This topic contains 6 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Daisy 6 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #71716
     Beelodge 
    Participant

    I left and abusive relationship after (detail removed by moderator) years. I spent years trying to plan an escape and couldn’t do it. Then one day at braking point I was push to the point where I opened the door and ran. At that moment I was scared for my life and had to escape. I have two children that at that moment I had to leave behind.
    I was completely let done by the police and courts. The advice I got from ever solicitor was different and never found anyone that really supported me and fought for me. After (detail removed by moderator) months I gave up trying to see my children as I was completely drained emotionally, financially and mentally.
    It’s now been (detail removed by moderator) years since I’ve seen my children and my heart still breaks for them everyday.
    Can anyone relate?
    How do I ever learn to live without them??

  • #71717
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Absolutely. My son is an adult now and I miss him terribly. My ex has brainwashed him and as usual painted himself as the victim. It’s the terrible sting in the tail of domestic abusers. I ended up giving up trying to divorce my ex because of the mental anguish he was causing me. And my sons behaviour was also triggering me. I think you will find lots and lots of support on this forum. One good piece of advice I was given was to think about being on an aircraft when the oxygen masks come down and you are told to put your own mask on before helping others. You need to get your oxygen mask on first. Get yourself healthy enough through counselling and support from women’s aid. Gather your strength then go back for your kids. Play the long game x

    • #71718
       Beelodge 
      Participant

      Thanks @kip.
      I’m trying to move on, start a new life but there’s part of me missing. If I’m happy I feel guilty. When I go to bed I close my eyes and see them. I wake in the night worrying my youngest is having a nightmare and I’m not there to cuddle him, his dad isn’t effectionate that way.
      They don’t answer my calls or read my texts. I don’t even know where they are living now.
      I just wish I had done things so differently.

  • #71719
     KIP. 
    Participant

    You were traumatised. Our brains don’t work properly when we are traumatised and we do what we have to do to survive. It’s not your fault. Do you qualify for legal aid? Have you spoken to women’s aid? Have you had good counselling? It’s understandable how you feel. The feelings of guilt are terrible but it’s not your guilt to carry. If your ex hadn’t behaved the way he did, you wouldn’t have had to run for your life. There’s such a bond with our children that time and distance won’t break. Just be very kind to yourself. Work on yourself and decide when you’re ready to take things further should you find the strength x

  • #71721
     freedomtochoose 
    Blocked

    Thinking of you.
    Just wanted to mention an organisation I found out about which may be of help.
    It is called MATCH
    and stands for Mothers Apart from their Children
    You may find something helpful if you google it
    all best
    ftc
    x

  • #71734
     lover of no contact 
    Participant

    Welcome Beelodge,

    This is one of the worst pains of DA, the loss of our children to the abuser either emotionally (through brain-washing and alienating them) or physically the loss of them as in your case. My heart goes out to you. It is a heart wrenching pain. I’m so glad you posted on here for support. Keep posting on here and your guilt will lessen. It really wasn’t your fault. You had to save your life. It is better that you are still alive now for your children which you may not have been if you had stayed. You actually didn’t have a choice. Keep posting and contact Women’s Aid for guidance and inspiration on how to proceed from here in finding out the whereabouts of you children.

  • #71742
     Daisy 
    Participant

    Beelodge, welcome from me too,
    Yes, I can empathise too
    It’s horrendous the torturous damage these abusers cause and it’s so hard not to feel forever guilty about the causalties and losses in life along the way and there are always those, being separated from your children is the worst ever.
    Although you will still , please try to put aside any feelings of your guilt, regret etc -we do what we have to do to survive at the time and the decision to leave when and how you did wasn’t your action , it was a reaction to how things were for you at that time. It’s a awful thing to have happened to you, you have suffered enough. I agree too that you need to concentrate on you, and slowly slowly get the help and support to make things right for you and your children.hopefully it,s not a case of learning to live without them, more a case of just living without them for now.
    X x x

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