Newbie trying to break a trauma bond…

[Whoopsie]

Hi ladies

I’ve been reading the forum for the past few weeks and have finally plucked up the courage to post!

I ended the most horrendous relationship recently. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m in shock at the way I allowed myself to be treated. When everyone around me was telling me this relationship was no good I defended him. I was in complete denial. He made me feel worthless and not good enough for him, yet every time I tried to leave He’d suddenly change and fight for me back. I was manipulated beyond belief and always found myself back where I started. In the cycle we all know.

My reason for posting is because I’ve been a mess since the relationship ended, even though I definitely don’t want to be in it. It’d drive me crazy at time’s wondering why I’d think about this man all day every day for weeks even though he’d been so horrible to me? And then I read up about trauma bonds and realised that’s what’s going on with me. I can’t stand this man, he’s so horrible, I didn’t enjoy being around him and he made me feel like rubbish tho every time I’d end it I’d feel drawn back. My self esteem was so low I thought he’d be the best I could do, he made it seem like he was doing me a favour being with me because I’d so much baggage. I don’t think I’ve that much baggage to be honest, rather he does but they do like to project don’t they!!

Last year I started feeling extremely low mood wise. It didn’t click it could be my relationship causing it. I blamed it on something else. I decided to start counselling. Only then did I start to realise my relationship was abusive. He never hit me, but I was so scared of him. The last time he lost his temper with me I thought he could of hit me at any time. I can not describe the look in his eyes when he’s angry it’s like it’s a completely different person. He was unhinged and I knew it, I just denied it. I let him make me believe that I was the problem. But I couldn’t deny the impact it was having on me. I thought I was losing my mind, I had morning sickness for months (due to anxiety) and I had no idea why. I was in fight/flight mode every single day…. most of the time I was just in the freeze state. I thought I couldn’t leave anyway because he’d told me I was his and good luck to any man who tried to be with me if he and I ended. But counselling really opened my eyes and made me strong enough to stand up for myself. To see that I didn’t deserve this treatment and that it was abuse and was a cycle. I didn’t leave right away (again I tried but he cried and begged promising change and I was scared of him to be honest) but I’ve left now and that’s the important thing. The thing that he did that caused me to leave for good was incredibly incredibly cruel and my mind is sometimes still trying to work out how a person could even do it. And then it clicks….. he was always cruel the severity of it just escalated. It’s hard to break free but I cannot live my life like that any longer. I’m half the person I was before, I’d of lost my mind completely if I’d of stayed in that destructive cycle.

I realise I’m trauma bonded to him because even though what he’s done is unforgivable. I’m still waiting for him to reach out to say sorry. I’m waiting to be told again it was all some misunderstanding and of course he ‘didn’t mean to be that cruel’….. and that actually he loves me and I’m amazing etc etc….. even though I wouldn’t believe the sorry or anything he had to say?!…… please tell me someone gets this?! lol

Anyone else went through this or have any tips on breaking that trauma bond? I am already no contact and he is blocked everywhere, I’ve told friends family etc I don’t want to be told anything about him (he’s contacted friends during past break up cycles/got his friends to contact me). I think I’m just a bit traumatised by the whole relationship and the cruelty of a person. Any tips for finding me again, breaking the bond and letting go?

I have told my family/friends the basics of what’s happened but haven’t went in to detail as I’m so ashamed of how I allowed myself to be treated when they all told me a million times he was no good, so I haven’t really been talking to anyone about this. I think it’d be hard for some people to understand so I thought why not reach out to the experts on here!

Thanks!!

[Sleepy]

Yes I get it, a little. Breaking that bond takes a bit of time, well it did me, working through things in counselling will help. Recognising it is half the battle. I’m trying to think of tips but can’t right now though sure there are some at the back of my mind, might have to scan through my journal to find them. Nudge me in a day or two if I don’t get back to you.
Sleepy

[Wants To Help]

Hi there,

It’s great that your counselling has helped so much already and that you understand the situation you were in.

Well over a decade after leaving my abuser, he has never once apologised for what he put me through. He still sees himself as a victim and has never forgiven me for taking our son away and the changes my leaving made to his life. In his eyes, he is the victim and therefore, has nothing to apologise for.

These men will never accept any wrong doing, they will never admit to anything. I think one way of getting through this is coming to terms with and accepting that he will never tell you what you want to hear. That remorse will never come. You have to come to accept something that will never happen, you have no control over this.

As reasonable people ourselves, we are the types that will accept responsibility for our actions, we are hurt if we have offended someone (intentionally or unintentionally) and we will apologise. We will accept and learn from our mistakes. We are caring, empathic, compassionate people. We need to accept that these men are not like us. Just as we couldn’t be as cruel, mean, violent as them, they can’t be like us. They are what they are, we need to understand that and let it go. Channel your energy in to things that can be changed and let things go that can’t.

Hopefully by continuing with your counselling you will be able to understand this better. I’ve had several bouts of counselling over the years due to different traumas, but often the DA from the past gets brought back in to it, it does rear its ugly head from time to time. Abuse does change us forever, there’s no doubt about it, but we have to manage those changes and try and channel it in to positive things so we can learn from it and not let it happen again.

[Sleepy]

I think for me the think that really helped was being ask what happy memories I had of him. I could think of 1. That got me thinking, a lot! And made me realise that whatever I thought at the time, it wasn’t a happy relationship, just an illusion of one.

[Author]

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