New to the forum

[Brokenwings]

I don’t know even where to begin? Today is the (Detail removed by moderator) day since I ended my relationship with my abusive partner. Being so hurt and shaken lucky I found this website. It was unreal to see that I could relate to nearly every woman on here. I listen to the most important advice and I’m trying to keep contact to minimum. It’s not possible to cut contact completely because he has all his belongings still at my house. I told him I’ll only reply to messages related to him coming to pick up his things. He came (Detail removed by moderator) and I was out when he collected some of his staff. Everything was fine, he didn’t destroy anything or took any of my things as he still hopes I’ll forgive him and we get back. All I found was a letter saying how much he loves me and how sorry he is for treating me so badly. He promised it will never happen again etc. But at the very end he said; (Detail removed by moderator). As usual there must be a reason that is my fault behind his behaviour. There was also my engagement ring ( we got engaged (Detail removed by moderator) ago)the ring he nearly ripped together with my skin when he stormed out (Detail removed by moderator) days ago. It wasn’t the first time he took the ring back, as I was not good enough to be his wife sometimes. I haven spoke to him really for the last (Detail removed by moderator) days and asked him to move out as he was living in my house ( I feel so lucky to have my own place, it must be so hard if you have nowhere to go). Because I didn’t replayed to his messages or phone calls he got his friend to message me. And (Detail removed by moderator) I had a message from his friend saying that my ex partner is in the hospital! I asked what happened. He is depressed and he tried to end his life. I know that he is doing this only to get me back, and this is his last form of manipulation, he had done the same with his last partner. Oh how stupid I feel now, he told me how horrible she was, how badly she treated him and I believed him. He said she took their daughter and moved to other country to hurt him, so he was so desperate and he cut his vain. And I believed in every single word. Now I know, she did her best to stay away from him. We don’t have children together ( oh I’m so glad). But now I’m really worried because I know worst is still ahead of me!! Now he is playing nice because he is trying to win me but I don’t know what to expect when he will realise that I won’t be coming back?! He has few criminal records!! Again everything he told me, was someone’s else fault, he could play me so well. He can be very dangerous as I found out for myself after so many times he spat at my face, threw drinks on me, ripped my clothes, pulled my hair, strangled me, pushed, shouted into my face and worst took a knife while in the rage, I was so scared I had to run out on the street to stay safe. And yes, I feel like an idiot,how could I not see warning signs? How could I tolerate this for such a long time. I’m very educated, independent person but yet I let him to use me and treat me so badly. It’s so easy to say to someone else, oh he hit you, you must leave him! But when it happens to you, it’s completely different story. I love this forum, it opened my eyes, I don’t feel ashamed and alone, I told my best friend what is going on yesterday. Whenever I feel weak or I feel sorry for him, I read somethings here. I’m worried and don’t know what to expect, I know he will make my life living hell, sorry it’s long but I needed to get it out

[freedomtochoose]

Just wanted to say hello and welcome to the forum. Keep posting on here. We can all help each other.
all best
ftc
x

[Brokenwings]

Thank you freedomtochoose. It means a lot to me. Talking to other women helps me to see it through and makes me stronger. I feel like everyone here understands exactly what I have been through and what I’m still against. I talked to my best friend about my situation and yes she was shocked and disgust with his behaviour and very supportive but deep inside I felt she couldn’t really relate and understand how I feel. You have to go through abusive relationship to see the depth of it and the damage it has on us. Thank you for your message. Just a quick update, he is feeling better today, his friend texted me and of course my ex partner managed to text me as well saying he loves me. I need to stay strong and this time never go back. It’s strange how with every day passing I forget why this is all over and I’m less and less angry with him. Every time I feel like I miss him, the good him, or even when it subconsciously crosses my mind that I should give him another chance, I come here and remind myself not to. Hope you are doing ok? Thank you for your kind and supportive words xx

[Anabela]

Hello and welcome to the forum. It was a life saver to me too. I can so relate to your post: abuse, suicide threats or fake attempts, talking through other people etc. Stay strong. As i know it is hard this period after leaving especially if he is being nice. But i am proud of you for ending the relationship. And whenever you feel sad or missing him rely on this forum. If not for women i met here i am sure i would have been back to him.

[Brokenwings]

Hello anabela. Thank you for your kind and supportive words. I’m sorry to hear that you had to go through an abusive relationship yourself but I’m happy and proud of you, you ended it and never went back. Yes, this forum is the only place where I can say everything and I know I will be listened and understood because we all experienced some kind of abuse by our loved ones. I told my best friend few things but I couldn’t really say everything, I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed deep inside, I question myself, how did I let this happen for such a long time, some things he did to me were life threatening, why did I not leave after the first time he punched the wall? I feel ashamed for allowing him to do this to me and for not doing anything and this is what I need to remember ever time I feel weak. Just a quick update; he texted me today saying he loves me, I didn’t open his message, I could see part of it on my screen and when I got back from work, I found a bunch of flowers and a card. I’m going to bin it, I have to. So after his suicide attempt he feels well enough to text me and send me flowers,he also has enough money to do so but he was begging me to let him stay at my place for two weeks till one of his tenants move out(he rents out his house) because he couldn’t afford b&b. Lucky I can see through him now, it was building up inside me for a very long time, I knew I have to leave him, I knew I have no future with him and finally it happened. Now, I just have to stay strong and don’t let him to hoover me back in. I miss the good him but I know the good him is only a mask, the real him is a monster. He will not give up easily, he was always joking that if I leave him, he will kill me, that he will never let me go as he can’t stand the idea of me being with someone else. I just wonder when to expect first abuse again, how long he can stay nice? Was your ex partner bothering you for a long time? I know he is capable of horrible things, time will show. Thank you for listening, you are here like a little guardian angels helping each other.

[Anabela]

This hoovering really messes with your head. It took me a few times to leave for good. Even when he assaulted me when i thought he might kill me i still went back. And main reason i did that because i freaked out he either killed himself or might do that. (Detail removed by moderator) maybe i would have got back to him for good. I dont know. Period before (Detail removed by moderator) was the worst because he played his suicide card very well to the point i thought he did die. But when i changed every possible contact he knew then i started to feel better. I still miss him sometimes but i feel free. And hopeful about my life.
Well done for being determined. Bin the flowers, dont read his texts. Delete them. And i hope you will be able to go total no contact soon.thats the key thing to move on.

[freedomtochoose]

THanks Brokenwings.
I appreciated this message today. There were times in the midst (Detail removed by moderator) when I had to phone a friend and ask them to remind me of how awful my ex was (and is
because I went into that ‘isn’t he a poor sod mode’.
They reminded me and I snapped out of it.
But it is a very weird and disturbing realisation that one has had that conditioning to think they are ok people.
all best
ftc
x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Brokenwings, welcome to the forum 🙂 May your wings soon heal and you can fly again after your terrible ordeal. I was really glad to read how you can now see through the manipulation, I think that is one of the hardest parts of the battle as these men are so convincing and know exactly how to play us. Stay strong, keep going and keep posting for support.

[Brokenwings]

Hello sunshinerainflower, thank you for your message, it really helps to talk to someone, especially someone who understands it so well and is there to offer support. Yes, they are masters at manipulating, everything they do, has some reason behind it. I met my boyfriend on dating website. He messaged me once, I didn’t reply, but then few days later he messaged me again, it was a lovely message that grabbed my attention. We started to message each other, he was messaging constantly, I thought that was normal and didn’t take any notice of it, it also felt good to be wanted and important to someone. Soon he started to talk over the phone, we spent hours on the phone, sometimes even three hours! Oh, it felt so good, we had so much in common, he was funny and charming always saying the right thing. It seemed that he was to perfect to be true, I had that gut feeling about him, that’s why I cancelled our first date but then he managed to persuade me to met him. One thing I remember, during one of our first phone conversations, I asked if he smokes cigarettes, he hasitated first and then said he doesn’t. I smoke so, I asked if this will not bother him, then very quickly he said that he smokes sometimes but in reality it turned out he is a smoker. Maybe a little thing but this is how they do it at first, they say and do anything to please us, to make us fall for them. It’s very clever how they do it, it is hard to see when this is happening. Few weeks or months later, we are in love with them, we belong to them. They show constant attention, gifts, trips, lovely evenings together, flowers, you name it, they will do it. Very quick commitment,they are our soulmate, they want build family together, get married and so on. I was so blinded by his charm, attention and love(I thought it was real love) that I didn’t see warning signs, I blanked out small outburst of his anger, I ignored it when he punched the wall for the first time( he didn’t punched me, it was not abuse I thought). And then it all began, every fight it was more name calling, slight push at first and it got worse and worse. But every time he apologised, he said it was because of the drink. And yes, it became a cycle, a cycle of abuse, honeymoon period, build up and explosion again. Every time the same, I ended with him so many times and I always got back, he always managed to twist me around his finger. In the last few minutes, where I typed this message, he tried to call me and I think I received two messages from him. I told him I don’t want to talk to him now, I asked not to contact me, but he has never respected my wishes and he never will

[Chickadee]

Hi Brokenwings.

Just wanted to welcome you. This is a great place with a great bunch of women that “get it.” Thank you for joining us!

I read through your posts, you seem very sweet. Please, just remember, someone even saying their joking about killing you, is not okay. That is not healthy/normal behavior. That is scary.

Chickadee

[BakingQueen]

Hello BrokenWings and welcome.

I just wanted to say that from reading all that you have typed you come across so strong, so determined, so ready to make a change. You are opening up and telling what has happened to you (no more shame and hiding) and that is a great first step.

You have made your choice and you are doing all you are to stick to it so GOOD ON YOU AND WELL DONE! Nothing makes me more happy than seeing woman who have been in that position become the strong powerful beings they ought to be and put their foot down.

Keep going, Keep moving forward.

I would say though, keep those messages, they show a pattern and you could get him done for harassment if he doesn’t ease up so bare that in mind. Message can be used as evidence.

Good luck with it all. x

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