New to this and really need some advice please

[Heart]

Hi I am new to this and hoping there is someone out there that can help and understand the situation I am currently in.
My partner of (detail removed by Moderator) and father to my 3 children is currently in prison and will be for (detail removed by Moderator) years. Our relationship was very bad before he went there and has been for years. I have left him before and ended up returning because he did the usual sob stories and all the rest of it. We knew he was going to get sent to prison so while we was waiting for it to happen in my head I planned I would do it once his away because it would be the safest option. Now I don’t know where to start with ending this. I cannot see him face to face to say it because I fear what he would do? I just need a bit of encouragement from someone as I’m starting to dread doing it as I know he will start with the threatening to harm himself. I wish I could just move away and never have to see or speak to him again but having his children makes this very difficult. I would appreciate anyone’s advice. Thank you

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Welcome to the forum, i’m sure u will find loads of great support on here from ladies who have partners in prison too, these men emotionally and physically drain us even when they are not with us , just by having contact with us. I would take advantage of the situation that he is in prison. Not sure how old your children are but u do need to call the help line on here to be guided to relevant agencies that can support you . I would personally just write a letter to him saying too much has happened, the relationship is beyond repair and it is over and not to contact u. I know that must sound harsh but there is no nice way of splitting up with someone , its going to hurt regardless to whether u tell him to his face or by letter. Block his no immediately and obviously b4 u go and let him know decide are u relocating, moving houses but in same town or staying in same house . You need to decide depending on age of kids are u going to allow him to have contact with kids . Yo
u will have to block him once u have told him, that way he cant cry and get to u . A lot of them put a tremendous amount of pressure on us to stay with them, they will kill themselves, they wont cope , they cant live with out u, they will hurt u if u leave them, but u really have to think of yourself and your children. Whilst his in prison, if he wants to get help he will be able to reach out for help and be supervised so at less risk to harm himself. There never is a easy way, but staying just keeps u unhappy and the impact on children is lot more devasting then we realise. Read up on abuse, log it with your gp, get counselling for yourself and the children if they need it. You’d be suprised how much we go into denial mode and accept a lot of it as we numb ourselves

[Heart]

Hi thank you so much for taking the time to get back to me. You have already made me feel a lot better. My children are (detail removed by Moderator) so I don’t know what’s best do to about them. He already uses them to get to me while we are together says things like make sure mummy doesn’t go anywhere with out you and don’t let her say she’s going out with her friends! His evil. I’ve actually already moved which he knows about but not exactly where just the area so I will feel safe where I am for now. I’m so stuck on what to write in the letter too! X

[KIP.]

Hey there. These men will use every kind of manipulation they can. Use this time to make a fresh start. If you write then keep it short and make sure he can’t use it against you. You can get free legal advice from rights for women. Also most solicitors offer the first half hour free. He is not your responsibility.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Dont worry , my used to say same to my kids , your mummys body guard, let me know everything where she go and who she meets, used to fururiate how they get children involved who had no idea of the game they were getting involved. This site doesn’t allow us to declare our children age to protect our identities, so most of us say teenagers, pre school, or state which year in school, or under 3, newborn etc, that way we can try guide u accordingly in terms of children

Well done for actually moving out , calling womens of rights they are open day and eve, i recommend calling soon as they open as lines get busy, they can give u free advice and i find are better then the 30 min free appointment with solicitors, they are professional solicitors too who volunteer their time free of charge, but please do get advice from all sources available.

Keep the letter short, no explanation makes it justified to them anyway, just say relationship has broken down and beyond repair and u wish to have no contact with him. Join the freedom course, u can do it online , or join a group, they are held regularly but have waiting lists , read up on abuse, why does he do that by lundy bancroft is a brill book to read as well as the dominator by pat craven. Really opens your eyes to abuse and u realise gosh i’m not the only one experiencing this, get counselling to recover , u don’t get how traumatised u r till u talk about what happened.

I relocated and approached a refguee just to be allocated a support worker, i ddint even stay in one but need the support, my support worker was brill, could u find out if u can have a family support worker , i was refered by the d v agency that i approached for support to start with.

Loads of support out there hun, just ask us if u not sure where to start , google up d v agencies thats another way

[Heart]

Hi,
My children are pre school age, reception year and year 2. I have actually attended the freedom program (detail removed by Moderator) years ago I was referred onto it my our social worker. I do still have the social worker but I get so scared talking to her about it incase it affects how they look at me!!
It confuses me what to do about the kids seeing him in prison. They have been (detail removed by Moderator) since his been away so now once I’ve finished our relationship do I just not let them go there anymore or do I arrange for someone else to take them like their auntie or something? In a ideal world I would just cut all contact and never let him see or speak with them again. I just get so angry that I have got myself in this situation. After putting up with him for many many years I should of just done this years ago!
He is a nasty person and is going to make mine and my families lives hell! X

[Confused123]

hi hun

dont blame yourself for not walking away sooner, it really is hard, it took me forever too, well done on actually moving out , i would say u really need advice and guidance from professional, im just trying to advise u based on my personal experience , i think when u have been with an abuser, its better to keep the children away from them, your children are quite young, how do they feel about their dad, do they have a good relationship with him? From reading your post sounds like your ex is quite nasty if hew will make your life heel , keep your children away from someone like that they only take advantage of the children in a horrible way by playing emotional games with them, they put pressure on the kids that they should say they want parents togehter, get tehchidlren to report back what u do, use the kids to remain in contact with u , guess u worked out how the pattern follows.

I know when i left my ex, i was like i’m going to support the kids have a relationship with their dad, but when their abusers, they just use the kids to their own advantage, he wasn’t even bothered, it was more about knowing what i was doing, at child contact i remain with my kids till they felt safe but he just used to talk to me instead, i tried so many different ways with contact been supervised with one of his family member i thought i could trusst, but they ended up treelling my kids we would get back togheter and i’m depressed but kids just used to return upset and distress. Save them the pain whilst u can, when he comes out of prison it is up to him if he wants to track them down and be in their life , i personally think children are safer away from men who cant respect ladies.

I think you have a lot of pressure on your head as how to break up with him cause of child contact scenario, speak to support workers and do counselling so u can be guided and have a clearer head, the sooner u reach out the better as u can start your recovery, remmeber when he comes out u can apply for non mol so he cant come near u , or im sure certain restrictions will be put in place. I m not a friend of s s and like u hate any contact with them, maybe having contact with them would encourage u to keep away from him. you need to ge tin first to show u are putting things in place to protect your kids

[EeyoreNoMore]

I echo the other ladies. If you have contact with him then he will use every opportunity to get at you emotionally. Research “No Contact” and “grey rock”.

You’re safe from him for the time being so now it’s time to regroup and put yourself and children first. Get as much advice and support as you can, Women’s Aid, Rights of Women, Social services etc, even ChildLine can give advice. Keep you and the kids safe. If he wants contact he can take the legal route to get it when he gets out. Hopefully by then you will be stronger. x

[Confused123]

hey hun

yes agree nscpc are brill for advice

[happyness]

hi everyone new on here too heart would like to say i totally understand how your feeling head overwhelmed with stuff my advice would be to get what ever orders you think are apporpiate well he is in prison that way you no for sure they get served on him also you could do video link or vice verse and if he has a probation officer after hes realeased maybe get conditions applied to not being allowed in a certain area
stay strong will get better in time x

[Author]

Posts