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Hi all, I’m new here and am just wondering/struggling with the reality of what was/is (we have children together) I’ve asked myself so many times, am I crazy, do I need help, do I love drama, is it me but following the advices of solicitor & doctor I’ve kept a diary of fact for nearly 12 months and I’m now struggling with the wow no it’s not me it’s you. How did you process, accept & move on from this, I am now no longer emotionally attached so I’m seeing the way he can be to our children, how on earth do we protect them from it, nothing physical but emotional…. thank you for reading
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Hi butterfly, welcome. You’ve taken a very big step posting on here and keeping a journal for so long is so important. I did this off and on for a long time and was clearly able to see the patterns of abuse. I knew deep down what was going on but the FOG of abuse and the constant drama these men create make it so hard to think and see clearly. I’m not sure if you’ve left or are still in the relationship. The next step for me was to leave. I was never going to get my ex out of our house. It took me a long time of thinking through and exploring different options. Once I was finally awake to the realities of the abuse it made cutting my losses so much easier. I started to think about what life would be like without him. I craved peace and quiet, freedom to finally be myself without walking on egg shells. I made practical steps to leave. I spoke with my local domestic abuse service and started researching about domestic abuse. Knowing all the tactics these men use kept me grounded in reality when the apologies and pleading started.
I’m still in the very early stages of my recovery. It’s not easy but let’s face it, living in an abusive relationship is hell on earth.
Build a support network. People who you can talk to who really understand. Ending these types of relationships is not the same as ending a normal healthy relationship and you need people who understand that.
I was fortunate in that my ex is not my child’s father. The only way I could protect him was getting him away. Only now am I really hearing the extent of the impact on my child.
Seek advice regarding child contact. You can teach your children that they don’t have to tolerate an abusive relationship and you can provide a safe and nurturing home for them on your own. You will need to maintain firm boundaries with their dad as sadly these men use children to continue the abuse and see them as an extension of themselves.
There is no easy way out. We have to put ourselves and our children first.
Keep posting xx-
Hi Hetty, not sure I’m replying in the right but thank you so much fir taking the time to reply and read.
He actually left me (detail removed by moderator) ago it’s taken a long time to “understand” what it was I going through and if it wasn’t for me taking advices and actually writing it down I don’t think I’d be where I am now, it’s just so hard to accept all the shoulda woulda couldas we’re just that, unfulfilled promises, words, I have learnt the hard way actions speak louder than words. Even now with the children on paper (email)he seems like the dad of the year but his absence, emotional neglect and drama made of Christmas and his constant emails regarding presents contact for children to not arrange anything and give them no presents not even a card is hard for them and for me to swallow, I’m trying no contact best I can with children and grey rock but it is so hard when they hurt and don’t understand. Thank you again and encouraging me to post a little more….
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I’m so sorry your children have had this experience and I know the pain this causes you as their mum. My first husband was emotionally abusive and is an alcoholic. In the end I stopped all contact after a particularly awful Christmas a few years ago. Whenever he’d raise his ugly head and demand contact I’d simply reply that he’d need to seek legal advice. I still get the odd email now as he’s blocked from my phone. I don’t reply.
As for my child, he’s a bit older now and understands more. I tell him he can’t control his dad and that he’s not in any way to blame or at fault. Over the years of me telling him this and reassuring him I think it’s started to sink in. At Christmas this year when I was upset because of things of late he said “mum, stopping thinking about people who aren’t here and concentrate on those who are”. Such wise words and the very thing I’ve told him many times when he’s cried to me about his dad. I’ve found just being with him in his pain has been helpful. I let him cry it out with me. I tell him it’s normal to feel this way and that if he lets it out it will pass. He never mentions his dad these days. You could seek out some counselling for the children. My son saw someone in school to help with anxiety. While he could talk to me I found it helped him to speak with someone else. Xx -
Thank you again and for sharing, I have recently looked into play therapy not sure if this will be able to go ahead now (with lockdown) but extra mummy time will hopefully help too. I feel you have shared just what I needed to hear, not sure if I am in denial but alcohol certainly played a part with my ex too. I also have been encouraging my child to let it out and recently after my eldest was frustrated instead of the usual rage he has he burst into tears and I had a bitter sweet moment of feeling so proud of him showing emotion, channelling it in a better/positive way (& as upsetting as it is to see your child upset I also felt proud of him and me for achieving that after so long, hopefully with more support which he gets from school and reassuring words from your self that some of what I’m trying is working along with counselling for him and I, there will not be too many more reoccurring issues. Your right it is so hard to see them upset and I shall certainly continue to try anything along with pinching yours and now your sons words as you clearly are doing a good job yourself 🥰, thank you again x
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Have a look on NACOA website if alcohol issues have played a part. Lots of resources and I spoke with a worker there when figuring out what to share with my son.
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Hi Butterfly, It can be really hard to cone to terns with it all, especially when he is still bring so cruel to your children.
Step by step is the way forward. A counsellor who specialises in abuse and trauma can help. Its not always possible to deal with it all in one go. Small doses can be a good way forward.
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Hi Eggshells,
Thank you for reading and responding, your right there are good days and bad, I have a family member telling me to call him out on his s**t as it’s messing up our children and that’s both our problems we don’t talk, but for me & them if it didn’t work in the time we were together for them, why waste my breath anymore now, I’m happier therefore I’m happier for my children, also the energy that goes into that just isn’t worth it and gives me terrible anxiety. An example would be emails regarding xmas presents for children (so not to duplicate) on paper he looks like the caring though full dad, but reality is they received zero, he knows that would of upset them and in turn pressed my button to speak up fir them and then it starts again should I speak for them, yes yes I should, but then no what’s the point, I mean who doesn’t give their kids something on Christmas Day, Boxing Day, the next interaction. It’s so hard but at the same time how do you know when/if at all to pick your battles with these men. To go round again in their Merry go round.
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