New relationships and how to choose decent men

[Bluegem]

I had a very dysfunctional childhood with a mother who was very cruel both physically and emotionally. I grew up afraid of her and in my adult life I hated her. When she was old and sick I had to do my bit to look after her and needed counselling to get me through this. She died a few months ago yet I can’t feel anything. Counselling has helped me to realise none of it was my fault and that I am important. I am learning to be assertive instead of the timid downtrodden woman I was. All my relationships have been abusive which I believe is a common factor when we are abused as children. It is like our comfort zone, we don’t feel right if a guy treats us with respect. I have been in an ‘almost’ relationship now for (detail removed by moderator) years but he is not good for me I know. Like my ex he never uses my name (which I find demoralizing), he is noncommittal (says he doesn’t like labels), I never get included in anything which involves his family (they don’t know about me), I never know when I am going to see him again (he texts me when he is at a loose end), the list goes on. We live in a small town and people say what a lovely man he is which makes me feel as if it’s my fault the relationship doesn’t work. Even though he has no interest in being exclusive (once someone asked us if we are an item and he said “oh no just friends”) he gets incredibly angry if I mention that I have been on a blind date. I try to explain to him that I need a normal relationship and to know where I stand etc. He uses words cleverly and twists everything I say to make me look in the wrong as if he is the injured party. As I write this I realise he is probably acting in an emotionally abusive manner yet it never occured to me before. I have tried to break off with him so many times but can’t find the strength to go no contact yet deep down I know this is the only way I can move on and have the chance to find happiness with a good man (I am told they are out there). I have tried online dating during times when we have broken up but always end up comparing the guys to him as physically the chemistry is so there and this is what makes it so very hard to let go. It’s like my head tells me one thing (he is never going to make me happy) yet my heart tells me another. I am a lot better than I was a year ago (thanks to counselling), I don’t jump every time he texts me now and I have boundaries like we can be friends but I never offer to cook him a meal or let him stay. But I can’t seem to totally break free of him. We have gone weeks without contact and I think finally he’s out of my life, but then he will text about something and it starts all over again. I would be interested to hear how others who have a history of abusive relationships finally break free from the repetitive pattern and find happiness with decent guys. I am very aware now of what’s happening unlike in the past when I missed all the red flags, it’s just so hard to change. Thanks for reading x

[fizzylem]

Hey, you sound very insightful, very clear about the type of relationship this man is offering and where the pattern originated.

I haven’t lost my mum – yet – but it’s starting to look like she won’t be independant for too much longer. I will do my bit, like you did, although I am moving away soon, so what I do will be limited; I don’t feel any sense of responsibilty towards her at all, I will do what I can when I can because this is the human and compassionate thing to do – but for no other reason. I feel nothing too – and grappled with this and the impact of her parenting in therapy for many years. I wouldnt say this to anyone though, bar my therapist, or those who have had similar relationships with their mum, because folk just dont get it hey, it’s not a social norm. The way I see it is it’s because we simply never emotionally bonded. There is no bond so this is why I feel ‘nothing’.

I have yet to meet someone, I’ve never chosen wisely though, the last one being the worst. I have worked on myself a lot though. I think you’re brave to try again, it would have to feel right every step of the way if I ever do engage romantically again. When in a relationship I know there are compromises, but I think it always needs to feel respectful and that you are cared for, your feelings always considered.

The relationship you have described sounds like it doesn’t feel right for you because he won’t commit and you don’t know where you stand – sadly, this is where it ends for you isn’t it, by continuing you have accepted his terms and this gets you down.

Wishing you strength Bluegem to do what is right for you; if you always do this, what feels right for you, then when you do meet someone, if you do, then you have a real chance at a successful relationship. While you settle for what you’ve got this only prevents you from getting there hey. I also believe I dont need a man to feel forfilled, that he would only enhance life if he came along, if you are content in life and have the life you want, you are less likely to settle because you want to protect what you have – meaning he can only be right for you.

Look around, you are not alone, so many (too many) people settle because they think this is easier, in some ways it is, if he can provide, but do they love each other, is the relationship meaningful, is there intimacy, passion and committment – are they happy together? Not many of these around is there, to me it’s almost like ticking this box is more important than finding the right person sometimes isn’t it. Those relationships we aspire to have for me have love, respect and devotion – this is what I will settle for – anything else – nope, but it means being brave, it means recognising this is not the one and walking on when you see it; and if that means I live alone then that is also just fine for me as well. I don’t think I’m a romantic fool believing this, I think it’s more that I’m a realist and place being true to myself above anything else x

[diymum@1]

i think what it boils down to is there upbringing, what they had to deal with in life and if they have a sense of entitlement or not. today i went to the swimming pool with my daughter and i saw a family there. the dad couldnt walk he couldnt weight bare – (detail removed by moderator) – they all looked so happy together and he looked delighted to be just’there’ with his family. i watched as they lowered him into the pool his wife took his weight and had her arms around him. he got into the water and was able to be a real part of the family. i thought to myself were theres a real man. did it maybe take something very drastic to make him appreciate just that family? i wonder xxxx just though is share that because i was really touched by that scene. i do believe that there is someone out there for every one its just finding them xxxx

[Bluegem]

Thank you Fizylem and diymum for your replies. I was touched by the story of the man in the swimming pool, thanks for sharing that. Fizylem, you are quite right when you say that as long as I continue with this relationship (or this ‘almost relationship’ as I refer to it) then I am accepting his terms. I am working hard on it though, like today I texted him and asked him (detail removed by moderator). I decided the time and place and felt like I was in control. I can handle being mates but have no intention of getting back on the merry-go-round of the almost relationship that never goes anywhere. I have a list of bullet points pinned to my kitchen cupboard reminding myself that I deserve to be number 1 and that being almost exclusive is not being exclusive etc. I read these every day. He must realise that I have changed a lot from the old me who was forever getting upset because he hadn’t been in touch or shoved me back in the closet because his family were coming. Now I fill my time with other things and don’t always make myself available. He always used to make me feel like his life is so busy and I was honored to have his time, now my life is busy. It takes a lot of work but small steps forward. You are right also Fizylem about how many women settle because it is easier than being alone. I know one very well, she is not at all happy. He has provided her with a nice house and holidays abroad but she is so very depressed because she knows that if she left him she leaves her comfortable life. I rent a one bedroomed (detail removed by moderator) and money is tight but I am happier than I have ever been in any of my three marriages. I just need to stay strong and assertive with this currant guy, keep being in control and hopefully find the strength to go no contact or let him gradually disappear from my life as he may well do now he is finding a new me (someone he can’t always call the shots with). It is not easy. One other thing, Fizylem, we can only feel love towards our parents if they gave it to us, we do not owe them anything. Like you I did what I did out of duty. My mother knew I didn’t want to be with her when she was old and sick but I don’t feel guilty about that. Some women never earn the title ‘mum’. You reap what you sow I always say. xx

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