New to the site and need advice

[alwaysdreaming]

Hi I’ve been married for (detail removed by moderator) and been with him for (detail removed by moderator). It was all great at the start but then things started to change. He would say comments about me in front of people, he would sulk if I wanted to go out my friends and would make it really difficult, in the end I was asking permission to go out and decided that this was too difficult as I didn’t know how he would react so stopped going out and my friends stopped asking me. He also muttered under his breath and when I ask what he said he would say nothing or prove it and now started saying it is me, I’m hearing things and it’s all in my head, like I’m going mad. He also makes a noise when I bend over, and pretends to scratch my arse and nose by using his finger some distance apart, indicating I have a fat arse and big nose. (Detail removed by moderator) ago he got a job abroad and I decided to go with our daughter thinking things would change but it has got worse. I spend a lot of time on my own, he talks about himself of his work and (detail removed by moderator)  and is not interested in anything I say and just grunts. He shouts and storms off from our daughter when she doesn’t play well at (detail removed by moderator) and we both feel like we have to walk on egg shells. We had a massive argument a couple of months ago, the weekend of (detail removed by moderator), mainly because I was going out, and it started from nothing. I wasn’t telling him things and we both don’t listen to him or support him. He said the marriage was over and I felt such a relief. Then the following morning he started to apologise and wanted to try again, I decided to say yes as he was threatening to cancel my visa and I would have to leave the country without my daughter. He almost bullied and threatened me to say I’d try again. In the beginning of (detail removed by moderator) when our schools closed for (detail removed by moderator) for lockdown they gave us (detail removed by moderator) spring break but we were advised not to travel, I got filled with dread thinking I’d have to stay in the house with him and I couldn’t cope with it so I said we needed space and he told me to go back to the UK so I did very last minute without telling anyone. Since I was here he had done nothing but harass me again about making a decision, some comments and conversations quite aggressive and threatening again. I had to say I would go back and try again because I couldn’t cope with him plus he started to harass my mum who is going through checks for cancer. He seems to think everything is back to normal as (detail removed by moderator) was for me to send him a photo of my boobs!! I flinch when he comes near me and I hate the feeling of him touching me. I hate it so much. I sometimes think I am going to leave him, then I think that maybe it’s not that bad and other couples have issues. Then he says something or my daughter contacts me saying he is being horrible and sulking at her and she wants to come here with me. Since I have spoken to a couple of friends they have told me they it there partners have heard the way he talks to be and have said something to him about it. I want to stay abroad as my daughter (detail removed by moderator) and loves the school but I also need to get advice on how I can get a visa from the school rather than being on his, so I can live my own life. Whilst I’ve been in the UK, as I can’t get a flight back yet, my mum said I have acted completely different from when I’m with him and I haven’t missed him at all. I miss my daughter and don’t want to hurt her but I need to seperate from him but I’m scared and anxious about how he will react and what he will do. No matter how I say something he never keeps calm and starts blaming me for everything and then starts his bullying tactics. Maybe it’s not as bad as I think it is, I just don’t know, I’m not sleeping well either as it’s on my mind all the time, it frightens me with what I want to do. I know mine is quite calm compared to others that’s why I sometimes think I should stay but I’m not happy.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there and welcome to the forum. Last point firs, no longer being happy in a relationship where married or living together or not is okay to leave that relationship. Thing is when is an abusive relationship and you can’t think clearly because of the FOG of abuse (fear obligation and guilt) it’s one obstacle after another. Look up the cycle of abuse too. Are you and your daughter both still here in the uk? Because of lockdown restrictions you couldn’t travel back,or is here with yous? He’ll use any trick in the book to get you to stay. Your body is reacting automatically to his abusive behaviour, hence the flinching, feeling sick, being sick even, it’s exhausting living like this but there is a way out. You’ve taken that one huge step by posting on here, that’s huge. You’re recognising that his behaviour isn’t good for you and your child. The more people you tell, this no longer is a secret, his secret I might add. His shame, his guilt, not yours. You didn’t make him act this way, he chooses to and believe me he knows exactly what he’s doing and saying. Oh there’ll be loads of excuses, but that’s all they are, excuses so he can continue in his deluded little mind, that his behaviour is okay. Look out for projection, triangulation, gaslighting, look these terms up, familiarise yourself with them. Keep a journal, match the behaviours to the terminology, sometimes it crosses over. There’s no stereotypical abuser,just as there’s no stereotypical ‘victim’. I use the word loosely, none of us are victims, we’re on this forum because we’ve decided no more. Have you told anyone in authority, dont worry about the threats of getting your child took away, that’s designed to get you to stay. Women’s aid are great, they have their own children’s workers, they know the score, what these men will say and do to win. Because that’s what it’s all about winning at all costs, power and control. Take back your power, take back control. One baby step at a time. Look how long it’s taken you to get to this stage, getting him out of your head, your psyche isn’t going to happen overnight, but with the right support you can do it.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[alwaysdreaming]

Thank you Iwantmeback. My daughter is abroad and I’m stuck here until I can get a flight back. It’s taken a lot of confidence to do this and to realise that what ho does is abuse. He does like being in control and the country we are living in he is very much in control. Which is frightening. I actually told him the night we had the big argument that I felt like it was mental abuse with all the comments, muttering and way he puts me down, which he hated and said he couldn’t forgive me for saying that about him!
I’ve just got to hope that my visa can get sorted then then next step is to tell him which the mere thought of it petrifies me. My mum and her friend says I’m strong enough and not to get bullied by him but I don’t feel strong enough to face him. I hope you are ok and well. Thank you for your response. X

[Iwantmeback]

See how he turned around to being the wounded party in all that, typical. Have had legal advice regarding taking your daughter from another country, is she a uk citizen. Definitely ring right’s for women and women’s aid, get as much info under your belt before you go back. Use this quiet time away from all his bullying ways, where the FOG has dispersed a little. Prepare for the worst and nothing can take you unawares.
💞💞

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