Newbie with thousand thoughts & questions

[LostLucy]

Hello, I’ve been finding strength & support on here for several weeks but this is the first time I’ve posted anything. Had my ‘lightbulb’ moment as I call it, just under (detail removed by moderator) ago and took action to end my relationship. However rather than informing him it was over for good & deal with the outbursts & pleading for another chance I instead left with my children short term & got my dad to ask him to leave while I was out of the way, having found the courage to finally tell my dad & other family members what I’d been going through. I thought this would be a calmer, less painful way all round if it was done with me out of way. However as he thinks he’s at his mums as I needed a break from his behaviour he’s still in limbo as to what the status of our relationship is. My dilemma is ive been sticking to the zero contact rule, which has made sticking to my decision etc a lot easier, but feel I need to break this in order to write him a letter & make it clear it is over and the reasons why. Just wondered if this was a good idea & if anyone else had done this? I’m constantly going over in my head what I want to say to him & as it ended so abruptly I feel I need to get it down on paper exactly what he’s put us through. From research I know it could be a waste of time, he won’t believe or admit what I’m ‘accusing’ him of. At present he’s written soppy letters, bombarding my friend who’s our third party contact for arranging him to see our child, and crying to anyone who’ll listen that I’ve left him heartbroken, we were both as bad as each other in regards to arguments & that I used to attack him to & it wasn’t that bad. Excuses such as he was ‘in a dark place’ & doesn’t remember most of arguments or what he’s said. He’s in complete denial & im sure always will be. What he’s done is identical behaviour to his last relationship, obviously only realise this all now as at time u believe it’s his exes fault as u only listen to what they’re feeding u. His family etc didn’t have good word to say about her & it’s clear now he turned them against her with his lies. An issue I’m sure he’ll try & repeat again with me. However I’m hoping to handle things differently as I’ve armed myself with information to stay strong and not feed his craving for contact, arguments etc, whereas she did & in turn got deemed ‘hard work, a poison b***h’ etc. I just feel I need to let him know that I’ve worked out exactly what he’s done & what he is so stop with the c**p as it doesn’t wash, carefully worded so it’s not attacking him or angry, just bullet points of examples of what he’s done/said and damage he’s done long term to myself & children. I’d also like to send copy to his mum & siblings, just so they have my version of events rather than only listening to his feeble excuses as to why he’s been kicked out. I was going to include details & evidence of what domestic abuse is and what abuser will say/do so they can make own conclusion. I’m not expecting them to disown him or for it to start a war as I’d like to remain civilised with them for sake of kids, just want to get everything out on paper once & for all so I can draw a line & stop his excuses for contact, answers etc and him acting confused as to why I’ve taken drastic action.
Prior to doing what I did I’d never told anyone of his behaviour towards myself & kisses and what utter hell we were living in so it’s come as a shock that such a funny, lovely, confident guy could be like this. Family & friends I’ve told have been great so wish I’d spoken out ages ago. However now I’m in the stage where I feel I’ve got to justify myself & defend what he’s been saying in defence when confronted by my family. Is this worth it?!
I’ve also seeking support from doctors, a drop in centre etc, they’re advising to contact social services, contact police to press charges & gave me details of Clare’s Law & the ‘Right to know’ domestic violence registrar. I’m torn as to whether to go down this route, not because I don’t want him to have consequences for his actions, as I really do as it makes me angry that he’s getting away with it. However I know it’ll take a lot of my time & energy to take this route to seek justice which may not happen & start the war I’m trying to avoid which fuels years of arguments, more justifying etc. Which is why I’m tempted to draw a line under it & put that energy into being strong & rebuilding mine & kids lives, continue to become more aware of what I’m dealing with in order to use right coping strategies to handle him for sake of contact with children going forward.
I know with these situations there is no closure as such. Undecided of best route. My son also suffered bullying, verbal & physical abuse from him, so I’m angry more so that there’s no consequences of what he done to him, angry with self that I let him do this to my son aged (detail removed by moderator) He’s not his but has been around since son was (detail removed by moderator). Son decided for now he doesn’t want to go on visits with sister to see him. I’ve left it his choice & he’s receiving help to deal with what’s happened but sure he has mixed feelings as to what to do as they had a relationship of sorts away from the violence or what he deemed ‘parenting’ as I was to soft. Ex is declaring love & missing him & can’t ‘understand why’ he doesn’t want to come at weekends. This is where anger kicks in & I feel to give reasons why as he’s deluded & playing dumb and the victim card.
Sorry for long post, there’s lots going on at once as its early stages. Any advice for any part would be great. Thanks x

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome. I would write your letter, write everything down but do not send it. In my experience it won’t make a difference to the people he has manipulated this far. These people will have to find out in their own time, the way you did. They are like you were in the early days of your relationship and in denial, for the moment. Writing to them will only give him ammunition. Speak to a solicitor and get the legal part started. That should leave him in no doubt of your intentions. They are Oscar winners when it comes to playing the victim card. You know what happened and you don’t need other people’s validation. You lived through it. Your self confidence will return in time and you will realise this. When this man realises he’s not getting you back, you will see that evil side once again and he will absolutely try to destroy you. I went to the police and am glad I did it. I didn’t have a young family so it’s upto you but holding him to account through the courts was a big deal for me. No matter what you do he will always lie, manipulate, bully threaten, beg, plead, become aggressive, cry. Whatever it takes in his mind to regain control so keep yourself safe. Do not give him any ammunition. I was so lucky that my friends and family were so supportive and believed me. He had told me nobody would. Surround yourself with these people. Now you have seen the real him, and what he’s capable of, you know what to expect X

[EeyoreNoMore]

I agree wholeheartedly with KIP. If you write it all down it could be quite cathartic but sending it to him and breaking your no contact isn’t a good idea. You’ve been doing fabulously so far.

Sounds like guilt makes you want to explain but what do you have to feel guilty for? Protecting yourself? Protecting your children? You have nothing to apologise for an no explanation me to give. Give him an insight into your mind and he’ll twist it and use it against you. Xx

[lostandbroken]

Hi hun.

I did just that… I wrote him a letter of why i left and what his abuse did to me. It never worked, all it did was invite him back in with ammunition. Then came the kidnap and assault, he really got me back for hurting him, he wanted me to hurt like he did and boy it worked. I was battered and bruised.

Dont break the no contact… It wont work hun.

You have to keep away and work on your health for you and your child.

I really hope your ok xx

[LostLucy]

Hi all, thanks so much for taking the time to respond. Nice to know there is advice & support out there. Think I’ll get it on paper just to get thoughts out of my head or I’ll drive myself mad. I’m sure it would fuel him to defend himself if sent, we both know truth even if others don’t. Social services have been informed whether I like it or not through my docs from what I’ve told them so we’ll see where that leads. Also waiting for a referral for counselling which I think will be a great help. Currently have handful of friends & family that I’ve told what’s happening, many others hearing stuff through grapevine & calling for gossip so trying to keep my circle small & keep others away. See biggest shock to everyone is that we only got married in May so it lasted 4 months so it’s got everyone talking. The shame of calling off a wedding & now it lasting such a short time is what I was concerned about but finally had to stop caring what others thought & put self & children first. This forum has been amazing & I’ll continue to seek strength from words of amazing & strong women on here. Xx

[KIP.]

Just think how strong you were to do that. After 4 months. My husband turned into a monster after we married. It’s like a switch for some abusers. Like now they have you trapped they can treat you anyway they like. Just be glad you ended it when you did and you have nothing to be ashamed of. It takes two to make a marriage work and he had no intentions of trying. All that matters is the people around you who love you. Everyone else doesn’t know the real story and can keep their opinions X any contact with him will be toxic. It will give him back the power and leave you feeling distraught. There is no closure with an abuser. I once read it’s like he walked out the door and was killed. There is no satisfactory explanation. No reassuring words and absolutely no closure. Abusers only want to get close enough to slap us again so keep yourself safe ❤️

[Ayanna]

Just send him the divorce papers. No letter.

[strong soul]

Writing it down for your own benefit is definitely a good idea. I really think that you need to ask for legal advice, especially if you have children together. Well done for making the decision to leave, it takes alot of courage and shows how strong you are.

[Author]

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