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Hi all. I really really need some advice. Started a new relationship and he is perfect, great with me, great with the kids. Has respect, time, listens, what’s me to succeed. Know all about my past etc etc we have done more things as a family together in these past few months then I ever did with my ex.
I’ve never been treated this way before and the past few months have been amazing BUT this weekend I have been so confused and miserable. I cant stop thinking of my ex, I miss him so much I could cry. My new partner annoys the life out of me, everything he does I cringe inside, I can’t stand him touching me, everything he says I’m biting back at him. Why am I feeling like this? Why after all this time I’m missing my horrible, selfish, vile, disgusting ex? WHY?
I feel so annoyed with myself, I’m so confused, I really need advice. How can I feel like I’m falling in love with this man but now I can’t stand him?? I just want to cry, I want to talk to him and tell him how I’m feeling but I know it will destroy him and I don’t want to hurt him!! HELP -
Hi,
As I’ve read in one very good book – you don’t feel strong emotions, passion, strong feelings. This is what yor ex gave you and what you thought was a love.
Real love is calm and respectful, friendly and supportive.
If you wish, I will pm you the name of this book. -
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I really hope you are enjoying yourself, Whenwillifindhappiness. I am slightly concerned that you mention that he is perfect and that he knows all about your past. Please, please make sure your boundaries are in place and don’t overlook your misgivings. I was reminded by a friend that 3/4 men are good men, so the chances are that you’ve landed on one. If you need space, say so.
My ex is a vile creature and I am appalled by the people who tell me he has threatened them or made them afraid.
If you’re finding the relationship not fun because of what’s happened to you, it’s not your fault.
Please take it gently.
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I haven’t had the missing my ex thing, but I recently went through a period where I didn’t want to be touched, wasn’t sure if I even fancied my lovely kind new boyfriend. For me I think it was set off by a depression and stress – I was triggered back into feeling like I was back in the relationship. For me I have dealt with the depression and am now coming back to my normal self and realising that I do still fancy him and that he makes me very happy. While I was still in the triggered patch I just told him that I still liked him, but I didn’t really want to be touched. Like yours, he knows my history and accepted it. It was tough on him. It’s hard seeing your partner sad and hurting and not be able to hug them, but he accepted it. I have also in the past got up in the middle of the night and gone home, because I wanted my own bed. He genuinely is a nice guy, so it was ok with him. I would suggest telling your guy if you need some space. If he’s genuinely nice it will be fine. Don’t go back to your ex though. Whatever the pull is, you know he isn’t good for you. I would try and work out what has triggered it. Have you had contact with him recently? Is something in your life reminding you of him? Is it an anniversary of something? Hope this helps.
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So great that you have had some wonderful peaceful and fun months.
Better to have some space right now maybe, time for you, you can be with yourself for a while.
Even years out for me, I still struggle a lot to get my own needs met whenever there is someone else around. Thankfully kind friends wil say, here have this, or, I’ll do that, or, take a bread I’ll help with dinner\kids. I am starting to get used to that without feeling like its because I’m c**p person.
When we have moved, there were 3 of us making up my bed, and I was just blown away that they just got on with helping me, and did it, when I uses to have to sleep on unmade beds, just blankets.
So its a slow process, and any time you feel shaken, overwhelmed or not know what’s going on, that’s the time to take some time for you to devote to you and what’s going on for you.
I hate to admit it, and don’t think I have before, and feel sick to say it, but did miss him too, but I do realise the bits I missed were just not real either, just part of a cycle, andghe letting go of the hopes and dreams of what our life together could be.
He never cared about me or the kids, that was obvious when we were there he had plenty of chance but was at best just absent, or worst, terrifying us.
You need time to work things through and then you can work out your feelings for new relationship. There’s no rush, take your time. He might not like it, but if he’s decent he won’t try to bully or blackmail you into ignoring this. He will wait until you know your own mind, you may be happy to continue or you may not, but you will know better.
Warmest wishes ts
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Thank you everyone. I’m fighting so much in my head it’s makin me ill. He doesn’t live with me so we do spend a lot of time apart but when he was here this weekend all I could think of was my ex. My ex has been contacting my solicitor regarding the children recently so maybe that has triggered it? I really don’t know but I miss him terribly, had no contact now for months and I just want to hear his voice. What is wrong with me seriously. He destroyed my life, it’s finally rebuilding and I see a future but I want it with him!?
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