New relationship, old relationship and fear of myself

[bunsandcakes]

Hi all,

It’s been a while for me… Probably (detail removed by moderator) since I posted. I’ve been free (detail removed by moderator). I have had a lot of dating experiences since. Some risky. Some not. I think I became somehow addicted to sex and dating. I don’t know why or how quite. Loneliness I guess and stress. I enjoyed the change from my ‘real life’s which was just hard work and I enjoyed feeling desirable to others after my ex made me feel like dirt for so long.

Anyway.. I fell in love with someone who actually wasn’t that great to me. He didn’t do anything abusive but he called it off out of the blue then kept coming back and then doing the same thing again. I know he is bad news. He really hurt me.

Since then I met someone else. He is kind, honest. He cares for me deeply. He wants to build something with me. I cannot fault him. He loves my body and all its flaws. He wants me to just be me and I am. He understands mental health issues as has suffered too. He is a good ear when I’ve told him of my ex. I literally can’t fault him. BUT… The bad egg recent ex got back in touch, just wanting to be friends but said he loves me and I’ve left a hole in his life. I can’t let him go. We chat via text and I crave seeing him even though I have this wonderful new guy. The nice new guy somehow has now begun to scare me. It’s like it’s too good. Too perfect. I crave driving to this other guy and having sex with him or telling him I love him. It makes me feel unhinged somehow. It’s like I have some kind of self destruct button in my head I’m trying hard not to press. All I ever wanted was to meet someone who loved me for me. I found that now. But I can’t stand it somehow. It feels suffocating. I feel anxious. I pine for the bad egg.

I didn’t feel like this the whole time, when we first started to date it was perfect! It started once I told my EX, the abusive one. He got angry with me. My new chap met our kids and they love him. Them loving him has made me anxious.

I think I’m scared of building a future with him. I’m scared to go back into being locked into things with someone. Exposing my kids to someone after everything it took me to leave their dad.

It’s so messy and complicated. I love him. But I’m scared. And I love the bad egg more…?

[SunshineRainflower]

It sounds like it could be fear of intimacy/fear of committment, a type of emotional unavailability you have. I think I have this too, I always feel trapped in relationships. I think mine is to do with childhood trauma and attachment problems with my mum.

Have you had any therapy for this?

It sounds like you don’t love the ‘bad egg’ at all but he is giving you a sort of addictive high. I’m sure you know this already but nothing good with happen if you return to the bad guy, you’ll just end up getting hurt and hurting this new man you’re dating. But I can relate as I’ve mostly dated bad eggs my whole life so know they can feel intoxicating. Usually it’s because we had an emotionally unavailable caregiver growing up so emotionally unavailable people seem really exciting and great to us, whereas loving people seem alien, gross, annoying, suffocating etc.

I think therapy would really help. Plus cutting off contact with the bad guy, and maybe just telling the good guy your fears and taking it really slow with him, or even returning to friendship while you have therapy then re-evaluating. Rushing into relationships when you’re carrying around previous unhealed traumas tends to cause issues in new relationships even if they new partner is healthy. You also need to take it really slowly with the new guy and check that he’s not an abuser too. Usually just taking it slow will reveal their true colours and if he is genuinely a good person, he won’t mind taking things slowly.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
I would add something to this. I am of an older generation and actually remember a time before
I met my ex that women had actually more freedom than I believe most of us do now, in terms
of the types of relationships we have.

Just stop for a moment. Good advice from previous poster I would say. There is no reason on earth why you would have to dive straight into living with someone, trad relationship, marriage, sharing joint bank accounts tenancy agreements and the like.

There is a middle way. You have just posted really honestly according to how you feel.
Shouldn’t we all have the right now that we can construct the context of relationship how we want,
not hurting anyone but just, how we want?
if someone is not prepared to accept our framework then it is their loss ultimately.
thanks for posting appreaciate your honesty.
I kind of am grappling with this one too.
all very best
ftc
x

[Confused123]

HI

Not sure why we go after the bad egg, is it cause we are used to been treated like c**p from them so seems a norm that normal, where with this new guy, the noraml behaviour is new to u and your scared of gettign hurt again, u know ex will hurt u but cause u were previously used to it, it feels ok but its not.

keep away from the ex, his just missing the benefits he had of been with u

[bunsandcakes]

Thanks guys, this has really helped.

I did talk to my new partner about some of it and I cut off contact from the bad egg. Things are now back on track and progressing well with the new guy. He is so understanding and flexible about things which I just havent experienced before. My abusive ex has been trying to threaten me and sending controlling and coersive messages as he knows I am in the new relationship. I’ll start a new thread on that shortly as I would appreciate advice.

Isnt it amazing how the abusive relationship, evn though it’s over, seems to sprawl on into everything you do in the future… like some kind of fungus trying to poison everything.

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