New relationship worries

[Fortis]

I ended up dating a new guy not long after leaving my ex and we’ve been taking things really slow because I’d been trying to work on myself at the same time and trying to get my confidence back. It’s made things difficult and he feels that we laxk a spark because I’m not ready to completely open up. But I have worries and I’m not sure if they’re valid or if I’m just being paranoid.

I feel more of a connection with him now and he doesn’t seem like my ex in many ways. But there are a couple of things that make me feel uncomfortable and I’m not sure what to think.

Because I’m shy and I’ve lost my confidence even more since my ex, I struggle to make conversation with him and his friends. His friends are really important to him so I get that he wants me to make an effort with them, but when he keeps saying I need to make an effort and gets a bit annoyed when I can’t make conversation, it makes me even worse. I am trying.

I also feel confused that he’s mentioned a few times that there’s something missing in our relationship but he’s not breaking up with me and will still talk about us living together one day. It’s like he’s waiting for me to get my confidence back, but I also feel like it’s all on me that we’re not quite where we want to be in our relationship.

I guess my biggest worry is that I don’t want to end up in another bad relationship, but I don’t want to let a decent guy go if I’m just being paranoid.

[Eggshells]

Hi Fortis,

I honestly don’t think he should be trying to force you to be confident around his friends. It feels a little like you are a trophy that he wants to show off. If he’s a decent guy, he’d be picking up on how difficult it is for you.

If you’re not really very confident in your own judgement yet, I’m wondering if it may be a little early for you to be starting a new relationship.

It is really hard finding yourself after an abusive relationship. Trying to deal with what someone else wants you to be isn’t going to give you enough space to work out who you really are.

Maybe you need a little more time to yourself? If you can take some time to slowly find yourself and build your confidence, you may find that you feel more confident about the nature of any future boyfriends.

Take care. xx

[littledove]

I agree with Eggshells, you can’t work on yourself if your focus is on someone else. And I think it’s a good idea to work on yourself and heal before getting into something new with someone as you are still in a vulnerable position.

You can’t love another person unless you love yourself first. And it’s always a good idea to be happy on your own first before someone else adds to that happiness. As you will just look for another person to make you happy and that can cause being reliant on another person.

Also, he shouldn’t be pushing you to open up. He should be understanding that you’re not comfortable or ready to.

If you have worries then trust your gut instinct – it’s ALWAYS right. The right person wouldn’t make you feel that way, whether you are an over thinker or not.

He doesn’t really seem that decent a guy from your post tbh…remember you deserve to be treated like a QUEEN, respected and understood!
Anything less throw it out! Don’t settle. There’s 7 billion people in the world. Xx

[littledove]

Also Women’s Aid actually recommend that you stay single for 2 years before getting into something new as it puts you at risk of being with another toxic person as you’re still vulnerable and could fall into the trap again x

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