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    • #7323
      Clare
      Participant

      Does anyone have any tips for when u start dating again? How to not let ur abuser still effect ur life after he’s gone?

    • #7369
      Winterblues2
      Participant

      I am in a new relationship with a man who I knew before we split m. I find that explaining how the effects of avuse impact me helps him to understand me. I also show him articles on trauma bonding etc so that he gets it. Take things at your own pace, be as honest as you are comfortable with and if he’s worth it he will understand.

      I’ve just asked him what he would advise from his perspective and he’s reiterated what I’ve said about being honest and explaining feelings etc. He said that it’s not always nice to hear but helps him to understand x

    • #7478
      Clare
      Participant

      Thank you. This helps, I have only just started seeing someone but have been friends with him for a while. Years. So he knows quite a bit about him already. He seems very understanding and such a lovely person I actually cried coz I never thought I’d be treated nicely after my abuser. Thanks again.

    • #7498
      Confused123
      Participant

      Hi Hun

      I’ve just joined dating agency after been out a year,I’m personally not telling no one I was abused as they take advzntage and just want to get in your knickers , it’s difficult I suppose if they knew u from b4, just take things slowly , I’m finding I’m still scared so maybe I’m
      Not ready , finally getting response from guys I like but I feel so afraid , this one guy is already on the list to be block ,chatted nicely with me , flirted and was ok but soon as I
      Hinted we were just going to stay friends went in mood cause was convinced could get more which to I said no , didn’t like so said doesn’t want to
      Chat … Threw me bit of guard ,

    • #7500
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      abusers will certainly use previous abuse (and the things that scared/hurt the most) to use against you, knowing they worked before, decent blokes won’t.

      I’m with you Confused staying away. There’s no appeal anymore, let alone the lack of trust, and fear of men full-stop. Although i worked so hard for it to work in our relationship its only since being long time out of it that i see it all and realise the dangers of getting involved with strangers.

      relationships can be such dangerous things, and i’m not trained to know one from the other (if i were to ever feel anything but aversion to having one!)

    • #7509
      Tinydancer80
      Participant

      I have found being honest is the best policy but only when you feel comfortable enough in the new relationship to do so.
      I found Claire’s law is a helpful tool to check someone out.
      I have been in a new relationship for a few months now. He is very understanding and completely different to my abuser. I was very wary of getting close to someone new and if there was even the slightest hint of control I would walk away.
      I met my new partner on a dating website but I take things very slow with him and have done from the start. Your past experiences will always have an impact on any new relationship but if he is worth keeping in your life then he will understand. Xx

    • #7517
      Confused123
      Participant

      Well if karma or tiny dancer or anyone actually can give me any tips on how to handle these men please do, i think ive forgotten how to chat to men, they say im funny and they like chatting with me then they just want to jump straight into bed with me

    • #7546
      Tinydancer80
      Participant

      If only I knew the answers……just take it as a compliment, smile sweetly and say no thank you๐Ÿ˜„
      Keep them at arms length until your ready to become intimate with someone, you can even tell them from the start that you want to take things slow and if they’re still trying to jump into bed with you then I’d say they’re not worth wasting your time with.
      Always be careful of the ones who want to move too fast, they’re the ones with a hidden agenda.
      Good luck with it all, sorry I can’t be any help.๐Ÿ˜

    • #7548
      flowerreadytobloom
      Participant

      I WA just going to start a thread on this. I’m separated so and have a date with a new man coming up. It’s only natural a man will ask why I left my husband. I have no idea how to deal with this question without lying or making myself sound like a bad person for leaving or leaving myself vulnerable to another a abusive relationship. Please help ladies

    • #7553
      Tinydancer80
      Participant

      To begin with you don’t have to divulge any information that you are not comfortable with. You can tell him things didn’t work out between you and your husband. Don’t tell him anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and don’t say anything that will make you vulnerable.
      He should show you enough respect to not force the subject if you don’t want to discuss it straight away. You could always just say it’s complicated and then change the subject.
      If however he makes you feel like you want to talk about it with him the do that. Sometimes it’s good to get it off your chest to a stranger. Either way the decision is about what ever you feel comfortable with.
      Personally I have never hidden my experience. I don’t feel that I should be ashamed of it and I’ve always found it gives me a good idea about what kind of person I’m on a date with by the response I get.
      Good luck with your date, enjoy it. Xx

    • #7728
      Clare
      Participant

      Thanks ladies for all your feedback ๐Ÿ™‚
      For me I know most of his previous partners and am friends with one of his friends from school. She knows about my abuse as well. He is really gentle and nice. Never been in a fight and in no way controlling. Still cautious but think I’ll be OK. Don’t trust my judgement as much as I used to. Take things slow ๐Ÿ™‚
      Good luck ladies with getting back out there ๐Ÿ™‚

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