New to the forum think I am living with emotional abuse

[Edna]

I have been with my partner for (detail removed by moderator) years since the first year he has always shouted at me Not constantly but if I say something he disagrees with he cannot discuss withoutshouting and going into a rage He threatens to leave at least once every 6 weeks. Sometimes he will leave but come back late at night but will carry the silent treatment on for several days. Sometimes he packs his things but doesnt go. Afterwards he says he only wants to leave because he knows he is upsetting me. I try to explain my side but that makes him more angry. He shouts in my face and I can feel the spit. (Detail removed by moderator).  I have been shaky and anxious I apologise for saying domething to upset him. I apologise for doing something wrong. I am scared at the moment of speaking out of turn because his rages are more frequent. He has never used violence but more and more he is throwing things or hitting walls etc I just get on his nerves when I am quiet he gets angry vos he says I am being awkward if I speak he gets angry because I say something he doesnt agree with Why am I scared of losing him? It cant be love being treated this way I never know when he will turn or why. I am lost

[Iwantmeback]

You are where I was 2 decades ago💔 l wish I’d left then but had no idea I was in an abusive relationship. I stupidly thought I was just doing and saying everything wrong, that I was always making him shout at me, that if I tried harder, loved him more everything would work out. Over 2 decades later I’m still here but I know now that I’m in an abusive relationship. I’ve no friends, rarely see my family, though he’s never said I can’t but he either gives me the silent treatment if I do or accuses me of putting them before him, how I always jump when they shout but I’m never there for him. That there’s cycles of abuse. Get as much information as you can, Google trauma bonding ,FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) anything you can to get the knowledge and strength to get as far away from this man as you possibly can.
You are in no way to blame for any of this, you could be MotherTheresa and he’d still find faults with you and what you do😒
He’s making you feel worthless, that he can easily walk away from this relationship, he shows this EVERY time he says he’s leaving, packs to go but doesn’t, or stays out late. There are so many great books out there now mostly available to download as an ebook. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft is excellent as is, living with the dominater by Pat Craven. It’s all about power and control.
You’re on here looking for answers and confirmation I guess. I’m afraid to say your partner is abusing you. The more you learn, the easier it’ll become to notice what he’s doing. It actually is quite funny at times how predictable they all are. Such pathetic little boys.
If you’re getting scared of how his behaviour is changing reach out to WA, they are so good and Will believe you unconditionally. You call the shots every step of the way. It’s a fact finding mission for me, I want as much physical evidence as possible as my oh’s abuse isn’t physical. But he has been in the past, doesn’t need to now, sometimes I wish he would so I’d have something concrete to go to the police with😢
Welcome to the forum, keep posting and reading others posts. It’s amazing how our stories are all so similar. How we become so scared, terrified sometimes of what they might/could do without them never having even done anything sometimes. The fear of what they could do outweighs everything else. It takes courage to face our fears, you have started that today by posting on here. That’s a huge step in the journey away from him because he will never change,NEVER.
IWMB 💕💕

[Edna]

Thank you for your reply and for where I can find advise. A part of me knows the relationship is wrong but a part of me is thinkkng I can fix it if I just keep quiet agree with everything he says try not to mention anything about me it will be OK we are just going through a bad patch but it does appear to be the worse he has ever been I cant get away from his shouting. (Detail removed by moderator) I mentioned something just chatting and that was it pure rage leaning over me shouting so I walked up stairs into the spare room hoping he would calm down and he followed me in leaning over the bed shouting telling me what I am. Its my fault everything is going to pot its me I get on his nerves all the time. I try to justify myself apologise for upsetting him nothing works.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Edna, there’s nothing you can do to change enough that will stop his abuse of you. In his eyes you’re never going to be perfect unless you do this that or whatever it is he deems is wrong today. Be aware that the goal posts change constantly. Not knowing the rules, because there are no rules, he is the only one who is exempt from them.
If you are thinking that you have to change any part of who you are to please this man, that there is a huge sign you are in an abusive relationship 😒 you’re right in saying nothing works. In a normal loving relationship if one walks away to diffuse the situation the other partner respects that. An abuser doesn’t. You’ve slighted him, you’ve hurt him as if you’ve slapped him in the face. He has to win at all costs, that’s why he towers over you, using his stance as intimidation. When you apologise, in his head he’s like, see I knew I was right otherwise why would she be apologising. It’s okay to leave a relationship that makes you unhappy. All that’s going to happen is you’re going to hate him more and more, which he’ll them accuse you of no longer loving him, wanting to be with him, all true, but the longer we stay, put up with this, the harder it becomes to leave. I pray you can leave him. This isn’t love, it never was, it was a good impression of it😢 very Jekyll and Hyde.
Best wishes
IWMB 💕💕

[Lisa]

Dear Edna,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m sorry to read what you’re going through and how you’re feeling. You are explaining emotional abuse and controlling behaviour by your partner. It may help to read the guidance on Coercive control by a group called The Rights of Women. You have also explained very threatening behaviour, him leaning over you and hitting walls etc. It sounds like the situation might be escalating and it could lead to physical violence.

You are not at fault, he has made you feel this way. Abusive men are experts at causing confusion and turning situations around to make you feel to blame. Women then naturally look towards themselves and try to adapt their own behaviour. But doing so will not fix the problem, because it is not your behaviour that is at fault, it’s his. He alone is responsible for it and sadly will not change for the better.

Please consider calling the 24 hour freephone National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a female support worker in confidence, if you feel up to it. They won’t tell you what to do, but can talk through your situation, help to validate how you’re feeling and talk through your options.

Keep Posting, there’s support for you.

Lisa

[EbonyRaven]

Hi Edna, well done for posting. I recognise that behaviour so well. He used to follow me from room to room going on, and on, and on. He’d be raging and snarking, accusing and twisting things, and I was never allowed to step away from it. He’d stand in doorways, filling them, to prevent me leaving the room. I was too scared to try passing him. Also, even in the middle of a rage like that, if I tried to pass him in a doorway he’d attempt to grab me sexually, and that would lead to more anger because I certainly wasn’t ‘in the mood’ by then. A night of nagging, blaming and shaming would then follow.

It doesn’t get better. He used to hide behind alcohol, and a supposed mental health issue (that could have been real or an affectation, I’m not a doctor and he wouldn’t see one). I think he thought that would keep me hooked in trying to help ‘fix’ him, and fix us too.

There was no fixing of anything. No amount of superglue or duct tape can mend an abuser sadly.

You’re not at fault, and your not imagining things. Your experiences are valid, and you matter.

[diymum@1]

Have you ever looked up the push and pull relatiohship? Ive experienced this its going from Intimacy to fear of abandonment. I’m not sure if I’m putting this into words very well it’s a hard feeling to describe. But it makes you feel very insecure and for me I’d say needy. So when everythings going well your in a false sense of a lull and then you sense he’s withdrawing/threatening to leave -I put this down to being a commitment phobe, but looking back it was a tactic of abuse. We all need security and that’s high priory really.

I also remember the grimace, getting right up in my face and spitting literally at me in pure rage. That’s what scared me the most out of everything it’s very disturbing -it’s overt intimidation. I found this then escalated from there. It’s scarey stuff xx

I’m not sure if this helps that we’ve all experienced this its so hard to this over but one thing we can offer is understanding and support xx luv diymum xx 💕

[Laughnomore]

Hi, this is the first time I have posted on here.
I have been in the relationship for (detail removed by moderator) years, since I was (detail removed by moderator), he is all I’ve ever known.
We have 2 children together who are both passed their teenage years but still live at home.
I feel so empty and really don’t know where to start……
I know I am in a domestic abuse relationship, I am really good most of the time of dealing with it, I’ve had so much practice, but some days it gets too much and I don’t know where to turn. I feel trapped, weak and pathetic

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Laughnomore, what an appropriate name, it feels like we’ll never laugh again does it? Feeling empty, numb, those are the feelings in the early days of realising, absolutely accepting our husband’s abuse us. We’ve known for years really that somethings not right, we’ve tried to excuse their behaviour away from how they were brought up to having an illness or anger issues or stress at work, something anything logical. Because choosing to abuse someone you pertain to love, that’s totally illogical, so it must be an outside reason or it’s us? Wrong it’s them 100%.
You are neither weak or pathetic my friend, trapped until we find ways out of this nightmare. Have you spoken to anyone at women’s aid yet. I contacted my local one instead and they were lovely. Just being believed even with the vagueness of trying to explain how I felt, what he did, intimated he’d do, that feeling was one I’ll never forget.
Well done on posting, keep reading others posts, you’ll find encouragement in knowing how similar our stories are even though we’re all strangers. This forum is a safe place to chat, vent, cry, be ourselves and the person we’d like to be.
Take care
IWMB 💕💕

[Lisa]

Dear Laughnomore,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have coped in this abusive environment for a long time, but it is no doubt having a very negative effect on you. When you feel able to, please consider starting your own topic to get a bit more support. Keep talking, about your feelings, your fears, and hopefully through talking it will help you to work out what you can next.

Domestic abuse makes us feel weak and trapped, but you do have the power to change your situation, and there is lots of support available to help you along the way. You can call the Helpline at anytime on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a female support worker in confidence.

Or you could contact your local domestic abuse service to ask about support options in your area.

Keep posting,

Lisa

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