New relationship, mental health issues but still can’t walk away

[JP28]

I’ve been seeing someone for about (detail removed by moderator)
He has bi polar, borderline personality disorders among other things
He isn’t on medication at the moment even though he should be and his mood goes from one extreme to another quickly

He gets angry a lot and have had a lot of arguments already, sometimes over little things and frustration. But slowly getting worse.
Every time we see each other again tho it’s like it never happened, make up and it’s fine

He moves fast in the relationship, wants to get engaged, have kids, – way too soon
But also nice things like saying he wants his place to feel like mine too, get a key cut, he loves me so much, wants to buy me things, take me places etc even tho can’t really afford it yet you can tell he wants a nice life with me etc

The biggest rows recently I think is because he thinks I’m not committed (because it’s too soon) that im rejecting him.
I saw a message from another woman on his phone (Detail removed by moderator) so read a few more messages, I knew I shouldnt but when you have that gut feeling.
He was on a dating site again (Detail removed by moderator) and starting messaging a few others. One the messages i read was about being a family with her and her child. Etc kinda things he said to me or wanted from me
I packed my bag and left before he knew.
We got talking again and he said it was because I was being distant, rejecting him and that I was the one being secretive, he thought I was hiding things as my phone is on silent or I take it to the toilet with me, but rather than talk to me about his insecurities he like moved on and found someone else even tho claimed to love me and still says he does
I tried to reassure him, I’m not the kind of person who would cheat, I wouldn’t treat anyone the way I wouldnt want to be treated, said all I talk to is my family and friends and wasn’t deliberately trying to hide anything.
And because one of my friends is a man, it’s me a cheat now, I’m a (detail removed by moderator), I’m this or that, I keep getting called names and a cheat when it wasn’t me in the wrong and he wants me to delete my friend and not talk to him again and says it’s him or me.

He lies a lot about little things, I’m quitting my job, I’m in hospital being sectioned, I’ve lost my flat, I’m going for a drink (he’s an alcoholic too but wasn’t drinking at the time) – all not true it’s just venting and getting a reaction from me, but when you get told all little lies, it’s hard to believe things that matter like not trusting him now that he’s cheating etc

So now I don’t trust him at all, every time his phone goes off I can’t get these thoughts out my head who he’s talking to but feel I can’t talk to him about my feelings without him getting angry or defensive

He has asked for my help to get back on tablets and I want to help, and when we don’t talk about my friend or I not ask him about other women or my insecurities it’s all great which keeps me there.
My head is all over the place
One min, run, can do better, shouldn’t put up with it, next I just want to be with him
Thinking once he trusts me and knows the person I am it will be better, think he’s been cheated on in the past, or once he’s on some meds that will help and his home life is more stable etc
Or maybe in just coming up with excuses and in denial

 

[Lisa]

Hi JP28

Welcome to the forum! I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

If your partner has a mental illness and is abusive towards you, it’s important to keep in mind that the mental illness and the abusive behaviours need to be handled separately by the abusive partner. It is the abusive partner’s responsibility to seek out support and create their own plan for managing their mental illness and be accountable for their abusive behaviour. His mental illness is no excuse to be abusive to you.

It sounds like your partner gets very jealous and is emotionally abusive to you, his behaviour is very concerning. He also lies to you a lot and this is not healthy in a relationship.

Please think about getting some support in place as this must be a really difficult time for you.

Take care and keep posting,

Lisa

[JP28]

Thank you, we went away together the other weekend and was great to start with, he wanted to pay, take me away treat me, saying all nice things.
Then he had a drink, got drunk, bit flirty with someone we got talking to (she told me he tried to give her his number)
Got back to (removed by moderator), he then turned it on me, I got upset and went downstairs and he came down drunk, angry ended up hotel calling the police, him going off, me staying in the hotel on my own and not knowing how he was getting home etc. Awful ending to the weekend.
Then didn’t speak for a (removed by moderator), I was getting dozens of abusve messages, im the cheat etc

Didn’t like leaving things the way they were
Met up again (removed by moderator), again not even mentioned what went on, I think I’m too scared to bring it up as don’t know how he will react.
I don’t trust him tho, I don’t know if he’s messaging other women still and I can’t mention it as it’s accusing him and he will get angry but now he lost the trust before messaging others when I thought we was better/happier then. How do I know he’s not doing it now. I need more re assurance but can’t get it

We got on fine this time, no arguments or anything and nice when we are together but then I still bring this negative thoughts back home with me and insecurities now hmmmm

[Chestnut]

Hello

I think what you have described is really concerning. My oh has a health condition, difficult childhood etc and I used it as an excuse for his behaviour for over a decade, please don’t do the same. You cannot fix someone (support yes but they need to do it and take responsibility for when they hurt you). You are not going to make this all better by just loving him that little more etc. Your comment nearly made me cry “ Thinking once he trusts me and knows the person I am it will be better”. You are making his happiness your responsibility, it is not it is his and his alone. I made this mistake. You also said scared to share your feelings, you should not feel that way in a healthy relationship. Sorry if this sounds harsh but a lot of what you have written sounds very familiar. Please remember he is responsible for his happiness and you for yours! X

[Camel]

Hi JP28

Firstly, you know he tells lies, all the time. So what makes you believe him when he says he’s bi-polar/borderline personality? And that he ‘should be’ on medication, but isn’t, despite managing to get a detailed clinical diagnosis?

Second, even if this bit is true, it’s not your responsibility to get him on the right meds. That’s between him and the medical profession.

Third, if things are only good when he gets his own way then they’re not good at all. Consider what ‘making up’ actually means. It sounds like nothing is resolved to your satisfaction. ‘Making up’ sounds more like ‘not arguing’ to be honest.

Fourth, instead of listening to what he SAYS (promises, plans, declarations of love) look at what he DOES (gets drunk, abusive, cheats on you, accuses you of cheating, forces you to commit when you’re understandably reluctant.) Then look at how he makes you FEEL (sad, embarrassed, crazy, selfish.)

Relationships should never be this hard, especially right from the start. We’re told that relationships need to be ‘worked at’ but this isn’t a genuine relationship. He’s a predator and your his prey. I’m sure I won’t be the only one to say you should get away. Fast.

[AbbeyRoad]

This sounds familiar to me. I carried on thinking I could help, my love developed stronger and we moved in together. Here I am (detail removed by moderator) later looking for support because nothing changed. Except I feel more invested into the relationship and can’t pull away. I look at those first few months and I saw the red flags I just thought loving someone and becoming the support they may never have had will be enough. I now realise nothing I do will be enough it has to come from them. So now I am trying to get my mind back to what it was like when I first met him. What was I wanting from a relationship, why am I a million miles from that. The one thing I think is if my friend came to me saying this is the relationship I’m in and said all the things I have in mind, I would say walk away. So if I would say that to my friend why can’t I listen to it for myself??

 

 

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