New Relationship

[Tiffany]

I have met someone new. It’s early days but things seem to be going well. No red flags. I am surprised by that. I thought even with a healthy relationship that I would be over sensitive and see red flags even if there weren’t any.

The reason this is in the “Life after” forum rather than the “Positive moments” is that I am wondering if anyone else who has gone from an abusive relationship to a healthy one can give some advice. I am finding the contrast between this relationship and my last one almost overwhelming at times. It really throws the abuse into sharp relief. I am being forced to come to terms with just how utterly awful my abuser was even in the early stages of our relationship. That he was playing games and messing with my head even before we started dating. Being treated kindly by a nice man is showing me exactly how much s**t I was willing to put up with last time. He is so much better and kinder than I even imagined could be possible for me. And it scares me that I thought I didn’t deserve this.

It isn’t in an overwhelmingly love bombing way either. He’s just gentle about things. He doesn’t push me for intimacy that I am not ready for. He gives me the time and space I need to process things. I have had to cut short some dates to go and look after my Grandfather who is ill. It’s all fine. It is all fine. But I had reached a point where I thought guilt tripping over family duties was normal. And that isn’t fine.

I am going to see a counselor soon. I have finally managed to get onto a waiting list and it shouldn’t be more than a month. But in the meantime I would love any advice.

[Lisa]

Hi Tiffany,

I’m sorry to hear about how you are feeling. It can be difficult adjusting to a healthy relationship after abuse. Even though the past relationship was abusive there is a bit of familiarity with the dynamics so anything different can feel very unsettling.

As you said it is early days, just try and enjoy his company and try not to stress too much. Hopefully the counselling will help you process some of this in time.

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[Tiffany]

Thanks Lisa, that is helpful advice. I have been continuing to struggle with anxiety, so we are slowing the relationship down a bit, and giving me some space to process and work on things. It’s all very much in contrast with the abuse. We have decided to cut out sex while I work stuff out. My ex used to frequently withhold sex “for my own good”. It’s amazing how unlike that this feels. The end result is similar, but the emotional impact is so different when it is a mutual descision rather than a one sided abusive one. I feel empowered, rather than abandoned.

[Janedoeissad]

Tiffany first of all I am so pleased it is all still going well! That’s excellent!

I recently attended a wedding and seeing how other couples interacted made me see how toxic my relationship was. Something as simple as a wife asking a husband to go to the bar for her. I wouldn’t have dared asked, in case he kicked off. Its amazing what brings things into focus.

I have no advice for you, I am around 100 steps behind you in my recovery but wanted to say that you should stay in the moment, enjoy every second and try not to plan too far ahead as that may increase anxiety. Remember that you deserve this nice, generous, kind man.

[purplecat]

I know exactly what you mean Tiffany. I have started a new relationship and it is as though I finally see how awful my marriage was. I kept going in the vain hope it would one day change, he would wake up and see me again or that I was doing what was right for the children. Now I see it for how it really was the repercussions of this realisation also mean that I keep second guessing my new boyfriend, I keep waiting for something awful to happen and when there are triggers that remind me of my ex husband I am very quick to get defensive and pull up the drawbridge. I ask myself all the time why he is with me, what he could possibly see in me and why on earth I deserve to be treated so well.
Focusing of the positives is so important and it is easy to fall into making comparisons. Truth is we have been conditioned to fear the worst and expect nothing more for ourselves. Outgrowing that conditioning is very tough. Try to see the positives for what they are, however small… I enjoy his company, he makes me laugh, he holds my hand, it felt good to curl up on the sofa. Breath a little and allow yourself to be happy without looking for a ‘but’. And most of all remember you are to be treated with kindness and consideration, as anyone else it. This is not something you have earned or deserve as a reward but simply put – a way that you should have been treated from the very beginning. Enjoy some happiness and let it warm your bones like the sunshine

[Tiffany]

I haven’t been second guessing yet. I was expecting to, but it hasn’t happened yet. I had my first afternoon waiting for a kick off though. Something happened when we were together. Not a big deal, but something my ex would have raised hell over. And even though I knew the man I was with wasn’t going to kick off I couldn’t entirely squash the fear. It’s emotionally a lot of hard work. I am hoping it gets easier and that I haven’t gone into dating too early. I really like this man and don’t want to mess him around.

[Tiredone]

This is exactly how I’m feeling about my current boyfriend. He’s such a kind and gentle soul but I keep waiting for him to snap and attack me.

I am pulling up the draw bridges again and want to run away but know I would be running away from a wonderful man that I may not find again.

I am so hard on him and always expect the worst. I feel like a f**k up and I bring him down and stress him out. I know he thought I would be better by now (over the PTSD and trauma). He’s made mistakes and I haven’t forgiven him for it. I know I’m being unkind but can’t help him.

How do you let your partner in? How do you stop expecting the worse?

[Tiffany]

Honestly, he still hasn’t f****d up once. We’re still taking things slow. I tell him when I am triggered. He doesn’t take it personally. That helps a lot. There is no pressure to be anything other than what I am. There is no pressure to recover. Obviously he wishes I didn’t get flashbacks or anxiety, but he doesn’t expect me to recover for him. He has his own issues, which in a way probably helps, and he is big on taking responsibility for his actions. I do the same and it seems to work out.

Honestly, for me, pressure to recover would be a bit of a red flag. It suggests that his love is conditional. I am also worried that you say you make him down and stressed. My ex used to blame me for his moods, and obviously our actions do have an impact on other people, but it isn’t as direct as ‘you have PTSD and that makes me depressed, so you have to recover.’ Which Wass the dynamic with my abuser.

[Tractor]

Tiffany great to see its still going well! Really happy for you. It must be awful for you when even further realisation sets in at how much abuse you were put through . You are in a really good place now and you can be proud of yourself . X x

[Tiffany]

I am definitely glad that my thoughts are “why did I let my ex treat me so badly, rather than “why is my new boyfriend treating me so well”. I know I deserve to be treated as well as I am being treated now. That must be a good sign. I find it hard to believe that he doesn’t get upset about the panic attacks and being careful of triggers. All the evidence suggests that he doesn’t. He doesn’t tell me he can fix it or anything. In fact he told me he couldn’t fix it, but he’d be there to support me if I wanted that, and also if I needed him to f**k off either temporarily or permanently he’d do that too. It’s a funny old world where having a boyfriend telling you that if you want to break up he will not in any way fight for your affection and just leave you alone is reassuring, but it really is. And he absolutely respects when I am busy, and is encouraging me to do more alone rather than with him. And it’s all lovely. I just wish I didn’t have to fight historic terror while I am enjoying this. It seems so unfair when the man who caused the terror didn’t have to deal with any of the problems it caused, because I didn’t process them until I left. I am glad not to have had to process them with him around, but it seems a lot for a new man to take on. I guess I just have to accept that he thinks I am worth it.

[Confused123]

HI Tiffanay

Glad to hear u have met someone nice, im still on my search but it is eye wakener when we see men that behave nicely and respectfully, i know every time i met decent guys, i couldnt actually handle all the niceness , totally made me realise how bad ex was , i actually kept my distance from these nice guys as any signs of itimacy just scared me , also met loads of horrible ones, so glad i can see the red flags and know when to keep distance . Just carry on taking things slowly at your pace

[Author]

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