5th July 2022 at 7:55 pm #146554
I have been with my husband for nearly all my adult life and we have children still at home. I recognise that I have been treated badly since the beginning. My children are old enough to notice and one of them is telling me to leave him. One of them can’t really deal with it and doesn’t know what to think. My husband gets annoyed so easily and everything is my fault. He call the kids names and shouts at them too. What am I doing to them by staying with him? I walk on eggshells and I tell the children to do the same and that isn’t right is it. I’m worried what will happen to us, to him, to our lives. People have expressed concern to others but they then ask me in the way of you don’t need help do you. I have never experienced a home without abuse of some kind since I was born and it’s hard when you get to my age and realise this. You wouldn’t believe it if you met me. I have no family of my own to go to for help and I do have friends but they have their own problems. I have spoken to someone at my local womens aid who is trying to help me. Sometimes I think of speaking to my GP or other health professional but I’m scared what will happen. I’m also scared of the whole safeguarding thing. I don’t want my husband to be aware of anything until I’m ready, I don’t want the control taken away from me because I really need to get everything straight first. Has anyone had any experience of speaking to GP or safeguarding? Does anyone actually know what happens? I’m not in any physical danger, it’s all psychological and emotional and gas lighting and slight financial. I’m really struggling with it all. Also does anyone know what happens if a child discloses there’s domestic abuse at home. Sorry to go on and thanks for reading
5th July 2022 at 8:58 pm #146562BananaboatParticipant
Hello and welcome, I don’t know all the answers to your questions but I couldn’t read and run. In answer about the kids, I definitely underestimated the impact it was having on mine and only since getting out have I realised. They laugh again, I hadn’t realised we’d all stopped. When it’s drip drip drip and you’re living it in constantly it’s hard to see a bit like a constant cloud over you and like you say, you walk around on eggshells and get the kids to too. A powerful moment for me was realising they only get one childhood and we only get once chance to enjoy that childhood as adults and what memories would they have especially of Christmas and birthdays.
If the child disclosed domestic abuse what could happen varies, whoever they disclose it to might help find them support/counselling, they might refer to social services- is that what you’re worried about?
After years of this abuse you’ll have heard him tell you rubbish like you can’t cope, no one will help or want you, you’re a bad parent, probably make threats to take kids and so on, but it’s all lies to keep you where he wants you. You and the kids can thrive outside of an abusive relationship and there’s a lot of support out there x
5th July 2022 at 11:38 pm #146568
6th July 2022 at 7:35 am #146572nbumblebeeParticipant
Many of us here can relate to your story I too have had abuse for many years throughout my life and have been married a very long time. Im still here but wish with all my heart id have left years ago. It doesnt matter what we tell ourselves our kids know they hear see and feel more than we acknowledge and it does affect them I will carry the guilt of that forever.
Reaching out on here and to womans aid is a huge step well done for that. Keep talking keep reaching out for help do this in your own time in your own way but dont stop reaching out. Theres alot of help out there you just have to be brave enough to take it xx
6th July 2022 at 12:40 pm #146578gettingtiredParticipant
You’ve done amazing to already be reaching out for help and just recognising it alone is a huge step. A lifetime of abuse can make you so conditioned and brainwashed. I’m in a bit of a rush so can’t do a long reply but I just wanted to say we all understand and I hope you find much support here on the forum. Take care and keep posting xx
6th July 2022 at 2:27 pm #146583AurielParticipant
It’s bizarre how we adapt and tolerate so much especially and if it’s our first and we know no better, but they don’t show their true selves at the beginning (I knew no better in my first and the 2nd long term either some others in the freedom course we’re the same also) but I had no self esteem and I was taught a wrong version of relationships growing up, children usually want their parents to stay together so for them not wanting that is such a massive red flag (I also wanted my parents to split too the relationship was so toxic, and abuses of me and my sibling, if other people are noticing then his abuse is obvious and your right his treatment of the children might give them self esteem issues maybe underachieve or be unauthentic to overcompensate (non of these are good they should be able to be true to themselves) no one is going to blame you for your husbands behaviour, his treatment of you are his issues and problems and not about you nor should anyone blame you for his treatment of the children (this is him, abusers abuse) I’m glad you’ve spoken to women’s aid and I hope together you can find a way for a better happier healthier future for you and the children 💖💞💖
6th July 2022 at 8:19 pm #146595
I just wanted to thank you all so much for replying to my post. It means a huge amount that you read and showed support in your words. Thank you
6th July 2022 at 8:45 pm #146596GerbilParticipant
I am in a very similar situation to yourself and wrote a post virtually identical to yours in January.
You have made such a positive start by speaking to Women’s Aid..it’s a hard first step. I have spoken to my GP who listened but didn’t really do anything more. With regards to safeguarding…do you mean re your kids? From what I have learnt on here, alot depends on your children’s ages. My youngest is (detail removed by moderator) and so for the GP, it do not appear to be an issue.
Take care honey x
7th July 2022 at 1:35 am #146608
Thank you, that’s great to know. I have some health issues and my children are teenagers, it worries me that someone might storm in and take over, letting my husband know, so everything gets worse. I need to be prepared, no more chaos.
It’s so hard when you’ve been together most of your lives isn’t it.
7th July 2022 at 7:52 am #146609nbumblebeeParticipant
My goodness yes its hard sweetie ive been married over (detail removed by moderator) teenage and adult kids.
Im scared im more scared to leave than I am to stay no matter what he does and says sounds crazy I know but this life is all I know all ive ever known to be told its not right its not “normal” to have your eyes opened is hard to take and will take time. You do this at your own pace in your own time nobody is gonna storm in unless you want them too.
Baby steps as and when you are ready. Read learn talk and most of all believe in you. Xxxxx
10th July 2022 at 3:00 pm #146751AurielParticipant
It’s what we do snowinsummer we support (and sometimes post in need of it also) take care, hope you keep posting to see how your getting on 😗💗🤗
19th July 2022 at 8:32 am #147144LimoncelloParticipant
This is my first foray into this, so here goes…it was suggested by my daughter who has watched me cry, feel sad, weep, and become emotionally isolaed over the last (detail removed by Moderator) years. I met my 2nd husband (detail removed by Moderator) years ago (my children are from my first marriage), we fell hopelessly in love and had a most extraordinary love for eachother, I was walking on cloud nine, I was completely spell bound, I was consumed and immersed wholeheartedly with him, but also scared to death of losing what I’d found in him. Then there was a couple of red flags, which I chose to ignore, and I’d put him before the kids to appease him, I rallied around him like hired help, not wanting to disappoint him, but they were small little things, and I thought fairly insignificant at the time, so I just continued, living the life and after (detail removed by Moderator) years of being in two different counties, commuting each weekend, he moved near me and a year later, after renovating it he asked me to marry him and move into his house, which I did, and where I am today I remember thinking 18 months before the wedding that things weren’t right, but I still went ahead, despite my daughter saying that if I had doubts I should walk away, but it just seemed easier to go ahead with it, naively thinking that things would settle or change. He’s called both my children nasty names, my daughter now (detail removed by Moderator), refuses to come here so I go to see her on my own, my son, goes with the flow,but I’m on constant eggshells, I feel that he has slowly chipped away and I’mm now just a shell. I love him, but no longer in love, I’ve tried to leave so many times and only in (detail removed by Moderator) put in divorce proceedings..but due to my mental health and having also just lost my mother I was broken..so ended up coming back to try once more,but I knew deep down it wouldn’t work. I’m now at the stage that I hate myself for not going when I had the chance. It’s so hard leaving someone you still have feelings for yet you know it’s destroying you. I have no self respect and I make excuses not to go each day…the heat, a fofthcoming appointment, meetings, etc, I just need the courage and strength to go, my support network is there to catch me,but I can’t seem to be able to take that leap, i’m desperate and reach out to you lot out there…what’s stopping me?I’m(detail removed by Moderator) now, and I don’t want to be in the same position when I’m (detail removed by Moderator)!
19th July 2022 at 9:05 am #147147HereforhelpParticipant
Limoncello, hello and welcome to the forum…. I didn’t want to read and run as I saw your post on this thread and I can hear how hurt and upset you are.
Yes it is hard when you have invested so much time, energy and love to a man who abuses you. Your story/situation is very similar to a lot of other women’s on here including myself.
I am (detail removed by Moderator) years younger than you, I also had doubts which I ignired before I married an abusive man. We have 2 teenagers.
Have you contacted your local WA? As they are very helpful and understanding. Also, a female GP (it can be hit and miss with GP’s, mine was so helpful but even if she wasn’t the DA is still on my GP notes, which is good). It takes on average 7 attempts on average to leave… it took me 3 attempts, please do not beat yourself up for not leaving before, you are already going through enough. Read about DA, Pat Craven Living with the Dominater is a good book. Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That is another good book to start with.
I found keeping a journal helpful, I would write it down in my phone.
I had health conditions which became worse towards the end of my marriage, I was on medications, thought I was mad (that was from decades of gaslighting)..
I have been out quite some months and my health has improved, I am starting to get to know me (I was a shell of myself when with him).
Well done for posting on here ❤ keep posting, you are not alone xx
19th July 2022 at 1:06 pm #147162LimoncelloParticipant
Thanks hereforhelp…by WA do you mean Woman’s Aid? I suspect I should be able to Google their nearest office and take it from there. Yes, my GP is undestanding, and I’m having another appointment with her this week. Thanks for all your time.
26th July 2022 at 9:28 am #147570MyheadandheartarenowsafeParticipant
Sorry to hear your going through such a terrible time & if he t helps your not alone. I’m new here. I’m not sure how I post my first message?.
26th July 2022 at 11:35 am #147573EggshellsParticipant
Welcone to the forum to all 3 of you.
Our stories sound very similar. I’ve been out for a few years now and I’m happily building the life I want.
I was also petrified of reporting for all sorts of complex reasons. Different GPs will respond differently. My first GP practice referred my case to their Designated Safeguarding Lead (DSL) which terrified me. I discovered that their DSL was someone that both myself and my husband (now ex) had professional dealings with. As we work with potentially vulnerable people and the nature of my abuse was sexual as well as emotional and psychological, I was petrified he’d find out and we’d both loose our jobs. Nothing like that happened.
Once you start accessing help you will be risk assessed repeatedly. In my case, I had been risk assessed many times over the space of 2 years with no action at all. It wasn’t until my situation became desperate that my risk assessment finally triggered a MARAC referral. At that point I fled the the county to make myself safe. I had to leave everything behind including my friends and a job I loved. It was really, really hard but now I see that it was the best decision of my life.
@Limoncello Your difficulty in leaving is something that almost every woman on the forum has struggled with. Abusive relationships are a complicated tangle and it takes time to untie everything. It sounds like you are trauma bonded. This is not love – even though it can feel like love. It is a very strong attachment which you form with your abuser over successive repeats of the abuse cycle. I have copied this from the Betterhelp website as it is the clearest explanation of trauma bonding I’ve ever come across.
“During the stressful points in the relationship, the survivor has elevated cortisol levels. The survivor feels like they’re on the edge, thinking that they may be hurt or abandoned by their abuser if they don’t listen to them. They’re desperately seeking the reward hormone dopamine, which is a pleasure chemical. When the abuser gives the survivor affection, they’re rewarded with dopamine, which further reinforces the traumatic bond.”
@myheadandheartarenowsafe To create your own post you need to be logged in. From the forum home page click on “Boards”. Then scroll down until you see a board called “New to the Forum”. Click on it and scroll down to the bottom of the page. You should see an empty box waiting for you. xx
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