New (sort of), nervous and unsure

[topsy-turvy]

Hi,
I’m kind of new, I posted once or twice quite a long time ago on the old forum. I don’t want to bore you with too many details but was wondering if anybody can help me make some sense of some of the things that are going on?
Physical abuse was never very frequent, but some years ago the police got involved following one incident and ever since then I’ve never been very badly hurt, but smaller things seem to keep happening to me. Things like pushing past me hard enough to unbalance me but not hard enough to make me fall, trapping my leg, running a knife along the back of my clothing, throwing things in my general direction which sometimes hit me or sometimes come flying close past me, pushing things he’s got hold of into my stomach, standing on my foot, banging into me when getting into bed, whipping me. These are just some of the things that happen. Some of these things have been done when he’s in a bad mood, some of them he’s been in a good mood and when things have been done in jest I’ve not known if he’s just messing around and not being abusive at those times.
Then there’s a lot of other things which keep happening that I really don’t know are abusive or if I’m making too much out of them.
Some of these things are –
Sharpening knives pretty much every day
Getting drunk, waving a large kitchen knife around in the air then banging it on the back of a chair. When I had asked him to stop he didn’t straight away but when he eventually did, he put the knife in his trouser pocket and said I was too paranoid about these things and he’d beat me to death with something instead.
When holding a knife sharpener, said as I was walking past that he could only club me to death with it, not stab me.
When cutting into some ice, asked me which film it was when somebody got murdered with an ice pick.
After yelling at me, watched a video which described methods of torture
Occasionally points a sharp knife at me, always seems to be in a good mood when he does this.
I never seem to be able to do anything properly – there’s always some criticism of something
Glares at me if I make a mistake
Makes out that he can’t do something on his own and needs me to help him with it. If I do help, it becomes my job so he doesn’t do any of it.
Leaves a mess, never tidies up after himself, but criticises the state of the house
Whatever I cook, it’s rarely what he wanted. Even if he’s happy with what he’s eating, there’ll be something not quite right with it.
doesn’t stop me from seeing friends or family, but doesn’t like me doing it and can sulk when I get home.
Can mess up rooms to a point where it looks like we’ve been burgled. Doesn’t tidy any of it up. If I get upset or frightened, says that’s nothing and he really can trash the house if I want him to.
Says I wouldn’t like him when he’s angry
Tells me he’ll do things but doesn’t do them.
there are many more things that go on but I wanted to keep this as short as possible for you. I’ve been in touch with professionals in my local area but for some reason at present I don’t feel I’m being listened to properly by them. I get the impression that they feel that while things were once very abusive, they’re not so much now and they don’t seem to be able to offer much help, and I feel so alone, confused and unsure.
I’m sorry if what’s happening to me isn’t abusive and I shouldn’t be on here but I kind of don’t know which way to turn and would welcome any advice as to if any of this is still abuse or if it isn’t. I just know I don’t feel right about things.
Thank you,
Love to you all xx

[Anonymous]

Hi TopsyTurvy,

Welcome to the forum, you have nothing to be unsure or nervous about. What you are describing in your post is very familiar and up until last year I never considered it abuse, why? well because things said in jest whether they frighten or not are meant in jest.. right? I was wrong and it was not until someone pointed out to me that actually what he says in jest or insinuates actually scares me and I have learnt to live a certain way to alleviate some of that fear.

Everything you have said in your post I recognise and it set alarm bells off, I am not the best person to advise you because I struggle with all of this myself but I do know that the people at womens aid on the helpline can and will help you, if nothing else to understand that what you are experiencing is in fact abuse. The other thing I found useful is talking to my local police, you say you have not had a great experience in the past and you feel you are not being taken seriously. Where we live there are neighbourhood teams attached and there is usually a designated officer. I think this is pretty standard across the UK. See if you can approach them , they were my first port of call for help and I was very fortunate at the response I got from them. Responders when you are calling because of an incident are there to give immediate help the local teams can and do help on a more personal level in my experience.

What you are experiencing is very real and so very similar to my own situation and if makes you feel like it does me then you could do with some help to work your way through it. xx

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Topsy,

I almost cried when I read your post, it frightened me to death & I have never had any of that stuff. It is all 100% abuse, please get out quick.XXXXX

[Snowflakes]

Hi
I’d reiterate the advice about ringing the helpline. They are really good at helping you to sort through these issues.
I’m new here two but have read a couple of books now which have been really helpful and what u r describing sounds like abuse too me. It’s it’s emotional abuse as he’s threatening you and saying stuff on purpose to scare you. Have you read a book called “why does he do that?” It’s really helpful.
Lots of hugs x

[lover of no contact]

Hi topsy-turvy,

Welcome to the Forum. I am glad you didn’t give up when you reached out for help already and they are not taking it seriously. That is very serious abuse you describe where he is purposely putting you in fear (using weapon eg knife). Our abusers instil fear into us to control us and to keep us trapped in an abusive relationship with them.

I agree read the book by Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do that’. Also google ‘The Power and Control Wheel’. Google ‘The cycle of abuse’. You are living in this cycle at the moment and the only one who can end this cycle is you. He has no desire to end this cycle. He likes it the way it is with you fearful and upset by him with your mind and emotions in a mess.

Also keep reading the other ladies posts on here and post regularly yourself, how his behaviour is affecting you. You are not alone. We are here for you. I was where you are now and I got free…eventually. Leaving an abusive relationship is a process. You have taken the first step by coming on here.

[godschild]

Hi, it sounds like he has changed tactics as the police were involved with the physical he is now abusing you in other ways to scare you and keep you under his control, the things he is saying and doing are abuse and not normal.
Have you tried womens aid they can advise you. x

[topsy-turvy]

Thank you so much for all your replies, I was feeling really nervous in case it wasn’t abuse but I know I did the right thing posting now. I haven’t got long but wanted to say that I’ll phone the helpline for advice and I’ll post again when I can.
Love to everyone xx

[Falling Skys]

Hi TT

Anything that makes you feel vulnerable, threatened, worthless is abuse.

My cooking was c**p in his eyes, it got so bad I wasn’t allowed to cook for over a decade this undermines your confidence.

He was always standing on my toes by mistake, but only when he had steel toe caps on and never anyone else..

So pleased that you are going to make the call, not easy but a hell of a relief to know its not in your head.

FS xx

[Lisa]

Hi Topsy,

Welcome back to the forum. I am so pleased to see that you have had some supportive replies. Your situation sounds very abusive. Please do phone the helpline as soon as you are safe to do so. They will not judge you or tell you what to do but they can help you to understand your situation and hopefully to start seeing a future free from abuse.

We are all here for you.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Serenity]

Hi There,

I agree with Godschild: he’s changed his tactics and become more covert/ using psychological abuse. My ex used to say things that scared me, and if I reacted said he was only joking, but the fact to that those thoughts were even there in the first place is scary.

He sounds like my ex- his big thing is to try to rule you by fear. Fear was my ex’s big weapon, too. And mental abuse was his forte.

My ex was more physical when we lived far from people I knew. When we moved nearer family and friends, his tactics became more covert.

Your partner may have become less physical, But the abusive thoughts are still in his head. The violence of his thoughts and content of his jibes are worrying.

Mental and covert abuse is hard to prove and hard to qualify. You might not get the outright support as you would if it were physical. That’s what is so unfair. But going to the right people for validation will strengthen you not to doubt the abuse and I pray that you will find a way to get away from this man.

[topsy-turvy]

Thank you again for all your supportive replies I’m sorry I haven’t been able to post till now. I wish I could find the courage to ring the helpline but have felt so let down by agencies who I thought might be able to help lately that I’m really frightened of getting another knock back. I haven’t got long but will try to post again soon x*x

[lover of no contact]

Welcome back topsy-turvy, keep trying to speak to someone from Women’s Aid and get hold of the books if you can ‘Why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft and’ Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven’. I too have had emotionally painful experiences with agencies and people who have no real awareness around domestic abuse. But you’ve found this Forum now. And W.A. understand the mindset of an abuser as does Lundy Bancroft. Another good book by an author Stephen Mc Crea. is ‘Jerk Radar’. He too understands the mindset of an abuser. These people and supports are precious and life=-saving. Abusers are cunning, baffling and powerful. But knowledge is Power. And we are strong (to have survived the abuse so far) and abusers/bullies are actually cowards who pick on vulnerable people (women and children/handicapped/old people).

[topsy-turvy]

Thank you lover of no contact and Snowflakes, I’ve downloaded the books you’ve told me about. I am really glad that I’ve posted on this forum because it helps to know that people care and when I get the chance I’ll reply to everyone properly and share more of my story. Lots of love x*x

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