New Relationship

[Paperdollmom]

I am divorcing my husband of (detail removed by moderator), who was a gaslighter and all that. My feelings for him have been non-existent for many years. So now that we have been separated I have sought out a new relationship with a nice man. I am discovering the struggles of trying to be in a healthy relationship with the unhealthy remnants of my previous relationship, in terms of my thought patterns. I notice I find myself thinking I am terrible at being in a relationship, to feeling like I wont fit in anyone’s life. I feel like I am 2 steps back from where I was when I got married (detail removed by moderator), and like I have nothing to contribute. I am trying to pull my thoughts back and give this new relationship room to grow and hopefully prove myself wrong, but any encouragement or positive thoughts that might help me, or even personal experiences where you found yourself in the same place,would be greatly appreciated!

[KIP.]

Have you had counselling? Women’s aid recommended two years before dating again and I wonder if you have spent enough time healing yourself. When you say you sought out a new relationship, it sounds like you have maybe rushed into it? I’m thinking maybe it’s just too soon. It took me a long time to get to a place where I felt confident in myself. You won’t always feel this way. It all just takes time. Healing from abuse is really important because we are very vulnerable for quite some time and can make disastrous decisions in that state. Just some ideas from your short post.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi, don’t be in too much of a hurry to embark on a new relationship. I’m revelling in finding me again. I’ve never lived on my own before and I love it. I don’t think I really want to be with anyone ever again, I find I lose me, put others needs and wants before mine every time, comes from being a child of the 60’s I suppose. Brought up to be a good girl, to always think of others and their needs, to not be selfish. We were perfect abuser material weren’t we? You are not terrible at being in a relationship, it sounds as if those are possibly an abusers words. I’ve been going through those feelings too recently, thinking that it IS me since I’ve been married twice and that I’m the common denominator. But then I sit and take stock, I’ve not made those men treat me this way,they chose to. We are a whole person, we don’t need another person to make us feel whole but it’s nice to be able to lean into someone without having to jump through hoops. Just take baby steps, you’ll find your way.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Paperdollmom]

Thanks for your thoughts! I did try therapy, but it got really uncomfortable for me in terms of being asked unnecessary details about my husband’s position in the military, and it freaked me out. I didnt want them messing with his career when health insurance is greatly needed for one of our kids with a chronic illness. So sadly I backed out and stopped going. I will have to think more on the things mentioned. I do feel ready to move on with someone new, but I do need to figure out working more on myself to release these old thought patterns.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi good for you. It’s getting things straight in our heads sometimes that’s the problem isn’t it? Not everyone needs therapy, I believe that the body can and does heal itself. I think why I asked for therapy was fir someone to reaffirm what I’m doing is good for me,that I’m doing things okay. Yes it’s opened up some old cupboards but it’s been okay, not overly traumatic, but then I’m a realist and pretty pragmatic. Dm any of us if you’d like to, we’re all here fir each other.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

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