New & not sure if coercive control

[JJOS]

I’ve never had to come onto a forum like this before. I was recommended by a couple of concerned friends & the more I think about my situation the more I wonder how long my ex has tried to control me. I’ve read some emotional & amazing stories on here & I am honestly in awe of all of you.

My ex & I split when our DD was only a baby. The main reason I left him wasn’t through any violence or abuse, but because he told me he didn’t want to commit whilst I still had post natal depression. That made me feel so worthless. Even then he would demand he see her when he wanted & not necessarily when it was right for DD. I would be blamed that I wasn’t being fair to him etc if I said no. I was in all honesty worried I would get into trouble if I didn’t give him what he wanted. We eventually got into a routine of contact with DD which I now see was only because it suited him. I missed out on quality time with DD because I was the RP and thought that’s what I had to do…I didn’t have the right to say no.

The past few months has gone downhill with regards to our co-parenting. Unfortunately it coincides with his new relationship. I was relieved because I thought maybe he’d stop trying to dictate what I did, & what our DD did in sly, n**********c ways. I welcomed this new relationship, asked to meet the new gf if she was to spend time with DD. We did meet briefly, she came across quiet but nice. I asked if she’d like a cup of tea…simply cut off by my ex with a firm “no”. I felt something in my gut then that he was changing.

It’s got to the point where I involved a solicitor because I had had enough of being dictated to…being told that I was wrong when DD was ill, that he was picking her up regardless of what I said, that I had no right to want a whole weekend with DD because I am the RP, that I wasn’t to take anymore of his time (I never have without reasonable notice given & alternatives to make up for it), that he didn’t give back DD at Christmas when he was meant to, that he can contact DD when he wanted to & she needed to be available.

He initially refused to acknowledge the solicitors letter until a 2nd copy was sent….but his controlling ways has increased. He turned up at my back garden when he was dropping DD off after contact & tried several times to get me outside to talk to him saying at 1 point “I suggest you put your shoes on & come to my car”. I was grateful I had a friend there who witnessed it. He has tried several times to call me telling me I’m not being an adult because I refuse to talk to him. I felt empowered after my solicitor told me I had every right to say no…I never thought I had that right. He would send texts saying he was going to call me & was I ready? My anxiety went through the roof as I felt intimidated….but I also felt like a fraud because he wasn’t violent or shout abuse or anything so sometimes I felt like maybe I’m making this up??

I still feel that. I still feel that I am making something out of nothing. There’s been lots of little incidences where he’s been intimidating that add up to this gut feeling that just wont go away. I bought a phone specific for him & DD to speak on & blocked him from my personal number & sent him an email saying the requests for personal conversations had to stop, that we should only speak about DD welfare & that I’d make sure she was available for calls (detail removed by Moderator) a week for (detail removed by Moderator) hours during the week he didn’t have her. I reminded him about the extra evening I’d arranged for him, which he now refuses because he doesn’t think he finishes work early enough…he finishes at (detail removed by Moderator)pm & lives (detail removed by Moderator) minutes away.

But despite this he still tried to talk to me through DD during 1 call on this phone. He still tries to call every day & the questioning of our DD, she’s of school age,is very uncomfortable to listen to. It’s the same questions…what is she having for dinner, when is she having dinner, what is she doing now, what is she doing later, what is she doing in her time with me, what is that noise, what is on tv, is she having a shower, why isn’t she having a shower….DD barely has time to answer at times & he’ll even comment “do you want me to ask you an easier question?!” if her concentration wanders or he’ll lose patience with her if she can’t remember something.

DD behaviour has changed as much as I’ve tried to protect her from it all. This is not her fight & I’m her Mum so I feel that I need to absorb as much stress as I can so her little mind doesn’t. But she’s becoming more clingy, she is on occasion reluctant to go see her Dad & I caught her pretend playing with the phone I had bought for communication with her Dad & she said something like “just stop calling me ok!”

I’ve never been in this situation. Is this normal? Is it just something that has to be experienced? I’ve kept a diary of particular incidences & pictures of texts etc. But I’m still left with this feeling of intimidation & not feeling like I can say no and stand up for myself, & DD with enough strength & conviction.

[Missssy]

Hi there.
My opinion is yes this does sound like coercive control.
It is not normal behaviour for people that function at a normal level of respect, however it is fairly normal for someone with abusive tendencies. The manner in which he is trying to call all the shots with regards to contact, pushing your boundaries regarding personal calls. Ordering you to get in his car? Controlling the new ‘partner’ in front of you.
The fact you didn’t think you had the right to say no? The interrogations your DD faces when she speaks to him. You are right these questions he asks her are underhanded ways of finding out what is going on with you, but under the guise of concern for his daughters life. It’s a link to you, and a way he can still bother you and wind you up or cause you to doubt yourself.

He decided after you’d given birth he did not want to commit? I think that even has controlling undertones to it. He had your whole pregnancy and probably time before that to decide whether or not he wanted a commitment. A child is a lifelong tie to someone, and he knows that. The way I am seeing it is this is all emotional control, and I’m sorry you are going through it and questioning yourself. You have done the right thing by trying to set boundaries and seek legal advice xx

[JJOS]

Thank you so much for responding. To have you validate how I feel & what I think is a relief in itself. It was ‘my’ first weejend with DD was almost marred when I overheard my ex on the phone to DD & he was questioning where I was taking her (she responded that she was having special mummy time, a phrase she came up with herself) & to make sure she took the phone with her so he can call her, repeating “Daddy will call you tomorrow”. She didn’t mention it to me once so the phone stayed off & at home. When I got back the next day I checked the phone & lo & behold a text for the day before “ok to call our daughter now”….. I expect she feels she doesn’t get much emotional need from his conversations because she never asks to call him…something despite everything I’ll never stop her doing. She’s told him of previous achievements from school & his response has been “oh right” & then onto the next barrage of questions. I will always facilitate contact between DD & her father because it is the right thing to do currently for DD….but I’m increasingly concerned she’s becoming an object to own to him, & not a beautiful little human to enjoy.

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