’ve done some reading and learnt about n********c abuse. I don’t know if he’s a n********t but he certaily ticks almost all the boxes, some of the websites I’ve been reading it feels as though they are actually writing about him! It’s been scary and sickening at the same time. But then I think I’m over thinking things and it’s not him that’s got a problem, it is me. I struggle to believe that I loved (thought I loved) a man with so many nasty, cruel, n********c traits but I did.
    I’ve been very ill many times over the years with severe depression and anxiety, one depression episode saw me as an outpatient for months and it was then, when I was so ill that he walked out (for the (detail removed by Moderator) time). He came back (detail removed by Moderator) later when I was better. But I got ill again and eventually he made me to sign the papers to sell our house and we separated pending divorce. This is when I found out about his second affair of our marriage (the first one was just in my imagination he said. I don’t think it was)
    It took a very long time of living on my own to feel well again but I did and was confident, decisive, happy, meeting new people, enjoying my job, liking me, loving my family. Then a major family incident happened and suddenly he was back in my life. It was ok at first, I was glad (but anxious too) that we were seeing each other again because after such a long time married I missed him every single day when we were living apart even though I’d got myself together, he was never off my mind. I glossed over the fact that he was living with someone else at this point. (Why did I do that, HOW could I do that!)
    After a short time I got ill again with depression and anxiety. Nothing had changed, I thought things would be different because I was so different and I was once again someone who was happy, relaxed and confident, the sort of person he wanted me to be. But he hadn’t changed at all. This time I did see the gaslighting, lying, deceit, denial, criticisms, the ‘fait accompli’ decisions he made, the ‘acting’, the utter selfishness, the jealousy of others, belittling, negativity, complaining, his victim stories. This time I saw it and just knew it wasn’t right but still I stayed with him! (I feel so angry with myself for staying) Now he’s gone again, when I told him I was going back to therapy to get help with depression and anxiety, he walked away (to spend (detail removed by Moderator) with a woman!)
    Nobody in my life saw the bad side, they only saw the things he bought me, expensive gifts, holidays, weekends in posh hotels, him putting money in my account, the beautiful house, the lovely car I drove and so those I’ve told don’t seem to believe me. They know him, he was not horrible to them!
    I’m sorry if I’ve written a lot. I feel as though I’m going to explode, I’m at screaming point for all the anger, sadness, guilt, shame (so ashamed I when back to him, ashamed that I stayed), confusion, hatred (I’ve never hated anyone in my life!). I don’t know who to tell, I don’t even know if I trust anyone enough to tell them unless annonymously like here on this forum. I am so confused and desperately unhappy.
    I’ll stop now. Thank you if you’ve read this far xx

  • #115084
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Just wanted to say hi and welcome. I remember the first time I posted my anxiety was off the scale. I read other posts for months before I posted and my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be believed. I can honestly say that not one person has said they don’t believe me and that’s from the police to my family, my mum said she wished I’d told her sooner so she could help. Please ring the national domestic abuse helpline or your local women’s aid. There you will get the validation you need. You’re not alone and as you read the posts you will see many women with identical stories about their abuser. Abuse makes us feel crazy. I was decades with an abuser until I discovered women’s aid. Have a look at the book Living with the Dominator. I was also medicated for years for a problem that was never mine.

    • #115085
       Petalbox 
      Participant

      Thank you Kip for your reply. I will take a look at the book you mention and carry on reading the you’ve in the forum. I also think I’ll be brave and see my GP. Thank you again x x

  • #115086
     KIP. 
    Participant

    You could consider showing your GP your post or write down some things and let them read it. I couldn’t say some things so I wrote them down. You could ask to be referred to a trained counsellor in domestic abuse x

  • #115088
     Petalbox 
    Participant

    That’s a really good idea Kip, thank you, I’ll do that. I know when I have started to talk about it to anyone I get shaky and tearful and can’t remember what I want to say, my mind just goes blank. Thank you 😊

  • #115090
     KIP. 
    Participant

    That happened to me a lot, I think it’s trauma. Having to revisit awful memories can be really disturbing for us. I’ve managed to deaL with a lot of it through counselling x

  • #115093
     Petalbox 
    Participant

    I’m so glad to hear counselling has helped you deal with some of it. I’m starting CBT this week, it helped me before, I’m hoping it’ll help again. I’ve just noticed the huge anxiety I had submitting my first post is not happening when I read and reply, so again I thank you for your answers and thoughts, it’s comforting, more than co-funding, it’s reassuring, thank you x

  • #115095
     KIP. 
    Participant

    The more you do it, the easier it gets. That’s something I learned from therapy. Just push past the anxiety….. 3 2 1 go! Don’t overthink. You’re doing great 💕

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