New relationship

[Clare]

Hi ladies, I haven’t been on here for quite a while and thankfully have been free for many months now. I have now been seeing someone for a little over a month. I’m not sure yet how my abusive relationship has affected me and how I will react in a new one. When do you think is a good time to tell your new man about the abuse? I worry about acting weird and scaring him off. I’ve never been in a normal relationship. Thank you ladies 😊

[SaharaD]

Hello Clare

I reviewed you previous posts and I have to say that I think you should be cautious.

Most women’s DV/DA support organisations recommend waiting 2 years after the last abusive contact to begin dating and romantic relationship.

I suppose the first year is about surviving on your own and the second year is about recovery.

I was four months before that specified time but I only date and am not in a romantic relationship. None of the men I date know I was abused.

You do not appear to be out for more than a year and you haven’t mention what you did to recover from the trauma of the abuse. I attended the Freedom Programme and psychotherapy and specific DV/DA counselling.

Through my recovery, I feel less anxious about dating and I don’t worry about scaring men off.

It’s just my opinion but I’ve seen to many women either pick and abuser again or exhibit some codependant or unhelpful behaviours in their new relationship. Either way it is a massive disappointment when the relationship inevitably fails.

The fact that you are asking means you have some form of doubt in your head. Feeling insecure in a relationship is never a good thing.

Hopefully the other ladies can shed light through their experiences of romantic relationships after an abusive one. I’m still dating so no commitment.

[Clare]

Hi SaharaD

The main abuse had stopped over a year ago but there was still some after that. He tried to stop and succeeded in stopping the physical abuse but still remained a bit controlling and emotionally blackmailing.

I have been on the freedom programme but wouldn’t know how to go about any counselling or anything like that.

I have no worry about this man being abusive. I tend to overthink everything which is why I worry. I wouldn’t say I’m insecure with him, it’s more that it’s quite early on and I know they say you shouldn’t say about previous abuse incase they are abusive but at what point should you tell them?

I had planned to just date but things just happen sometimes. I found I didn’t want to date anyone else.

Thank you for your help. I’ll keep it in mind. I don’t really fancy just waiting 2 years to be honest.

[Millionpieces]

Hi Clare,
I have similar experience with you, I’m close to a guy, make me so confused, I am terrified of falling for him. The biggest fear is I will lose my self again, bcoz I still have the attitude when I was with my ex, pleasing, giving and trying which I don’t want to do it anymore. I wanted to have relations balance give and take, and I know after my long abusive relationship with my ex I still have low self esteem, not confident at all and I feel I’m a wreck. I don’t feel good about my self and that make me so low.
In the other hand I am so glad that this guy came to my life and took my mind away from my ex but to love him I am so not ready, even for a date I am too scared if I fall for him.
I am sure I need time to be with other man, even I really need one.😟

X
MP

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Clare, There are some recent posts on here from Confused123 about an ex. During the post we talk about getting together with men and the reasons why, I was talking about my friends history with men. It might help you to read it. Confused 123 & Million Pieces are currently having issues with getting together with new men, they might be able to help you too. X*X

[SaharaD]

I think as women who have been abused we struggle with boundaries. Creating them and following through.

The two years is not pie in the sky. It’s a boundary set based on research about the problems women in new relationships after being abused.

I suggest returning to the Freedom Programme to see what they think and at the very least do not tell this new man you have been abused until you have researched, investigated and completed a specific DV/DA counselling programme.

These new men/relationships are not there to take your mind off the abuse. That really isn’t fair on them to use them in such a way. They are not there to help or fix you and do not use or rely on them for such.

Serious relationships shouldn’t just happened. They should be consciously entered into and not just relationship with the first guy that “feels” right.

Learning to be on your own is an important skill which if not learnt leaves you vulnerable to letting the wrong people into your life.

[Author]

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