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Middle aged, menopausal, rubber boob… I have recently been on a date chaperoned by my dogs. A friend has clapped eyes on him but was leaving as he arrived. No immediate red flags. I feel slightly protected by the wonderful people at WA and the other agencies helping me in my quest to turn around this container ship of c**p. This is the first time I have been on a date for over half my life. It’s quite scary.
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It’s less scary if you just think of it as making new friends. No pressure. Just take it slow. Well done. Just remember to keep it quiet from your ex. This can tip them over the edge. It’s taken me several years to get the fog of abuse out of my head. Even now I have times when I reality test. Keep your feet on the ground and just have fun x
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I’ve also been asked out to lunch with a man I went out with as a teenager. I feel really quite vulnerable. I don’t want to go out with him again. Although he is a lovely friend, I have moved on and I know he drives me round the bend.
I am going through the beginning of my relationship with the ex. Sex was only really ever his thing and from the off didn’t include me. For some really really stupid reason I thought he was inexperienced and it would get better. Any improvement was fleeting. That’s what’s rattling me at the moment. What flags was he waving at me RIGHT at the beginning? Of course that he was still married was a bit of one. One that showed him immediately to be a liar.
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You don’t have to go out with anybody you don’t want to. I found saying no incredibly difficult. Any sort of confrontation or even disagreement triggered me as it didn’t end well for me with my abuser. You are not the woman you were when you first met your abuser. Youre older and wiser. My ex was also married. Huge red flag but poor him, his wife didn’t understand him. He told his new gf who he cheated on me with exactly what he told me about his first wife. Word for word. I read it in her statement. It would be funny if it wasn’t so shocking.
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We (self and children) have been invited over to meet his offspring. I asked him if he would be prepared to show my daughter how to use something he has used for work. I have said instrument but have no idea what to do with it.
Still going to meet teenage boyfriend for lunch as it would be nice to catch up. I know very well that he would drive me round the bend. I have already been quite cross with him about certain things and I really don’t want to have to hear All men do that again!
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I’m starting Freedom again this week. Thing with this man are moving at a glacial pace which is good, even though glaciers can move fast. This one isn’t. It is wonderful to be able to consent to sex, and to find that my body still works. There are things I would like to ask him. I don’t want to interfere. I know that he has PTSD and has had some treatment for it. I am very aware of my co-dependency and don’t want to get involved.
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It’s seems extremely fast to already been meeting children? What happened to taking this easy? That seems high speed to me isnt it worth at least spending a few months dating each other to get to know each other before meeting other families?
This is something my brother did recently, like they were an item before they’d even got to know each other, which actually does sound like your situation, as you don’t know him, he’s hinted at deeper troubles, you already know he has PTSD. That’s a big deal, and I would say wise to know what’s going on with that before diving in too deep?Warmest wishes ts
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I introduced my family to my new man early on. Partly because I live with them, so not introducing him was impractical, but also because I had kept my relationship with my abuser secret to begin with and I felt that that secrecy was unhealthy. I don’t necessarily think it introducing him to people means things are serious. It just felt safer and more comfortable to me.
Totally agree on the not asking too many questions. My new man also has had problems in the past. I was really aware of my desire to fix things for him, after years of trying to fix things to keep myself safe in the abusive relationship. But I also knew that was unhealthy and I didn’t want to do it again. We developed a shorthand phrase that told the other that we were having problems because of our history which allowed the other person to give us space and be understanding without going into details. The details have come out gradually – but at a speed both of us are comfortable with, when we are comfortable telling them.
Sounds like you are doing really well maddog. Hope you find the freedom programme helps you to continue to move forward.
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That’s good to hear maddog! I really hope this one is a good experience for you, no matter where it leads or doesn’t.
Glad things are working well for you Tiffany. I wouldn’t want to keep things secret either, my own fears I think would lead me to not do it so quickly because he destroyed all my friendshipa really early on. But I guess you could say they weren’t great friends, but nevertheless, it caused so much harm to me, and the manipulation is so shocking, and effective!
The ex was ‘secretive’about his life history, he carefully crafted what he told me and was always poor him, etc. It was his mother that gave a shocking picture of their lives growing up an I found myself defending him.
The whole thing was so horribly messy and I really wish I had known early on before I kind felt ‘in too deep’, already ‘hooked’ or whatever state that is.
…but then knowledge and hindsight such great things aren’t they!
Warmest wishes ts
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I think biology has a lot to do with falling in love. My ex told me a lot of things early on which should have made me run for the planets! He was horrible about his ex wife, horrible about his mother, horrible about his sister… He wasn’t making money yet seemed to have extraordinary spending power. I was very vulnerable when I met him, just on the recovery side of a breakdown. The physical side of things was always a bit odd and I couldn’t work out why. He told me that he did everything on his own. I didn’t realise that it meant sex as well. I too defended him to the hilt. I so wanted to believe him when he told me when he was using me as a sex toy that it was his way of showing affection, although it felt otherwise. There were massive gaps in our sex life because of his behaviour. He took and he took and he took until there was nothing to give. I can’t remember how many times I told him how much I disliked being woken up by relentless prodding with his penis or his disgusting fingers poking around.
I know that I have co-dependency issues. It is good to drag them out from under the carpet and see them for what they are! There have been elephants in the room. Lots of them, and I spent my marriage projecting what was going on under my nose onto other people.
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