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  • This topic has 5 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 3 weeks ago by KIP..
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    • #115986
      Jorja
      Participant

      Hi,
      I’m new to the forum and looking for some advice/guidance. I left an abusive relationship in (detail removed by moderator) – it was mostly sexually abusive and he was very jealous and possessive. I’m in a very happy and loving relationship now and am in therapy to talk about what happened to me previously. However I am really struggling to find support around a specific aspect of the abusive relationship. Basically in part of our consensual sex we played with BDSM, at the start of the relationship this was fine but he began to disrespect my boundaries, assault, choke and rape me. He made me feel like an object and after leaving the relationship I began to wonder if he ever saw me as a person – and I feel so much shame that we had a kinky relationship, and it makes me sick to think that when we were consensually playing with power he was objectifying me the whole time. I worry that I debased myself. It’s really hard to talk about this with anyone.

      I hope it’s ok to write about this here. I wonder if anyone knows any resources that would help with this, in particular resources that don’t shame kinky/BDSM sexualities but address the complications this can make in abusive relationships.

      Thank you in advance

      Jorja
      xo

    • #115988
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hello and welcome, abuse affects all areas of our lives. Including sex. I was raped too and how I came to terms with it was lumping it with all the other abuse. I also reported the sexual abuse to the police and it empowered me and gave me a certain amount of closure. You simply cannot consent to be choked assaulted and raped. That’s not kinky sex, it’s sexual assault. He sounds extremely dangerous and you can bet when he’s done this to you, he will have done this to other women. Rape crisis and any other organisation or therapist should never shame you for kinky sex. Or any kind of consensual sex between consenting adults. Sex should be given without fear or coercion. I’d start by ringing the rape crisis helpline x please remember you have done nothing wrong here. He is responsible for his own actions x

    • #115992
      Jorja
      Participant

      Thank you so much. This is the first time I’ve said this to anyone, I was worried to go to police because of having had consensual kinky sex. I’m so grateful for you to affirming me and my experience. xo

    • #115995
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey, it’s very brave of you to open up about this. I would have consensual sex with my ex but at times he also raped me. It can be both. The police have sexual victims units who are trained and also rape crisis have advocacy workers who can go with you to the police, support you or even report the abuse on your behalf should you choose to go down this route. Only when you’re ready to open up and talk. Rape crisis have lovely ladies on the helpline who are trained and very compassionate. Power to you 💪💕

    • #116022
      Jorja
      Participant

      Thank you so much, I think about going to the police a lot. I will definitely call Rape Crisis.

      Thank you again, in solidarity <3

      xoxo

    • #116024
      KIP.
      Participant

      Keep in touch and let us know how you get on 💪💕KIP. Knowledge Is Power x

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