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hi – I feel very confused and vulnerable. I grew up in a difficult environment and only as an adult have I come to realise that aspects of my childhood were abusive (but only aspects and my family is, in some respects, very loving). Certainly I have had a life-time of difficulties that I can clearly understand in the context of my upbringing but there was no physical or sexual violence – just emotional cruelty and very confusing dynamics. Nobody else would have guessed. I used to wish that my parents would beat me or hurt me physically or that something really bad would happen to me so that a teacher would notice and help me somehow. I think my ultimate hope was that my mum would take me away but I understood that she could not leave because she loved him and it was not her he was cruel to. She has her own issues and I can see that she needed me to be the way I was.
The problem is that I have been on my own since always – single – but have gravitated towards abusers – abusive employers (and after five years in that environment i became suicidal) and now I find myself in a co-parenting situation with an abusive man and his partner. The child lives with me. I am terrified of them. They are not physically violent but they threaten me if I do not give them exactly what they want by way of access to her as and when they want. I have only said no to them three times in the years since we met – each time with serious consequences in terms of threats and escalating anger towards me – but now their demands are encroaching on the child’s well-being. But they have become so aggressive and nasty since I said no that I feel I have no choice but to give in otherwise the child will suffer more. The more I resist the more aggressive and hostile they become towards me and the more they pull the child away from me in a way that feels unsafe for the child and for me. I doubt myself all the time and I don’t know now if I am making this all up and they are all the good guys and I am just inventing some sort of victim narrative for myself. The one thing I know is that I seem to be stuck in a repetition of early feelings and dynamics but the big difference is that the person I love the most in this whole world is at stake. I have tried so hard to keep the peace and be ‘family’ but to no avail. I am trying to convince myself that they can be loving parents to the child in this whilst also being abusive to me but … The stress and fear are making me ill and I know I have to be well and stable for my child, but I also wonder about the wisdom of giving into bullies … and what this communicates to the little person in this. I am deeply deeply unhappy and hurt. I am scared that by not saying no I am not putting her first, but when I have tried to say no, the consequences for HER seem to be worse … -
It’s common to talk yourself in and out of recognising abusr. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Growing up with abuse unfortunately means we form unhealthy boundaries as our parents allowed low standards for us emotionally so they don’t seem ‘wrong’. Try to feel proud you are aware you don’t want that for your own child. You could make a referral to children’s services if you feel you aren’t in a position to mediate with them. You can’t mediate with someone when you are being abused or coerced.
Or maybe start with a women’s center? I bang on about them all the time but mine have been able amazing resource. They are very aware of why we are worried of the consequences of taking back control and they won’t pressure you in to making a decision. But they will make sure you are represented well. Xx -
I think it would be good for you to contact your local women’s aid for support. Perhaps also speak to a solicitor, most offer free initial advice. If you had a legal agreement in place then they cannot keep abusing access. Everyone would know when the child has visitation. Bullies will just keep pushing your boundaries until you push back. Your local women’s aid or the helpline number on here can give you some great advice.
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thank you ever so much – a women’s centre would be a good starting point. I saw a lawyer recently because when I said no for the first time to them, the threats came fast and furious and her father insisted on mediation to force me to give him the access that he wants – He refused to talk at all until mediation and then decided, after one session, that it wasn’t for him and that was the end of that. I am terrified of him all the time to be honest.
But when I saw the lawyer they just said that as he has parental responsibility a family court would encourage him to have more contact (at present he has only wanted to see her for three hours a week – and suddenly out of the blue they want her for the entire weekend). She would be so bewildered as to why she isn’t allowed to come home after school on a friday and why she can’t see her friends, go the parties that everyone else goes to etc. I never said an outright ‘no’. I only said that she is not ready yet and let’s think of ways to build up gradually.
I can’t bear them and never want to see them again. But I know of women in much worse and dangerous relationships in which the court has insisted on shared custody etc. So I wouldn’t want to go to court as the law, it seems, is too much of a blunt instrument and my little girl could end up in an even worse situation. -
Hi, you must be in turmoil with this situation. Has anyone advised you to keep a contact journal of when the wee one visits her dad. You could include anything in it, from, being withdrawn before she’s due to go or when she comes back. Starting to wet herself, getting angry at you,trying to hit you, or other children. Children play out what they see and nursery staff are trained to recognise this too. If she’s at school let the teachers know of your concerns too and get them onside. The more professionals that you willingly liase with the better. Include times and dates of visits, if they turn up, if they are late turning up or returning the wee one. Now anything out of character wirth the wee one. This can be used if it goes to family court as to why you don’t think access should be increased or include overnight visits. It’s about being 3 steps ahead of them, that way you are in control.
Good luck and keep posting
IWMB 💕💕 -
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Heck I HEAR you. I also have an ex who is an aggressive bully. I was scared of him. I also didn’t want to rock the boat, to make us all ”happy families” so I gave in to the stupidest demands and situations, for their sake – coz he makes their lives hell by bullying them ( he’ll say they are losers, they are useless, they’re not gonna make anything of themselves, doesn’t let them out the house except for school). He alienated me from my kids by lying to them (one example was he told them I wasn’t paying maintenance, and then told them they must not discuss maintenance with me, so I didn’t ever find out that they were being lied to. They listen to him because he bombards them with questions that they MUST answer or he won’t let them leave the room, when they come back to his house).
It took (detail removed by moderator) for me to stand up to him.
He wanted another (detail removed by moderator) for university costs….I said NO. I had maxed all my financial facilities and I genuinely could not get more money for him. Plus, I got the bottle from somewhere to tell him what I thought of the way he treated me & our children. He won’t let them get part-time jobs to help with the university fees (cos then it looks like he hasn’t got the money that he wants people to THINK he has and it was too much hassle for him as he would have to drop them off and pick them up from the jobs).
It was the most awful day of my life. The insults came fast and thick and they were demeaning and horrendous. He stopped them from coming to stay with me. BUT now a few months later, they have come back to ME, and they are being open about everything they’ve been told, we have a new tighter loving relationship based on the truth. I shouldve put my foot down years ago.
Put your foot down. Teach your children that you will not be treated badly, that you will not be bullied. Right now you are showing them that one person’s wishes are way more important that yours. That’s not right. Bullies go away if you stand up to them. BUT if there’s a chance he will physically harm you when you stand up to him, have some back up (brother,father,uncle – these abusers aren’t afraid of women). Do it when the kids are with you, then he can’t harm them. He needs to learn that you will not accept being pushed around. He’ll find someone else to bully.
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