New relationship but ex still trying to be controlling

[Tracker]

I’m with someone completely different to my ex, we been dating for a few months now and are official. He has met my daughter (detail removed by Moderator) recently, although we have been taking it slow and not rushing. Anyway for me to go out to see him once a week or go to work in holidays, my daughter goes to her (detail removed by Moderator). Except my ex lives there too. He started questioning her and she told him I have a boyfriend. He asked her loads of questions like what he looks like etc. He then tells me on the phone he is going to get him beat up as I’m not allowed to be happy with everyone. He also had the hump because I said I was going to claim child maintenance as I haven’t had a single penny in nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years and I’m struggling. He also manipulates his (detail removed by Moderator) and has now said that my daughter can’t go round there beacuse i ‘use’ him for childcare to go out with my boyfriend. However i am allowed to have a lovelife and go out as well as being a mum right? I have no other childcare so feel like he is still trying to control me and punish me. I have work (detail removed by Moderator) and no idea what to do for childcare now. I know it’s not my fault but feel like it is because I shouldn’t have asked for maintenance. My new boyfriend knows a little about my ex but I don’t know how much to tell him. My ex lives local too so I feel like I can’t have my boyfriend round in fear he will get seen and trouble will start. I don’t know what the point of this post is really, I just wish I didn’t need to rely on his dad for childcare and that I could move away. I’m scared of the influence he has on my daughter too ( he said that apparently she said she doesn’t like my boyfriend (detail removed by Moderator), even though she said this isn’t true and she likes him) and feel sorry for her when he promises her things and lies. He said he would get her an Easter egg and give her pocket money and yet nothing and now she is upset.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Tracker

Sadly your child is seeing who he is, and yes, its upsetting, but thats who he is, and the sooner she see’s it the better for her own protection. Its horrible to see in action, but its better for her own sanity that she see through him and his empty promises.

You need child maintenance, and he should be financially supporting his child. He has a responsibility to do this, legally. You could approach the CMS and state that all attempts at any family arrangements have failed and ask them to take it up direct with him. Your child should receive financial support, and he has responsibility to do that.

I guess, in as far as your new relationship is concerned, its best to be open about any threats that the ex makes against him or you. You don’t have to go into detail, but it is reasonable to state exactly what has been said, when it relates to him. He doesn’t need to know anything else, unless he asks and if you feel you want to share it, but only if you actively want to, don’t do it if you don’t feel ready. Its fine to say you don’t want this in your new relationship. Your new relationship should be about you two, especially very early on.

Perhaps also arm your child with the words to say to put a stop to any further interrogations from her father, as they need to know that this is wrong and not fair on them. If he wants to know anything he’ll have to ask you, end of, and of course you are not going to want to discuss this with him anyway, but its a general rule in life not to discuss other’s personal life details with someone else, especially not in this situation, and for her to know how unfair/wrong he is being to do this.

What a shame that your child’s (detail removed by Moderator) has chosen to do this. It also seems to be very odd behaviour on his part to forego all previous contact that he used to have, and perhaps he is also being controlled by your ex. Your child will be better away from that anyway, as he’s withdrawn it like this.

I hope you have other options that you can pursue for childcare, and get straight onto CMS for financial support.

warmest wishes

ts

[Fallingleaves]

Hi tracker
This sounds very similar to my situation in some ways, so sorry you’re having to go through this.
You are 100% allowed to have a love life and be a mum, you deserve a happy and loving relationship. It’s so frustrating as I’m sure you want your daughter to be in your care the majority of the time (as I do with my two) but you’re the one having to juggle a life and work outside of that while they get to do whatever they want whenever they want.
I also have a new relationship and my ex is completely against me even letting him be around our children, he makes violent threats and says I have to drop them off to him if I want to see him. It’s so unreasonable and makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong.

Anyway, not much advice, just wanted you to know you’re not alone. I’m finding the situation so depressing, but keep the faith that it won’t always be like this.

I would say be as honest as you can with your new partner about the situation. You might be worried that it will put him off or worry him, but if he’s supportive and wants to be with you he’ll stick by you and work through the situation with you. He also has every right to report your ex’s threats to the police (even if they’re being sent through you) I haven’t done this but I will if my ex threatens me or my new partner again. I don’t feel like he can even come to my house for a cup of tea incase my ex finds out. I know by not doing it I’m letting him control me but it’s so hard to get out of the habit of just doing anything to keep the peace 🙁

As for the childcare situation that does sound tricky. He has absolutely no right to tell you want you can and can’t do in your own time, and you deserve time to yourself as being a single parent is hard enough (without unsupportive and threatening behaviour)
I guess if he continues to be difficult then push for the child maintenance and potentially use this money for childcare to take him out of the equation? Have you any trusted friends of family that would help with some childcare? I hate asking people but I’ve realised that there are more people out there than I think that do want to help.

Good luck and I hope you can enjoy your time with your new partner in a loving relationship, you deserve it! x

[Author]

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