1st June 2016 at 8:29 am #18408Broken againParticipant
Hi I’ve never done anything like This before but was recommended to by the helpline. My problem is although I know this isn’t right, I can’t let go.
I’m living with my partner we have been together a number of years but have not lived together for that long. We had years of being happy and no problems until we moved in with each other. Now we argue over silly things a lot. Usually it’s about him going out and still acting like a man half his age. But that’s not the problem, it’s how he manages these rows. I try to tell him how he is making me feel and he says I’m being a selfish spoilt brat. He then won’t speak to me for days and when I try to he says I’m attacking him and will go on to say really spiteful things like my face makes him feel sick. But then somehow we sort it out and have a few weeks of being happy and he’ll be saying how much he loves me and how he wants us to get married one our finances are sorted out etc. Then something goes wrong again and I’m back to sitting in all night wondering if he’ll come home and whether I’m allowed to be in the same room as him when he does. I live on my nerves.
The main thing why I’m not letting go is I have a daughter from a previous marriage and my partner is actually wonderful with her. Even when not speaking to me he plays with her and buys her treats and cooks her dinner etc. He is much better than her real dad and that is what stops me from leaving because she tells me how much she loves him and loves us all living together. Additionally I’d have nowhere to go if I left. Prior to living with him I lived in shared accommodation and had to share a room with my daughter who ended up sharing my bed with me as she grew out of her toddler bed. I can’t go back to that and can’t afford anything else. I have no one I can stay with as I lost a lot of family and friends when I got divorced from my ex. Apparently it made me a ‘disgrace’. The friends I have now are who I have made through my partner as he was my rock and what helped keep me going through my divorce. All more reasons why I’m finding it hard to let go.
But in the back of my head I know I don’t deserve to be crying and making myself sick one week a month because he has turned again and calling me a selfish evil monster or a miserable spoilt cow or how me touching him repulsed him. All with the overall message of he won’t leave me but if I leave I’ll be the one who broke up our family and will have to tell my daughter that when she is crying cos she misses him. But I’m scared my daughter will think this is a normal relationship and mimick it herself when she grows up. I need help please ladies. Is there anyone who has felt like this and show me it is possible to be happy again.
1st June 2016 at 10:03 am #18409AnonymousInactive
Welcome to our world, Broken.
I think we find it hard to let go because we love these men. We don’t feel whole without them. We’d rather be hurt from time to time than not be with them at all. That’s because we have low self esteem.
Step 1: Build your self esteem. I’ve been using this website, and finding it very useful. http://esteemology.com/doubt-codependency-and-the-law-of-attraction/
Low self esteem probably followed a neglectful childhood. Our child, and not our adult self, is running the show. Now I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t let an 8 year old child choose what I have for dinner or watch on TV, so I am d****d if I’m going to let her choose my husband or run my life. I did though, for a long time.
Step 2: Take care of your inner child, so she lets adult you call the shots (same website has lots of help with that)
I found esteemology because I wanted to know a little bit more about narcissistic men. There is a lot of information about that too, but I’ve stopped reading it. Once I got beyond the ‘highlights’, I learned I have no interest in narcissistic men. I don’t care about them any more (although I used to – a lot!) They care quite enough about themselves without the rest of us joining in.
Step 3: Practise loving detachment. There is a lady on this forum (Bridget Jones…) who has posted about this.
You talked about how he treats you (who he is not always wonderful to), then explained he is wonderful to your daughter. As she is your daughter, I don’t think that is possible – if someone mistreats me, my children are furious with them and do not accept any bribes or tricks to like the man. My kids have consistently told me to get rid of my ex – they have never trusted him to care for me – and I should have listened to them sooner. They’re far wiser than me. But I did listen and now we’re out.
It sounds to me as tho he is grooming your daughter. You may not want to hear this, but he is using your daughter against you. (If you listen to the The Archers, you’ll have heard the character Rob do the same thing to Helen’s son, Henry. Chilling to listen to.)
Your daughter may cry when you leave him. That will be the sound of her letting go of someone who places her in danger. You and the friends your choose to surround yourself with, will help her to build her self esteem, and grow into a woman whose adult self runs the show, and whose inner child has a solid sense of who she is, having known a joyful childhood, with boundaries, independence and all that lovely stuff we need as kids.
*There is always somewhere to go* Anywhere would be better for you – and your beautiful daughter – than where you are now.
Inside you know that. In time you will build up the strength to go. Freedom – and a joyful and peaceful life – awaits.
*You’re never alone* I’m on the same road you are. It’s not always easy to get away, but it is good, really, really good. I am finding all sorts of people offering love, kindness, support, and they were there all along, just waiting for me to open my eyes and join them.
Much love S xx
1st June 2016 at 12:21 pm #18418Broken againParticipant
Thank you for your reply and all your advice. It helps me feel better to know I’m not the only one out there feeling this way. You are right about self esteem. Right now I feel so worthless. I feel like I’m a terrible mum and must obviously be a horrible person generally as every relationship I have had has been a disaster.
But although I know you are completely right it doesn’t make it any easier to hear that I clearly have to let go. It’s true I do still love him. I love him so much it feels like I can’t exist without him. And he is genuinely great with my daughter. We don’t argue in front of her and she always says she wants us all to play together rather than picking one person or the other. She regularly says she loves our family and he never insults me infringement of her. We just play and laugh. It’s then when we are without her he behaves the way he does with me if we happen to argue over something.
If anything it would be easier to walk away if he wasn’t so good to her as her father wasn’t and that gave me the strength to walk away from him. I couldn’t bare to see my daughter ignored and mistreated so learnt to hate him. But my partner now has always loved her. He taught her how to count and ride her bike and tie her shoe laces just like a father should. It made me love him all the more. And now she is still so young all she sees is happiness and has her own room now and a mummy and father figure who both love and care for her It makes me feel so guilty and selfish for being unhappy myself and having thoughts of ending it all.
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