Newbie wondering if I’m in an abusive relationship?

[Confusedgeek]

Apologies, this will be long.

My other half does things that I consider half abusive, but I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. He has not done any of 1 or 2 for (detail removed by moderator) months.
1. Smashes up stuff in the house when he gets angry
2. Threatens with suicide
3. Keeps giving me little comments about me doing wrong, telling me off for stuff all the time, I have lost all confidence since getting with him. He never says anything nice about me.
4. Spends very little time with me, mostly with his friends (detail removed by moderator)
5. Does not do any housework whatsoever. I have to pick up his dirty socks on the floor, which makes me feel a bit worthless and disrespected.

We have a young son together, and he does his share of childcare and is very good with him. We live in a somewhat isolated place (my choice), and because I can’t drive, I can’t really get anywhere as public transport here is rubbish. I have no family as I am not English, and only a small amount of friends, none of which I can stay with.

Am I being silly, or is his behaviour a bit off? I think I want to leave, but I have nowhere to go, and if I got stuck in this flat here, I would not have any job opportunities or any means of getting around. I really cannot live here. I am very scared of how my partner would react to me wanting to split up.

Thanks for any replies.

[danicali]

Hi there. Firstly, no, you are not being “silly.”

I am quite concerned for you given you say you aren’t from England and so you have nobody to go to, you are isolated – that makes you particularly vulnerable.

I don’t know what you mean by “half abuse”. it’s either abuse, or it’s not. What you described, smashing things, threatening suicide – are both definite forms of abuse. One is physical, the other emotional “head working” – both meant to cause you fear and upset, the end goal, to control you and possibly try to break you (which ultimately makes you easy to control). Blaming you for everything is childish and also the hallmark of an abusive person.

Do not let him head work you. Do not let him try to convince you that you are crazy, or to blame for everything, or a bad mom, or whatever else he may try and communicate to you. Don’t let him.

Your main long term worry here is you need to be very, very careful how you play your hand if you do decide to leave him and you want to keep your son with you full time. Why? Because you aren’t from here and you are isolated and you have no income apart from reliance on him. Within hours, if he wants, he can cancel your cards, etc so that you have no money at all. If you are able to do this, start to store some money somewhere that he cannot find or know about. Call it a “rainy day” fund.

If you are able to buy a very small recording device to keep it on yourself, next time he starts threatening suicide, would you be able to get it on tape without putting yourself at risk? Can you download a recording application on your mobile phone without him noticing, then pretend you’re playing around with it but actually start recording him? If he can get violent, it might not be a good thing to do this, but if you feel he won’t get violent with you, then think about this. If you do manage to get anything, keep it stored somewhere SAFE in case you need it later.

Are you a British Citizen? If not, look into becoming one if you are able to, because if you do leave him, and he goes for custody, etc…. ensure your right to stay here for good, if you so wish. Not having this right makes you even more vulnerable in so many ways particularly with this current political climate…

I don’t want to scare you too much which is why I haven’t gone into detail here, but all I am saying for now is Yes it’s abuse, they almost never improve, and that if you do decide to leave him be very, very careful how you do it. x

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