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Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. This forum really helped me get myself back together after an abusive relationship.
I met someone new about 3 months ago. I’m not sure if he is manipulative or just has commitment issues. He appears to be very nice, kind and has a good job etc. very polite and well mannered. My concerns are:
My gut tells me something is off.
He distances himself after intimacy.
He has lowered my expectations of the relationship to pretty much FWB. He says lovely things about me ( I’m kind, wonderful, special person, honoured to have met someone like me) but then says he can’t commit. Says he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings but does. It’s that stark contrast between words and actions.
when I tried to take control and end things he asked to stay in touch. ‘It would mean so much to me’. When I said no he went quiet.
hot and cold behaviour big time. when I try to put a boundary in place he goes quiet. But appears to like it when I message him.
He told me that he is not over his ex. After 3 months of us being together.
I have ended it. He comes across as sweet and kind and well educated etc. but this experience has knocked me back a bit as I was doing so well being happy on my own.
I would be so grateful for any advice.
Thank you -
Hi Beachrunner, this sounds like he was enjoying the relationship as it was and liked you but was not ready to offer you any commitment. I suppose a good thing is that he was completely honest about this, no attempt to lovebomb or gaslight you to draw you in. But you both obviously want different things going forward.
It’s very difficult to start a new relationship after an abusive one. I think DA charities recommend a gap of about 2 years before thinking of dating again. Abusive relationships are very damaging and affect our abilities to trust and our self esteem.
I am sorry this one didn’t work out but it’s really positive that you realised that the two of you wanted different things and so had the confidence to end it.
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