New to here….

[Anonymous]

Dear all, I’m new to your site and I’m looking for support. It’s been (detail removed by moderator)y since I was badly abused.( black eyes, broken arm , bruises all over and suffocated). My ex is in court later this year for ABH. He’s putting me through it despite the evidence to show what he’s done. What I want to know is, my ex partners family have turned against me! They have never asked how I am, his fault children have cut me off despite me raising one of them from a young age, she’s now mid 20’s and as he’s bailed to have no contact with me, he’s left all the finances in a mess. I’m working extra to pay his share. My family are very supportive, but I’m feeling very alone as my step children won’t talk to me.
I’m working on myself, eg counselling and the Freedom Project, good friends etc but I’m crying my eyes out and feeling sorry for him (he’s an alcoholic and I didn’t know just how bad until after he was arrested) then I’m angry at him for the trouble he’s caused me. Is this normal? As the evidence is overwhelming against him, he’s refusing to plead guilty and dragging me through a trial. (detail removed by moderator) He’s a criminal! I feel he’s controlling me by doing this and by telling his family I’m the one who abused him! I loved him so much in the past and I did everything I could for him and our children. I couldn’t take his abuse anymore and he overheard me planning to leave him. I think that’s why he lost his temper because I was leaving. I’m ‘all over the place’ emotionally but after a year, surely I should be stronger by now? I’m dreading court although the police have said I’ll be ok it’s him who has to worry, and the police have been fantastic to me. But I’m scared of seeing him again in case I get upset. I’m crying one minute and angry the next because I’ve lost my blended family who I worked so hard for over (detail removed by moderator)years. He’s destroyed our life and I’m grieving the loss. Will I ever feel better? Will I get over this? I’m heartbroken and yet scared of giving evidence against him, but he deserves it for what he’s done to me. Is it normal to feel like this and will it stop after court? Sorry this is long. Any advice would be appreciated. He’s looking at ABH and prison, but I’m feeling guilty! How mad is that? 😔

[lover of no contact]

What you’re feeling is totally normal. We can identify. You’ve come to the right place for support. Welcome. You will start to feel stronger by reading the posts on here and posting. Its good you’re getting other support too.

My ex’s family did the same after (detail removed by moderator)decades of marriage and I had got on very well with them and they know what he is like. I guess families just close ranks. Its very painful though, but in my case it was better in the long run for me as the less indirect contact (his family) with my abuser the better, Nevertheless I too found it very hurtful, painful and I was quite shocked at their behaviour. I too had to grieve the loss of my ex’s family (including my nieces and nephews which was hard).

You will feel better, you will get over him and you will get the strength to go through the court process (many of the ladies on here are going through the same and their abusers too are stalling, classic abuser pattern of behaviour). They all do the same. You will get to know their patterns and behaviours and will see they are all the same, thus your fear of him will lessen.

They are cowards underneath their arrogance, grandiosity and bravado. They get their high from hurting women, children, the elderly, animals. Anyone vulnerable and physically less stronger than them. How brave is that!! They are pathetic really.

[Anonymous]

Dear LONC, thank you for your reply. I can’t sleep and I’m anxious. My GP has increased my anti depressants for the third time. (detail removed by moderator) But the police where I live (where he once lived) (detail removed by moderator) have been great and see his abusive nature for what it is. I’m terrified of being a witness. I’m not bothered about having a screen etc, I’m scared of the cross examination person being horrible to me. My ex blamed me for his drinking, his temper, he controlled me all the time. He rang work to check I wasn’t having sex with my male colleagues! W*F?? He took me to work in the car, collected me after work. I wasn’t allowed to see friends either. But since his arrest I now have a life. I’ve bought clothes (he used to spend all my salary on himself) as I had none, I’ve got make up, , perfume and I can get my hair cut and coloured again. Before his arrest I had nothing. I’m happier but I’ve lost my confidence and I paid off his debts so I have a massive mortgage as he spent his retirement lump sum and didn’t pay me back as he promised. He’s even got his son to write a statement yo say our living together was volatile! Yes we argued but it because of his abuse and alcoholism. If I told him the truth, ( I’d video his behaviour and I’d tape his abusive conversations and play them back to him when he’d sober up), he’d get angry, smash up my things, rip my clothes up and bruise me. The woman at work saw my bruises.(detail removed by moderator) He told his friends too. They have sided with him despite saying they were my friends too and they didn’t want yo be involved. Well, they’ve chosen now and are being character witnesses for him. I’ve been told he’s desperate hence the witnesses and his sons statement. I know he’s not got anything to say against me as he battered me and suffocated me. I am terrified he will go to prison and come out to finish me off as he will be so angry. As I said I’m all over the place, scared, crying, angry, terrified, sad, grieving….. It’s all there like a tidal wave hitting me when I least expect it…😢

[Serenity]

I think the most bitter pill to swallow is that these abusers can treat us so inhumanely, and yet deny it to themselves and others. They can go to great lengths twisting things and concocting lies to protect their precious image- because this is all they’ve got. They know deep down underneath how rotten they are. The most twisted of them even enjoy it, looking down on people who try to do good.

I sense that you feel great compassion for his alcoholism, but it might help to remind yourself that one of the ways that abusers hook us is to make us feel sorry for them, or guilty, or obligated into helping them, rescuing them, etc. But these abusers need to take responsibility for themselves, or else they will always try to excuse their mistreatment of others.

His family are in denial, either because he is hoodwinking and manipulating them with his lies, or they are too weak to face the truth. But that doesn’t make the truth any less the truth.

There are a number of ladies here who have been through the painful scenario of raising a step-child then being rejected. KIP is one of these ladies. Be proud of all you did: what is happening now won’t ever undo all that you did. Hold firm and strong.

KIP’s ex was in the same profession as your ex, too. In terms of your fears about what he might do if he comes out of prison, you need to talk about these fears with those expertly qualified, to make you feel safe. Can you tell your DV workers who run the Pattern Changing course? Much can be done to help you feel safe.

I promise you that it gets better. It’s an arduous road to healing, but(detail removed by moderator) years out, and I am so much better than I was, and you will be to.

Keep reaching out xx

[KIP.]

Hi Princess, I’ve personal messaged you as the forum is open to the public so the moderator will remove details for our own safety.
Top right of the page under where it says. How are you?

[Ayanna]

Congratulations on getting out and reporting him to the police.
He does exactly what all abusers do. He is highly manipulative.
Do not feel guilty.
None of whatever he did is your fault.

The court hearing will be hard. Prepare yourself well and smash him to the ground. You know what you have been through. When his defence lawyer asks stupid questions do not let this bring you out of your balance. It is their job.
You can also write a victim impact statement and give it to the prosecutor.

Before the trial, ask the prosecutor whether you can have a life long restraining order against him. This means he is not allowed to contact you after prison.

You are doing so well.
Hang in there!
The first months are always a disaster, but things get better with time.

[Lisa]

Hi Princess,

Welcome to the forum! I am so pleased that you have found the forum and have had some good support. Your ex sounds like a very dangerous man and abusive man (made all the more frightening due to his profession which I have edited to help keep you safe on an open forum). You sound like a really strong lady and I hope you are proud of how far you have come.

I just wanted to let you know that how you are feeling is very normal, abuse is very confusing and it is hard to shake off the feelings of guilt that are central to any abusive relationship. I am pleased that family and professionals are being helpful but please do know that you can phone the helpline any time you want to talk, they can offer you lots of support and advice, as can your local Women’s Aid group.

We are all here for you so please keep posting to let us know how you are getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Millionpieces]

Hi Princess,
You took hardest step to walk out from your abuser, congratulations. I had similar story with my ex, his family and friend all against me despite he saw when he beat me. In the begining was so hard for me, had counselling and found this site which get me in my stage now, living my life I never imagine before. I post a lot last time, I was depressed when facing the court, I listen and practice my counsellor advice and all the beautiful ladies in this site. I enjoy all the pain, sadness, anger I go through bad times, in suicide stage but I refused to take antidepressants bcoz I told my self I will face this, I cried my self to sleep every night, missed my ex, wanted him to make me better but I know I won’t get it from him. I went no contact, he was Bailed and not allowed to contact me but I learnt from this site I go no contact bcoz I wanted, that’s includes his family, and his friends I cut off. I won’t denied I was so hard but it’s lessen everyday. And every day I told my self to hold on for one more day, i did it every single day, I live a day at the times.
I was nerves in court it was nightmare to be there but once again I told my self I wanted to face it. I don’t even require screening. On the day I dress my self on my best appearance stood there and through it. I was devastating he denied he beat me and come to the worst his friend who witness the beating stood up for him said that it didn’t happen it shattered my soul but I stood there and told the truth and he found guilty. After that my life was so empty, I am little bit disappointed as I expect I feel better than that, but again I wanted to enjoy it. I realise now that that emptiness slowly fill with new life, new chapter. Of course I still miss him, I still care about him but I reaslise I had enough loving him, care for him and I get nothing in return but abused. And I love my self enough to not let that happen again.
I wanted to tell you I understand how you feel right now but there is brighter future for you, there’s much better world out from your abuser.

Hugs
MP

[Anonymous]

Dear All,
Thank you for your wonderful and encouraging messages of support.
Yes it’s a difficult time and the court issue is for me is going to be the hardest. My ex also has a ‘character witness’. But nont one of his friends from his work is testifying! I found out from the police the police that his friend who is a convicted paedophile and has had 2 jail sentences ( the last a couple of years ago for photographs of girls aged 10 – 13).
I couldn’t believe what I was being told. With his (now retired) ex-job? What the hell??
Despite this he will go through with his day in court and I know it’s to frighten me.
Since this happened almost (detail removed by moderator) months ago now, I have used this time to develop and build myself up. In fact, I went on a date (just a meal and drinks for 3hrs) with a normal man. I was aware of the lessons learned in the Freedom Project book and I this time I was listening for the words /sentences they use but non of this has arisen so far in talking on the phone texts and this one meeting. I did this mainly to help me. I was ‘testing the water’ so to speak, so I could feel comfortable around a normal man. My family member who is a detective in the police also helped me and I did the usual calls and texts to be safe.
I came away happy for doing this, but sad that I have court to face. But I have learned that court will be the main closure on this relationship and in part, my feeling sorry for him is about being in limbo.
You have all given me comfort from your replies and I thank you for your support from the bottom of my heart. Xx

[Author]

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