New relationship?

This topic contains 16 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Tiffany Tiffany 2 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #62684
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    Middle aged, menopausal, rubber boob… I have recently been on a date chaperoned by my dogs. A friend has clapped eyes on him but was leaving as he arrived. No immediate red flags. I feel slightly protected by the wonderful people at WA and the other agencies helping me in my quest to turn around this container ship of c**p. This is the first time I have been on a date for over half my life. It’s quite scary.

  • #62685
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    It’s less scary if you just think of it as making new friends. No pressure. Just take it slow. Well done. Just remember to keep it quiet from your ex. This can tip them over the edge. It’s taken me several years to get the fog of abuse out of my head. Even now I have times when I reality test. Keep your feet on the ground and just have fun x

  • #62706
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    I’ve also been asked out to lunch with a man I went out with as a teenager. I feel really quite vulnerable. I don’t want to go out with him again. Although he is a lovely friend, I have moved on and I know he drives me round the bend.

    I am going through the beginning of my relationship with the ex. Sex was only really ever his thing and from the off didn’t include me. For some really really stupid reason I thought he was inexperienced and it would get better. Any improvement was fleeting. That’s what’s rattling me at the moment. What flags was he waving at me RIGHT at the beginning? Of course that he was still married was a bit of one. One that showed him immediately to be a liar.

  • #62708
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    You don’t have to go out with anybody you don’t want to. I found saying no incredibly difficult. Any sort of confrontation or even disagreement triggered me as it didn’t end well for me with my abuser. You are not the woman you were when you first met your abuser. Youre older and wiser. My ex was also married. Huge red flag but poor him, his wife didn’t understand him. He told his new gf who he cheated on me with exactly what he told me about his first wife. Word for word. I read it in her statement. It would be funny if it wasn’t so shocking.

  • #62709
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    I endured the same fate as the first wife but with bells on. I know he treated her abominably because he told me about his entitlement to use prostitutes and that she had diagnosed sexual problems. Instead of the prostitutes he saw therapists. The result was the same.

  • #62722
    Profile photo of Tiffany Tiffany 
    Participant

    Not a woman over 50, but following your dating adventures with interest. Don’t date the guy you don’t want to date. Trust your instincts. If there are red flags with this new guy you will see them and can call time. And enjoy yourself!

  • #62724
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    We (self and children) have been invited over to meet his offspring. I asked him if he would be prepared to show my daughter how to use something he has used for work. I have said instrument but have no idea what to do with it.

    Still going to meet teenage boyfriend for lunch as it would be nice to catch up. I know very well that he would drive me round the bend. I have already been quite cross with him about certain things and I really don’t want to have to hear All men do that again!

  • #64710
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    I’m starting Freedom again this week. Thing with this man are moving at a glacial pace which is good, even though glaciers can move fast. This one isn’t. It is wonderful to be able to consent to sex, and to find that my body still works. There are things I would like to ask him. I don’t want to interfere. I know that he has PTSD and has had some treatment for it. I am very aware of my co-dependency and don’t want to get involved.

  • #64717
    Profile photo of Twisted Sister Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    It’s seems extremely fast to already been meeting children? What happened to taking this easy? That seems high speed to me isnt it worth at least spending a few months dating each other to get to know each other before meeting other families?
    This is something my brother did recently, like they were an item before they’d even got to know each other, which actually does sound like your situation, as you don’t know him, he’s hinted at deeper troubles, you already know he has PTSD. That’s a big deal, and I would say wise to know what’s going on with that before diving in too deep?

    Warmest wishes ts

  • #64732
    Profile photo of Tiffany Tiffany 
    Participant

    I introduced my family to my new man early on. Partly because I live with them, so not introducing him was impractical, but also because I had kept my relationship with my abuser secret to begin with and I felt that that secrecy was unhealthy. I don’t necessarily think it introducing him to people means things are serious. It just felt safer and more comfortable to me.

    Totally agree on the not asking too many questions. My new man also has had problems in the past. I was really aware of my desire to fix things for him, after years of trying to fix things to keep myself safe in the abusive relationship. But I also knew that was unhealthy and I didn’t want to do it again. We developed a shorthand phrase that told the other that we were having problems because of our history which allowed the other person to give us space and be understanding without going into details. The details have come out gradually – but at a speed both of us are comfortable with, when we are comfortable telling them.

    Sounds like you are doing really well maddog. Hope you find the freedom programme helps you to continue to move forward.

  • #64734
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    The children have met him as it’s simply impractical for them not to have. It is still very early days and I do not consider us as an item. There is still plenty of space for me to run for the hills!

  • #64735
    Profile photo of Twisted Sister Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    That’s good to hear maddog! I really hope this one is a good experience for you, no matter where it leads or doesn’t.

    Glad things are working well for you Tiffany. I wouldn’t want to keep things secret either, my own fears I think would lead me to not do it so quickly because he destroyed all my friendshipa really early on. But I guess you could say they weren’t great friends, but nevertheless, it caused so much harm to me, and the manipulation is so shocking, and effective!

    The ex was ‘secretive’about his life history, he carefully crafted what he told me and was always poor him, etc. It was his mother that gave a shocking picture of their lives growing up an I found myself defending him.

    The whole thing was so horribly messy and I really wish I had known early on before I kind felt ‘in too deep’, already ‘hooked’ or whatever state that is.

    …but then knowledge and hindsight such great things aren’t they!

    Warmest wishes ts

  • #64740
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    I think biology has a lot to do with falling in love. My ex told me a lot of things early on which should have made me run for the planets! He was horrible about his ex wife, horrible about his mother, horrible about his sister… He wasn’t making money yet seemed to have extraordinary spending power. I was very vulnerable when I met him, just on the recovery side of a breakdown. The physical side of things was always a bit odd and I couldn’t work out why. He told me that he did everything on his own. I didn’t realise that it meant sex as well. I too defended him to the hilt. I so wanted to believe him when he told me when he was using me as a sex toy that it was his way of showing affection, although it felt otherwise. There were massive gaps in our sex life because of his behaviour. He took and he took and he took until there was nothing to give. I can’t remember how many times I told him how much I disliked being woken up by relentless prodding with his penis or his disgusting fingers poking around.

    I know that I have co-dependency issues. It is good to drag them out from under the carpet and see them for what they are! There have been elephants in the room. Lots of them, and I spent my marriage projecting what was going on under my nose onto other people.

  • #64756
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    It feels good to have the freedom and the choice to consent and it is lovely to feel like human bean instead of a thing with holes in it.

    My ex took and took and took. There was nothing for me to give because he’d taken it all.

  • #64759
    Profile photo of Twisted Sister Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    Aw maddog, its awful, so so sad, glad that’s over for you.

    Yes, a lamp of meat with holes in, a sex thing. It’s how they think but then how we view ourselves.

    Warmest wishes ts

  • #64760
    Profile photo of Twisted Sister Twisted Sister 
    Participant

    *lump obvs! Not lamp!

    (Detail removed by moderator)

  • #64767
    Profile photo of Tiffany Tiffany 
    Participant

    You sound like a new woman maddog, and it is lovely. So much happier and more confident. Hang onto that no matter what happens with this man.

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