Newbie – teenage children advice

[LovestoRun]

Hi

I’ve just joined the forum. What I really need is advice on how to support my children (3 teenage girls) and helping them deal with their father.
I divorced him years ago, he’s an alcoholic gaslighter, but it took me years to realise who/what he was.
I’m happy with a lovely new fella but the girls have to deal with their father. I’ve tried to have open dialogue with them about him, I just need some pointers on how to support them. Thanks very much.

[diymum@1]

Hi there,
I don’t know if im the person to give advice as my daughter is a lost cause to her father now. I don’t see her at all. This is what I wish I had done;
Educate them, the schools are going to include DV and healthy relationships along with sex education in 2020. I look up the meaning of ‘flying monkeys’. He is a gaslighter? do you think he is a n********t? look up gas lighting and (detail removed by moderator) traits also the grey rock method. Its a lot to take in but if you talk to them openly and frankly about all of this its out in the open and up for discussion. Knowledge is power, I know its not always easy to sit teenagers down, but its healthy and good for them especially that they know no matter what you will be there to listen ad to guide them. That’s what we all need most at this age. Wish I had Known all of tHe above so many years ago I might stiLL have my beautiful girl wit me xxxx all the best DIY

[LovestoRun]

Sorry to hear you don’t have a relationship with your daughter. They’re a good lot, I just need to know I’m offering the right support. We’ve discussed (detail removed by moderator), gaslighting, alcoholism and the divorce, why he doesn’t live with us. I try to keep discussions as open as possible and try to be honest.

[diymum@1]

Hi,
Its ok I have to take it in my stride I guess 🙁 He manipulated the situation and lied to her a so destroyed our relationship. She dosent see it like that and I can get through to her. I have another daughter and im going to make sure she knows the warning signs. I cut contact all together with him and my other daughter as he just wouldn’t stop he would have destroyed me and was abusive to my youngest. Its the best thing as a good parent, I think they know in themselves that guidance is what they need. Good old fashioned morals and street sense and they’ll be just fine. If hes starting to damage them go for less contact. At least theyre older you can communicate. My youngest daughter knows that she doesent have to take any abuse from any one and to talk out. Its hard to have to stand up to your own dad but its a tough lesson learned. Also witnessing his alcohol consumption isn’t god for them, we can only be responsible from our side unfortunately. xx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, I agree with DIY, be open and honest, you’re doing them no favours trying to protect them. What you are doing is giving them the knowledge in how to spot these type of people in any future romantic/friend based relationships. That’s parenting.🤝 they need to know to listen to their gut instinct and be okay with saying NO, I wish I’d known about this type of behaviour when I was younger, but our parents couldn’t/ wouldn’t have been able to have had those conversations. Mine couldn’t even do the sex talk😔
Wekcome be to the forum too.

IWMB 💕💕

[Lisa]

Hi there,

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

I’m glad to hear you are happy now. If you are concerned about the impact on your teenage girls, keep the dialogue open as much as you can. You could direct your girls to the Hideout, this is a space for children and young people to help them understand domestic abuse.

There is no excuse for his abusive behaviour, whether he drinks or has mental health issues. He chooses to drink and chooses to be abusive. This may be another important point to stress to your girls.

If you need any further support call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Calls are answered by trained female support workers.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[LovestoRun]

Thanks for signposting Hideout. I’ll pass it on to them when we next have a chat. Hopefully that will give them access to good information.

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