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Me and my new partner who I’ve been with for (detail removed by Moderator) said to me that in a way I screwed over my ex. This is because I got my house back and moved back in with my children and my ex was made to leave. I actually tried to get the house in his name so he didn’t have to leave but it didn’t work out tht way.
I spent nearly (detail removed by Moderator) in an abusive relationship and yet I’m now told by my new partner that I still screwed my ex over by making him leave. I did it so the children didn’t lose their home.
I got upset and couldn’t talk as I was so shocked he felt that way. He said he was sorry that he upset me and didn’t mean that my ex didn’t deserve it.
Whatever I do I’m in the wrong.
I came to my friends for the night and he he messaged saying why was he invited (detail removed by Moderator), then he’s not text or anything and I’ve been awake all night. I dread the argument when I come home this morning.
I’m beginning to think my new partner hates women due to his past experience. -
Hi Ariel
Sorry that things are rough for you. As you say, you know that you didn’t screw over your ex, you spent so many years taking his abuses, and that must have been a shocker to hear him say this.
Do you think there will be a terrible argument? Is this how it normally is? or is he more likely to want to talk about it? I don’t like the sound of it that you are scared of what will happen when you get home.
You mentioned that he texted that he should have been invited over for a part of the evening with your friends, which I don’t agree he should have, did you mention it because you thought it was odd?
This is going to be tricky for both of you if you’ve both come from abusive relationships, but are you sure, based on your time with him so far, that he’s not abusive in any way?
I hope you are ok after being awake worrying about this all night.
warmest wishes
ts
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Hi Ariel
Whilst we’d all love for you to be in a happy, non abusive relationship, I’m afraid TS has come up with some very pertinent questions. Especially when put together with your last post about the photo you found of yourself; I can’t help but wonder how good this relationship really is for you.
It seems like he is saying some very odd things. Are they red flags maybe?
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I think a non abusive man who i have dated a couple in the past would never ever say you screwed over a man who they knew abused you. They would be of the opinion you should have the house with the kids. It sounds more like something my recently abusive partner would say. The abusers generally use what you tell them against you to side with the man and put the woman down. It definately is very hurtful what he has said and to then say sorry after it seems a bit like he’s landed a blow then apologised. You are not being over the top. That was a very insensitive comment to make. Maybe look out today for if he can take accountability for it being hurtful or if he turns it round on you. I hope he has just made an error of judgement and is there for you. Your ex split up your family by choosing to abuse you. Not you. Therefore you completely deserve to keep your home with the kids. It’s good your radar is working though and you can monitor the situation going forward. Take care and i really hope you feel better today. X*x
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Red Flags, Red Flags all over the place here.
MY abusive ex would say similar things. You say his past experience, are all his stories about his ex girlfriend(s) negative and he seems to be a victim by any chance? That would be another red flag.
He ought to respect your feelings and needing space away from him, something just doesn’t sit right here…
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Hey Ariel, if your new partner hates women because of his past experiences then he needs to sort himself out as to hate women is misogynistic. Also, with all the red flags he sounds full of the patriarch nonsense of all women blah blah… now I have been physically abused and mentally abused by men yet I do not hate all men. Do you hate all men? I doubt it… I may not trust them but not hate and it concerns me that you feel he hates all women because of his oast experiences, that’s an excuse and not your problem x
You did what was right for you and your children, power to you Ariel, do not let this new man tear you down sweetie ❤ you have done lots to move on, you deserve better than him 🤗
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I am starting to see more and more red flags. I don’t in anyway think he would be physical but it’s more the mental pull down. He always says things like (detail removed by Moderator) I say but I don’t want to change. Then the other hand he says I’m perfect and shouldn’t ever change. He blames everything when I get upset on my time of the month. The truth is I never suffered any PMT until met him. So that’s either coincidence or I’m still not actually suffering it.
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Oh and yes he has a lot of things to say about them like they were bipolar then it came out the other day that neither had been diagnosed this was just his diagnosis. He’s even said it to me before and in all my years people have always said I’m one of the most placid people they ever met. His behaviour makes me feel unstable though. Like he will be in the toilet for an hour maybe more. Stay up late until 2am then another day go to bed at 9. I just don’t know the thing is I just can’t put my finger on it on what it off about him.
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I never thought my partner would be physical- but here I am so many years down the line with bruising over my body & a very sore head. Questioning everything. Trying to find out why & if .. I’ve had different abuse in the past but first time for me from a partner.. just be careful on what ever you decide please.
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I think you’ve already made a very important point yourself by saying his behaviour makes you feel unstable and that you see red flags. That in itself is giving you a good indication that there might be something wrong or at least worth discussing with your partner. If he knows you come from a previous abusive relationship, I would expect that he is very considerate and takes into account your experiences.
I do think it is important to trust your gut feeling. I believe in many, if not most, abusive relationships, in the beginning you might only have a feeling something is off sometimes, but you push it aside and look for explanations. However, deep down our gut feeling is often right. And as others have stated, it is very common for abusers to talk badly about their exes and how they were really horrible to them, left them with nothing, they were mentally ill etc.
Obviously, not knowing the whole picture, maybe he isn’t abusive, but to me he sounds at least very misogynistic. Blaming women’s behaviour on their period or saying ex-partners are bipolar because he didn’t like their behaviour, is deeply unfair and misogynistic. Women aren’t inferior human beings that are somehow only driven by their emotions. We are allowed to have feelings and get upset.
Maybe it’s worthwhile you check with yourself, at what times does he tell me these things? Is it when we have an argument and he doesn’t like my opinion? Is it when he dislikes my behaviour? Why would he not be interested in my opinion or talk calmly through my behaviours he sees as difficult if he truly cares about me?
I really hope you do look out for yourself and make sure he is the safe and loving partner you signed up for and deserve.
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Ahhh sweetie take a breath go make a cuppa and take 5mins to chill then read your post back through the eyes of another.
What would you say in answer to this post? Write in on here if it helps as if you were writing to me. You are so wise so helpful to others time now to be kind to yourself give yourself the amazing advice you give to us to me. I think you know deep down i really do you just need to take 5mins away and look this through different eyes.
You are an incredable woman you really are. Sending love n hugs sweetie stay strong xxxx
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