New relationships.

[Amaguq]

Hi all 🙂

Have many of you entered a new relationship?
How did you cope with the uncertainty that it may happen again?

I have many questions but I won’t ask.
Not sure I can explain all here but I met a wonderful friend online, I told him more about my abuse that I told my family. (I never told them)
Many years ago and we are back in contact, he doesn’t live in Britain but wants to come over to see me.
He knows so much about me, I am so comfortable with him, we talk about everything and nothing, I know about his life, all his family, we talk about warts and all lol (a saying here, meaning everything lol) we share pics of our families, he is a wonderful man. Shared family photographs with each other, spoken on the phone and he sends me wonderful gifts.

MAN, that is my problem!
I have asked him so many questions,
“Would you ever hit me?”
“Would you have shout at me?”
“Would I be allowed to go out with family and friends?”
So many more but he is consistent and gives me all the right answers, I feel like I am pushing him away, that is sad and I told him this, I am frightened, he says he loves me but some people did (I was in abusive relationships before marriage)

When he rings, he’s got a voice that makes me melt, he is prepared to spend thousands of pounds to come here, travel the Country together, he knows I live with my elderly Mum and he’s spoken to her many times. She loves him.
He knows all my flaws and I know his, our political affiliation is our only difference lol

Why am I scared?

Thanks for listening xx

[KIP.]

Trust your gut. You’re scared for a reason. It all sounds far too quick for me. We develope good instincts. Listen to them and take it very very slowly. Women’s Aid recommend two years before entering into another relationship. It’s been four for me and I can tell you it truely took that long for me to no longer feel vulnerable. I certainly know I was extremely vulnerable for the first couple of years. If you’ve not long been out of an abusive relationship then I would recommend spending time on your own self healing before entering into any new relationship x

[Dragonfly]

I really think you have to spend time with someone before you can experience love again. I don’t believe that can happen if you don’t really see eachother. To me it’s actions not words that count. Your gut is telling you something so listen to it. I’m not saying you’re doing the wrong thing here, just take it slowly. Watch his actions, does he do as he says?

Just remember there’s no rush and don’t be swept away with words x

[Ayanna]

I cannot have any relationship with a man again.
I am unable to trust any man.
When I talk to man I always find abusive traits in them.

I do not believe what you do is good.
You gave away your secrets. (detail removed by Moderator) The day will come when he uses this knowledge against you.

He sounds too nice.
(detail removed by Moderator)

(detail removed by Moderator)
Sorry that I cannot be positive.
Please, be careful. xx

[Amaguq]

Thank you ladies, yes, I need to trust my instincts, I ignored them for too long.

Take care 🙂 xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Amaguq,

I don’t think you need to completely rule out a relationship ever again, many women escape abusers and later find healthy partners. I had a wonderful, kind, caring and genuine partner several years ago (we split because we were more like just friends, there wasn’t that sexual attraction you want in a romantic relationship) so it is possible.

However I agree with the others in that we need to be extra cautious as survivors of abuse. I do think it’s best not to disclose previous abuse or mental health issues to new men because sadly and cruelly, the abusive ones will store it away to use against us, which is exactly what my ex did. It’s probably best to get to know them slowly over time as a friend, get to know their friends and family too, and reveal more about yourself when they have earnt your trust.

I am not too long out of my abusive relationship to start dating again, and attracted another red flag waver just weeks after leaving who I had to tell to get lost so I clearly attract them at the moment and need to work on building up my self esteem. However in the future I would love another healthy relationship again.

I’m not sure what the answer is here because he doesnt live locally to get to know in person (unfortunately it’s much easier for them to trick us long distance) but just go with your gut whatever you do and listen and act on red flags.

Good luck and let us know if you need any more support with it. xx

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