New relationship, old thoughts

[Working Hands]

Hi,

I am trying, for the first time, to be with someone new after an abusive relationship. This new relationship started slowly, with lots of talking and understanding, which made me feel very secure and heard. I have really been able to open up about my past and I do believe that he’s a nice guy, although I struggle to trust that the kindness is genuine, that there aren’t expectations to meet his every need at the expense of mine, and that my boundaries will be accepted. I keep expecting it to turn bad, and any (non-abusive) similarity I see with my abusive ex rings huge alarm bells and makes me panicky.

My new partner has understood all of this and been wonderful. However, now that things have become more physical, I am really struggling. I seem to have a strange mixture of no boundaries and a total inability to open up. I used to be very confident sexually, but both my new partner and I now have some problems around sex, so we agreed to take things slowly. He is lovely and gentle, and the first time we had any physical contact, I managed to relax, but as things have gone on, I’m really struggling in my head, whereas he seems fine. I feel there’s an expectation, and that neither of us realised how slow I need to go. His version of slow, again very well-meaning, actually makes me feel more uncomfortable and ashamed, because it’s so far from what I’m used to and there are things I now “need” that he would never provide (excessive physical praise, some element of roughness and dominance). He also said something that although perfectly innocent touched a nerve and made me cry. He was horrified and sympathetic, but I’m feeling very fragile, vulnerable and scared, so it’s totally knocked the confidence and intimacy we were building, I feel completely blocked and like I now want nothing more than a hug. I don’t know how to express this to him when really, I would like to be physically close. There’s just a barrier I can’t get past and now it feels even bigger, and I feel like his attempts at kindness and relaxing me are actually making me feel more pressure and fear.

I don’t know what to do, and it’s almost making me regret leaving my ex, because at least the sex was easy and simple, and I knew exactly what he wanted, even if I was serving him and often felt used or as if my boundaries had been violated. Now I have boundaries in strange places: none where a “normal” person might have them, and huge ones around things that should be nice and reassuring.

I don’t know what to do. I really like my new partner, but I’m terrified of doing something “wrong” or hurting him. I worry that if I can’t sell myself on the physical side of things, my personality will not be enough. I don’t know how to discuss things that were never up for discussion in my abusive relationship, so I’m just feeling nervous, tearful and like never trying to be with anyone again, like I’m ruined for any future possibility of romantic happiness.

Has anyone dealt with this when trying to move on? How do I tell him that I’m feeling so bad when he is trying so hard to be kind?

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel … working hands,
I think everything you are feeling is OK to feel … its not about what is ‘normal’ its about what feels right for you.
It is lovely that you have found someone who sounds as you describe him very understanding, however your focus is on meeting his needs, what about him meeting yours. We so to often put the focus on them … do they like me, what about asking the question do I really like them!
I really think you have some more self love work to do, its great that you are setting boundaries but maybe due to your past experience they have gone from one extreme to the other, which can often happen.
When you doubt things in him, turn it around on yourself and ask why you doubt that in you… for instant you say you cant fully trust him, ask your self, can I fully trust myself? And look further into this.
Have you thought of going to see a counsellor? I think this would help unravel things, if you are not able to do that maybe start journaling on your feelings and see if a pattern emerges with your triggers.
The bottom line though in any situation is that if you do not feel comfortable doing something or it is taking away your self worth and self respect… do not do it.
If in doubt, there is not doubt.
If this is the man for you he will go as slow as you want to, and understand.
Have faith that nothing that is meant for you will pass you by. So be brave and trust your instincts.
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Living Warrior]

hi lovely,
I have been in your situation, as I am in a new relationship too. Its difficult to understand what these changes in circumstances do to yourself, so try not to worry too much, it IS normal.
its your bodies way of protecting you from being abused again.. fight or flight kicks in. again totally normal.
Things that you didnt know bothered you, may bother you. this is all about learning. take your time, dont stress, try to be as open and honest as you can.
If he is a decent guy he will understand and want to help, he may need pointing in the right direction as your needs change and you feel more comfortable, but again this is normal!

you start off tentative, then you gain confidence in your relationship and you need less reining in… but sometimes you hit bollards, sometimes something happens and its a bit much at that time, just pull it back a bit, leave it a while and try again… its all new, its all unexplored.

you do not know your limitations, nor his. as its new. but through give and take, you can get through it and work out whats best.. 🙂
there is light at the end of the tunnel.

it may help to write a list of your needs within a relationship.
(just for your own head space) this will stop you doubting yourself.

need to be safe. loved, happy, feel confident, content, sexual, independent as well as a “couple”.
start off with the whole relationship- what do you want/need out of it.
then go to the sexual side,
you need to keep a clear head. so that when “problems” arise and you doubt things, you can back it up with the reasons you want a relationship.

have a look at “living with the dominator” by pat craven. she names attributes of different types of abusive men, but she also lists traits of genuine nice guys, sit and go through them, im sure that your new guy will have more of the genuine guy side and this will put u at ease.

i did write a post in general on living with the dominator – the abusive traits.

i do have a lot of knowledge of this, so if you need anything else. feel free to ask 🙂 pm me if need be 🙂
i hope this helps.

[Working Hands]

Thank you both so much for your kind words. It’s been a really difficult week in my head and I’m trying to listen to the warning signs about my own mental health and my needs so that I can communicate them confidently, without worrying so much about how they will be received. It helps so much hearing that it’s normal, because I feel so ashamed and it’s all now coming from things that are deeply ingrained in my head. The worst is the bit of my brain that says “you can’t expect someone else to accept this, you are making excuses for yourself” and the good old “maybe you’re being abusive and manipulative and unreasonable”.

I have had some therapy, and I’m on a break waiting for more, but still doing my work independently. The break has actually been as helpful as the therapy: it’s given things time to settle so that I’ve even felt able to consider a romantic partnership again. Maybe I need to remember that’s massive progress in itself: feeling, even to some extent, that I own myself again.

I’m going to do some of the things you two have suggested. Thank you again! Sometimes just seeing how kind people are is a helpful reminder not to expect the same abuse from everyone!

[Author]

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