New to this and really need support

[Beepbop]

Hi everyone
I don’t know where to start. Met my ex (detail removed by moderator) and things moved quickly. Moved across the country after (detail removed by moderator) he wanted to have a baby… I hadn’t even thought about kids I was so career driven at that stage as my new job was taking off.
He said he didn’t want to be a old dad as he was (detail removed by moderator) older than me. He made me feel guilty and after I said yes he took my pills and flushed them all down the toilet.
If I didn’t have sex with him every night he he would make me feel guilty and say don’t you love me anymore. And give me the silent treatment. I used to just lay there thinking in my head I don’t want this but I never said no.
(detail removed by moderator) later I was pregnant. He was so pleased but my heart sank and I was frightened. I soon got used to being pregnant and looked forward to meeting my son.
Through the pregnancy he would act jealous nd hve temper tantrums smashing phones against the wall etc.. I would tell his mam and she would say… Well he didn’t chuck it at you so don’t worry.
Once my son was born it got worse he wouldn’t help in anyway nd would be glued to his games xbox after work but in public he’d play the doting dad.
The mind games were hurrendous nd it got to a point where I feared for mine and my sons life so I made a plan with my dad to leave and he would come pick me up when the ex went to work.
It was one of the most scariest times of my life but I got out and started a new life with my son.
He took me to court for access, but because I only told his mam she denied everything I told her and eventually he was allowed unsupervised access.
He grew a bond with my son and I felt he turned a corner and the last (detail removed by moderator) things have been amicable but I’ve always felt controlled and frightened of him. Like I have to keep him happy.
(detail removed by moderator) my son disclosed some disturbing things him nd hes dad get up to nd I HD no option but to call the police and social services. He’s had no contact for (detail removed by moderator) and went on a smear campaign saying I have made it all up and I’m a liar nd he wants Our son to live with him.
This has crushed me beyond anything everything he did has resurfaced. I have to sit in court and see him and listen to his lies.
He’s a full blown narcassist and even onvinced my own mother that he wasn’t abusive. She knows about everything except him forcing me to have a baby because I want to protect her. And I don’t have the courage to now come out with that on top of everything that’s going on.
My sons confused and I’m in pain I just don’t know what to do at this point x

[Lisa]

Hi Beepbop

Welcome to the forum! You did the right thing to report what your son told you and clearly services are taking it seriously if they have stopped his contact. Many abusive men will try and convince everyone around them that they are the victim which is what it sounds like your ex is doing. Just remember that you and your friends and family know the truth, you have done nothing wrong.

If he ends up getting supervised contact at some point you may want to have some things in place so you don’t have to have any direct contact with him like using a contact centre or third party and using email or a contact book for communication. Lots of women also have a second phone so he does not have your main number which you turn on when he is with your son in case of an emergency.

Do contact your local domestic abuse support service for ongoing support, i know this is a very hard time for you at the moment, we are here to support you on this forum.

Take care and keep posting.

Lisa

[Beepbop]

Thanks for all the messages ladies. Things are getting more and more messy now. He is trying to stop my son going ahead with pre court therapy.

(court details removed by moderator)

The same day he wrote that email he also cancelled his child support for my son. Its just so excruciating right now my head and heart are hurting so bad.

What parent, who denies the allegations from his son would block him getting some support? Why would you do that. He is a monster

[diymum@1]

this wont look good at all (detail removed by moderator) – will go against him. try to go for a no contact order. these men are not a good influencee on our kids they totally mess with them xx dont let this happen. have you read when dad hurts mum by lundy bancroft? it addresses lots off these issues including court and dealing with professionals effectively xx

[diymum@1]

heres an extract;

ive recently read when dad hurts mum by the good mr bancroft and wow what a revalation! this book is exactly how this has played out for us;

heres something that rings very true in many cases;

-persuading the children that you are to blame for the separation.
-having the children transmit messages to you.
-pumping them for information about your current living situation,your finances,or your new partners.
-returning them dirty,unfed,or emotionally distraught from visits.
-frequently buying them presents or taking them on exspensive outings,to buy their affection and loyalty.
-turning the children against you through verbal conditioning and manipulation.
-undermining your parenting by making his home a place with no rules,structure,or safety precautions.
-having specail toys or pets at his house that they cannot bring home, so they have to go to his house to enjoy them.
-making the children feel sorry for him about the separation,such as telling them he crys when theyre not there,so they will feel obligated to spend more time with him.
-taking them for visits and returning them late,or not returning them at all for days or even weeks.
-not calling them or spending time with them at all, especially if he is angry at you about something.
-not paying child support,underpaying,or paying late.
-causing you and the children to become homeless by not contributing financially,by getting you evicted, or by forcing the sale of your home.
-threatening all kinds of harm if you let your children to get to know your new partner.
-destroying their relationships with therapist or other proffesionals through manipulation.
-dragging you into court repeatedly regarding visitation.
seeking custody of the children through court or threatening to do so.
-kidnapping the children or threatening to do so.
-abusing the children through visitation, especially when he is angry at you.
-filing unwaranted child abuse reports.
-promising to see the children then cancelling at the last minite,in an effort to control your schedule/free time.

[diymum@1]

I hope this isn’t triggering for anyone. I feel its so important to recognise this in our kids. I think some of these example are from children witnessing abuse directly which can of course be in the home and at contact visits when the mother is not present. This list might help people who are preparing for a case to prove that the kids are being affected. If theyre experiencing any of the signs and symptoms below it definitely time for supervised access or no contact. I feel passionate about this subject because I went through this with my own daughter due to her father trying to force contact;

Here they are its worth a read if this applies to you and your kids ;

Sleep difficulties: Frequent waking, nightmares, fear of falling asleep

Sally saw a downstairs neighbor threaten her mother with a knife when she was seven years old. For weeks afterwards, she would lay awake at night, listening for steps on the stairs, afraid he was coming back. She had a recurring dream that he was chasing her around the neighborhood, and she was looking for a place to hide.

•Somatic complaints: Headaches, stomach aches, aches and pains with no clear medical cause

Jose, eight years old, witnessed his mother’s abuse at the hands of his father for five years. After they separated, he reported that his stomach would hurt every time he thought about his father. He often went to the school nurse complaining of stomachaches.

•Increased aggressive behavior, angry outbursts

Marci, six years old, had lived with domestic violence all her life. She had trouble making friends at school because she would hit and kick when frustrated or disappointed. At home, she sometimes kicked her mother, and called her the same “bad words” her father used.

•Increased activity level

Terence, eleven years old, saw a murder in his neighborhood. In the following months, his teachers and parents noticed that he had trouble settling down to do his schoolwork, and was more active than usual.

•Hypervigilance: Worries, fears, overreaction to loud noises or sudden movements

Sarah, four years old, told her day care provider she wanted to go home early one day because she was worried about her mom: “My mommy will be hurt.” Her mother reported to the day care provider that she had been abused by a former girlfriend, who continued to stalk her and made many threats to kill her.

•Regression: Loss of skills learned at an earlier age, “babyish” behavior

Five year old Tommy, who had been toilet-trained by the age of three, started wetting his pants again after he saw his father mugged at gunpoint while waiting at a bus stop.

•Withdrawal: Loss of interest in friends, school, or other activities the child used to enjoy

Ebony, thirteen years old, used to enjoy going to the movies or the mall with her friends on weekends. She was also on her school’s gymnastics team. After she saw her older sister get beaten by a boyfriend, she quit the gymnastics team and started to stay home every weekend.

•Numbing: Showing no feelings at all, not bothered by anything Nine-year-old

Eric had seen a lot of violence in his family. His father would beat his mother, and sometimes hit Eric and his little sister as well. Eric’s teachers noticed that he seemed “shut down” emotionally. He never showed any anger or sadness, but he never seemed happy either.

•Increased separation anxiety: Refuses to go to school, very upset when left with babysitter or child care provider

Somnang was just ten months old when she saw her mother pushed down the stairs by a relative. For several weeks after the incident, Somnang would wail for long periods of time after her mother brought her to day care, even though she knew the providers and used to separate easily.

•Distractibility: Has trouble concentrating at school or home

At sixteen years old, Justin saw his friend beaten up by some other teenagers. Afterwards, he found it hard to concentrate on anything for very long, saying that memories of the fight would pop into his mind and distract him from what he was doing.

•Changes in play: Repeatedly acts out or recreates violent events in play, less able to play spontaneously and creatively

After her parents split up, Elva’s preschool teachers noticed that she was spending more and more time at the dollhouse. Each time, she used the father doll to hit the mother doll over and over again.

I see our duty as parents to first and foremost protect our children from witnessing abuse even although a lot of the time this is not our doing or even in our power. In contact we can put these signs and symptoms forward and hopefully our kids rights will be paramount. What I and my little girl were met with in the end was the choice between responsibility (of the father, his capabilities) and the childs rights. I know which I would choose. xx diy

[Beepbop]

Omg, all of the things in the first list at least 9 of them have been happening. And the econd message rings true to my child.
As soon as my child disclosed to me what had happened he’s behaviour changed dramatically he would wet the bed, have nightmares, get angry really easily even punching himself in the head and screaming.
It frightened me as I felt like I didn’t know my child anymore.
I didn’t know what to do i would cry my eyes out and just hold him. He has improved alot since then but still talks about my ex like he’s the best thing ever and his dad is the best.
So I know he’s confused, but his dad buys him lots of. Gifts and cool toys for him, but leaves most of them at his house. My child will say I love my daddy becuse he let’s me do whatever I want and he buys me toys and let’s me play video games for older kids. It’s always meterial substance with him.
The ex is also wanting full custody, calling me an emotional abuser and I’m. Putting words in my child’s mouth. The ex is something else I cannot put it into words the more I realise what he’s doing thr more down I get.
He’s had me in such an emotional spiral of lies I have been a wreck but now things are fitting into place

[Author]

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