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    • #173686
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Hey, sorry I do feel my situation is very minor to what others situations can be, like I know from my past. But I need some perspective. I was in a long term relationship where the abuse in the end was very obvious. I am not so prepared for finding red flags in a new relationship. So here is a list..

      He jokes about alot, I do too, but sometimes his jokes end up hurting me, like I said how I haven’t taken a photo today, he said, (line of direct communication removed by moderator).

      He gets moody, can be for a whole day, he just wakes up moody and our whole day is then pretty much ruined. But he always feels bad for ruining my day.

      Sometimes he can snap at me and I get all hot and want to burst out crying.

      He is bad with money, is in debt but still takes on unnecassary new items that need to be paid off.

      Moving into together, he asked if I coudl help with rent even before I had moved in. (moving across the country so he can be near his kids)

      Married to one women- still married, apparently has no money to divorce, 1 kid with one women who he doesn’t know where they are, apparently the kid has bada autism, and 2 kids with another women.

       

      He is so amazing in every other way though, honestly this is making me crazy, he doesn’t want more kids, I have none and I need to decide soon if I should leave him incase I do want kids with someone else..

       

    • #173691
      Cat24
      Participant

      Your gut is telling you something isn’t right hence why you are feeling torn and I agree from what you’ve said ..he sounds like a d**k . You deserve better. This sounds just like my ex at first subtle but obvious remarks about things like my appearance, also had child with someone else and she actually contacted me and told me she fled to refuge because of him. I checked with local authority and it was true.  And he got worse and took me (number removed by Moderator) years and putting him in prison (number removed by Moderator) to get away. Only reason he stopped was not prison it was becayse he met someone else. Who (number removed by Moderator) months in is now a new victim of abuse from him.

      My ex moved very fast in the relationship he wanted to move in within weeks , etc I should have gone with my gut like you now and walked away.  The moods get worse btw . The silence and moods turn into explosive anger.  He’s suppressing that at the moment so you don’t see.

      Have you done a clares law on him yet ? This is a request from police to show you his record..although some can be sponged so be aware it doesn’t show everything. But enough if need be.

      But I’d go with your gut . There’s doubts and sounds like you know something isn’t right.

      Keep safe 🙏

      • #173694
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        Oh wow, thankyou for replying, I try to talk to family/friends, but they don’t really get it, or understand how abuse can start. My past long term ex abuser was just so different, I thought this new guy must be a good guy especially at the start before those little red flags came along (ignoring the situational red flags of his ex’s) – also I didn’t add how he is bad with money, then gets really stressed about money, but then soon later spends needlessly. I have now applied for Clairs law – thankyou good idea!. Let’s see what that brings back. This is just mad. I am suposed to move up with him in a couple weeks, he is sorting the house now, atleast I have this time along to work things out. xx

    • #173696
      Cat24
      Participant

      Hey

      I won’t tell you what to do as thats unfair , but if you do not feel right, go with that feeling. If you want to wait and not move in yet so you can get to know him more, go with that,  I know I’m just a message but me and I’m sure others would be on your side. Definitely me after what you’ve described  😊

      Have you tried the freedom programme ? It describes all the different types of abusers and it is really good to read. I think you can enquire on this site.

      Yeh not a lot of people will understand unless they’ve been through it. One thing I never  regretted is I always ensured I had my own home, own job and own Independence so if anything does pop up in a relationship where I’d have to leave , I have all those things to ensure I was OK. Just some food for thought if he spends rent money etc.

      His moods do sound quite up and down. How do you think he will react if you explained you were not ready for that step ? His reaction may tell you a lot as well.

      But yes you have this time to think but it feels like your mind has already sussed a lot of things that don’t sit right. Xx

       

      • #173698
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        I did the Freedom program, I need to look at that book again actually, this is just so different to before, he is a great partner. My ex abuser was a terrible partner in every way.

        He is now a (detail removed by moderator) drive away, so either I go up and live there or we split up really.

        The thing he does is, when I initially say something he doesn’t like, he may react intially in a bad way, like when he asked me again if I had decided if I will move up with him, I was with broken bones and a mess, I said I just don’t have the mental capacity atm to think about it. He said ‘(specific line of communication removed by moderator)‘. But later when he had time to think about it, he was nice and understanding and didn’t ask for a long while after. Though when he did ask and I said I was not sure still, he said that maybe it isn’t the right thing then. And that made me say ok I will go up. Is that my own attachment problems or he kinda pushed me to give an answer. I don’t know. But that kind of thing happens alot, he may initially be a bit rude, then  he is going away and thinking about it then coming back with a better response.. xx

      • #173699
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        When I am with him I don’t have doubts, (unless he is moody) but when I am away from him I am full of doubt. I miss him though.

      • #173706
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        He also has never told me that he loves me… Not sure how ready I am to say it to him.

    • #173707
      Marmalade
      Participant

      Hi Eyesopening,

      I know how hard it is to navigate relationships after an abusive one. The abusive one sucks away all confidence and the ability to see things clearly. It can so easily become just 2 extremes -abuse or wonderful but in reality there’s a whole spectrum in between.

      So with this new guy, how about not even thinking about abuse as this is tying you in knots. How about thinking about compatibility and happiness and love. You deserve all 3 in a relationship. You are questioning yourself now which means your gut is uncomfortable. I am a great believer in listening to gut instinct, at least to analyse why you feel that way. This has been triggered for you by the moving away together as this is a very big decision. You are moving away from your old life and it’s a big commitment so you really need to consider if it’s right for you. If you were just continuing as you were then you wouldn’t have to confront your choices at this stage, but the move is forcing you to really think what you want. It’s a really big jump if neither of you have told the other they love them and presumably the long term future has then not been discussed?

      Two things stand out to me. Firstly you really have very different attitudes to money. How would that play out if living together? Secondly the whole children issue is a big one. You know his view but what about your own? Would you want to give up your chance of having children at this stage?

      So have a really big think about the realities of your life if you moved away with him. Think also about where you want to be in your life in 5 or 10 years time and whether that fits with his views and his way of life.

      If this is the man that you love and see your future with then that is your decision. Equally if his decisions and attitudes don’t align with yours then it’s fine to pull back and consider whether you are compatible and would make each other happy.

      Good luck with whatever decision you make.

       

    • #173710
      selfish
      Participant

      Hi eyesopening,

      I can only sympathise with you. I too have recently got into a relationship after leaving my abusive partner. The red flags seem to be multiplying, and I am pretty sure he is a functioning alcoholic. I question if 80% of the relationship is good, should I ignore my gut. I have to consider my kids though. We’ve just found our safe place, and they deserve better. It’s so hard, because I know by walking away I’ll probably be alone, but on the other hand I accepted that before and I was happy, possibly happier then I feel now. He’s putting a lot of pressure on me to ignore his drinking, but I don’t think I can.
      I hope you have a clearer mind now and have made a decision.

    • #173715
      minimeerkat
      Participant

      marmalade has given you such a good response & pointed out some really important things to consider. it is such a big thing to commit to when you are having doubts – if these doubts occur when you are not with this person is it anything to do with trust & has he ever given you reason not to trust him.  if you needed much more time to commit to this move but both felt the relationship was worth holding on to then surely your partner would completely understand & respect this – it wouldnt mean you had to sever ties unless you were somehow given an ultimatum which would then tell you everything you needed to know.  an abusive partner can intentionally want to separate you/move you away from any support network you may have so please take as much time as you need to know 100% if this would be a safe decision to make

    • #173787
      Eyesopening
      Participant

      Thankyou so much for replying, Minimeerkat, Selfish(i’m sure you’re not😊), Marmalade, Cat24.

      I really needed to talk, still confused, not decision made.. I am terrible at decisions. But when talking to the police about Claires law, they asked about my previous long term abusive relationship and if I ever reported it. I said no as i was in another country. But they still wanted to take down details… it was difficult.. and reminded me how serious and how bad it was.. bit of a slap to the face that these relationships and dangers to becoming involved in one is not to be taken lightly! It’s not the matter that the harder it gets then the easier it is to see and leave (just like lundy bancroft’s book why does he do that tells us.. I am jelous of children who grow up in non abusive homes. I have done so much work on myself, but i am still attracting red flags/ potential abusers! Will abuse follow me for the rest of my life? If you have children with an abuser run! It ruins your childs life potential FOREVER!!!

      • #173892
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Hey I feel this way too. I have seemed to jump from one abusive relationship to the next even friendships. Its like we are a magnet to these and my counsellor says we are. That we attract tbese people not on purpose but because of our trauma. We have to work on that in order to get rid of the magnet we hold. None of this is far so often abusers get away free whilst we have to fight each and every day just to stand.

        As i said you need to trust yourself on this one search way deep down inside to find the answer you are looking for and trust that gut of yours it knows it really does know.

        Always remember you arent alone we have you sweetie. Xxxxx̌

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