Newly married, a little worried.

[snowybunny]

Hi all,
I have been reading some posts here for a while, trying to gain the courage to create my own post and reach out for advice.

Sadly I was raised in a very abusive household, physical and emotional abuse from both of my parents who both had substance abuse issues, my mother also has diagnosed mental health issues which she was hospitalised for when I was still in primary school.
I have not seen my mother in person for a while and have very limited contact with her via text.
I am still in contact with my father but that is because he is unwell and all of his family live in other parts of the UK, however we never talk in depth about my childhood because he simply says that he can not remember what happened!

Things have improved a lot since I got married and moved out (both recently)
Overall we have a good marriage and most of the time I feel cared for and loved. However there are a few things that are starting to worry me a little bit,
if I try to talk to him about how I feel and the feeling is one of even slight unhappiness my husband will hush me, literally by saying hush if we are talking on the phone or putting his finger on my lips if we are together in person. If I continue trying to express my feelings he will say “That’s enough now honey” and say that I have to think positively all of the time and never be depressed, he says that because I believe in God, I should never feel upset or anxious about anything and that a good wife is meant to be happy all of the time, regardless of what happens.
Also he will sometimes try to limit my food intake, to the point of me passing out (once) which I believe was due to the lack of food consumed over a few days leading up to that day. I have tried to express how worrying this is to me and that I have had eating disorders (one diagnosed and which I was hospitalised for as a teenager and another one, not the same type, suspected and offered counselling for since then but a while ago) in the past and he will laugh and say because I am not thin now it will be ok! Yet very confusingly he will vary this with sometimes taking me out for a meal and buying me chocolate.
I do not want to end up divorced because I would feel ashamed and I don’t think this is very bad at the moment, he can be very kind, helpful, calls me sweet names, he pays for all of the living costs and tells me every day that he loves me and won’t leave me. I love him too.
Yet if things were to escalate, I know that I could not return to my parents home and they would just say that it was my own fault for marrying him, my mother once said that if anything bad happened in the marriage then it would be my own fault for choosing to marry him.

Is there anything I can do to make my husband listen to me more when I try to express my feelings or should I just try to find someone else to express my feelings to if I am a little bit upset?
How can I make him understand that I do not like him limiting my food intake and that this is worrying for me?

Peace

[IrisAtwood]

Hi Snowy,
Unfortunately you cannot ‘make him’ understand. All you can do is to state clearly and repeatedly that you have a right to eat what you want and when you want. At the very least he has no right to restrict your food at all and this is very concerning as it is an abusive behaviour.
Similarly you have a right to express your feelings and to discuss how you are feeling and why with him. This is something which you must tell him and keep telling him.
It is also very worrying that he puts his fingers to your lips to stop you talking. This is another abusive behaviour.
The difficulty is that you are describing a very controlling man and much of what you describe often occur before physical abuse.
Your safety is paramount, so if you don’t feel safe having the discussion with him then the only choice you have is to leave and find somewhere safe, where you will be respected and listened to.
Try not to worry about what your parents think or about the fact that you cannot return to the parental home. Many women are in this position and there are other options for accommodation and support. No one wants to have a failed relationship, but it is better to be separated than to be abused. No one has the right to judge you or your choices.
The first thing to do is to ring the helpline – it is often very busy at this time of year, so keep trying. The other thing is to find some support from friends and people that you trust.
My ex partner behaved in similar ways and over time he became more and more verbally destructive and controlling toward me. He could also be lovely, sweet, gentle and kind. He was very physically affectionate too, but none of that is important. An abusive man will be nice at times, otherwise we wouldn’t fall for them or stay with them! The abuse outweighs everything else though and I became a hollow shell of myself: depressed, anxious and with rock bottom self esteem. It will take a long time for me to recover.

[Copperflame]

Hi Snowy and welcome to the forum.

I’m afraid your husband does sound very controlling and I echo everything IrisAtwood has said to you. I would have said the exact same things to you myself. However, your husband is also subjecting you to religious or spiritual abuse because he is using your faith in God to tell you how a ‘good’ wife should behave, yet by controlling you he is not behaving as a good husband, because the Bible says he must respect you. He is not respecting your right to express your feelings and to eat what you like and when you choose.

I’ve had two abusive relationships and your post transported me back in time to my first abuser when I was a young bride. My first ex used to put his finger on my lips and shush me as well, when he didn’t want me to talk about certain things. He used to treat me like a child and say stuff like he didn’t want to see a frown spoil “that pretty little face” and that I looked so much prettier when I was smiling.

He also used to restrict my food intake because he wanted me to have the perfect figure. I now have a problem with emotional over eating, which I believe is a result of forced starvation when I was with him. However, with an eating disorder, restricting your food intake could be potentially dangerous and the fact that he is not ‘hearing’ you when you try to explain this, is very abusive and disrespectful behaviour.

For an abusive man, it’s all about control. To this kind of man, marriage is not about an equal partnership, but about training you to become obedient and subservient without a mind of your own.

It is the nature of abusive relationships that they go through periods when the abuser is loving, generous, funny, kind and caring. If the abuser was horrible all the time you would very quickly be out of there, so their way of keeping you in the relationship is to make sure they are kind, loving and generous. The sad fact is that abuse escalates over time and the ‘good’ periods become shorter and shorter until they pretty much disappear – by which time you are likely to be suffering from depression and anxiety and be a shadow of your former self.

I agree it would be a good idea to ring the helpline. The lines are often busy, but if you leave a voicemail with a time window when it is safe to call you back, they will get back to you. Another thing you can do is Google domestic abuse and in particular the ‘cycle of abuse’ so that you can gain a better handle of what’s going on in your marriage.

Best wishes, Copperflame xx

[snowybunny]

Thank you both very much for replying and providing more information that sadly my husband is likely abusive.
I will keep in mind that his behaviour towards me can occur before physical abuse and will reach out to the helpline if he keeps not hearing me or if things escalate.

I am sorry to hear that you have both experienced similar abusive behaviour and I hope for full healing for you both.

Copperflame, I never thought of my husband subjecting me to religious abuse before, but reading and re reading this part your post
“For an abusive man, it’s all about control. To this kind of man, marriage is not about an equal partnership, but about training you to become obedient and subservient without a mind of your own.”
Reminds me of what he often says to me, that wives have to be obedient to their husband all of the time and that he wants me to be subservient to him, he also threatens that I will go to hell if I don’t listen to him, sometimes he says this so much in a short time frame and in such a harsh tone that I cry and he just says that he has the right to correct me as my husband and that it is better for me to face his judgement rather than God’s judgement.
Also, I can relate to what you said about frowning, my husband has tried to push my frown away with his fingers a few times when he saw me frown at something he said and said that I have no rights to be upset at anything he says.

I have googled cycle of abuse and will keep reading more about this.
It is true that we would not fall for these men or stay with them if they were constantly abusive. It is almost as if the good and kind times make it difficult to see the abuse and brings hope that things will go back to how they were at the start when things felt wonderful and so full of promise, hope and happiness.

Best wishes and peace
xx

[KIP.]

Sadly abuse always gets worse. Very often after marriage and my ex was outrageous after our child was born. Also very common. The helpline number on here is great for support. For me the Psycological damage was far worse and longer lasting than anything physical. Making you cry is horrendous and bad for your mental health. Depression is anger turned inwards.

[Tiffany]

I think you know this already Snowbunny, but you will not go to hell if you don’t obey your husband, and he cannot stand in judgement over you in place of God. The idea that submitting to his will is a protection against God’s wrath is frankly ludicrous. It suggests that your husband wants you to see him as a God in your eyes, which is really quite worrying. Please don’t confront him over this as it could be dangerous to you. But if the religious threats worry you then I would suggest that you read your religious texts and take your religious guidance from there. If you are Christian I would suggest focusing on the New Testament, as it’s message often contradicts commands of the old Testament, and as the New testament is based on the words of Jesus and the old one isn’t I think it has to take precedence. If you are Muslim and don’t read Arabic then I would have a look at a copy of the Qur’an in translation, to give you an idea of the general messages of the book – I know it isn’t the literal word of God as it is in Arabic, but you are going to get better guidance from it than your husband. Buddhism and Hinduism don’t really have the concept of hell and I am afraid that my knowledge of other religions isn’t in-depth enough to know where to go to read about them. But I hope this helps. Also if you believe that obedience is a good thing in a wife, please remember that it is only half of an agreement – even if you chose to have it as part of your wedding vows your agreeing to obey him does not mean that you should have all the responsibility and that he has gained all your rights. Even within a relationship where the wife has vowed to obey the husband has the responsibility to care for you, and only to make reasonable requests of you, and also to recognise that you are choosing to obey and to appreciate that, rather than expecting it and punishing you if you don’t. He is the one breaking your covenant of marriage at the moment by acting in an abusive way towards you. You are not failing in your marriage because he is making unreasonable demands. Trust me in this. I dated a man from another culture, who demanded that I obeyed him because it was disrespectful to his religion if I didn’t. I wasn’t disrespectful of his religion, and even if I had been it wouldn’t have justified him starting to physically abuse me after we got engaged. He hit me because he liked having power over me. It made him feel big. And that has nothing to do with religion.

[snowybunny]

Thank you for the encouragement to phone the helpline KIP.
I’m sorry to hear that the abuse increased after your child was born, it is really shocking and saddening that abuse can escalate at such times.

Thank you so much for your reply Tiffany, it was very helpful.
Me and my husband are both Muslim.
I will keep in mind not to confront him, I usually clam up when he is like this. I did manage to reach out to one of my friends about things, she said don’t let him bully me and even if I end up divorced I wasn’t to know he was like this before we married and that I could do better than him as my husband.

I feel a bit guilty posting here and also a bit nervous that he could somehow find out that I have been, even though I go to a friend’s house to make the posts and he hasn’t look through my phone or texts at all.

Thank you all for reading and replying to my post.

Peace xx

[KIP.]

That kind of fear and guilt is how we are trapped by abusers. The FOG of abuse. The FEAR OBLIGATION AND GUILT. X don’t keep silent. Speak to as many people as you can until you realise his behaviour is wrong and he chooses to behave that way x

[keepmovingfoward]

Marriage vows give no obligation to obey. My abuser, i considered him to be a religious man, he had studied at a church college for a degree in (detail removed by Moderator), knew the bible inside out, he tried to use it against me, had his close friends use it against me. i was torn between him and what i considered right by my marriage and my children in an awful situation where i risked loosing custody of them (to their biological father) if i stayed with my abuser due to something in his past which caught up with him.

i thank god everyday that all the prayers i said lead me unexpectedly away from him and towards my children. once my head had cleared from the manipulation and twisted thoughts he filled my mind with i can see him more for what he was and how dangerous a situation myself and my children were in.
Recovery is harder though, although i can function reasonably well on a normal level it will take me a long time to trust someone as a partner again.

[snowybunny]

Hi all.
Thank you all so much for your advice, I really appreciate it.

KIP – I think one of my friends told some of her friends about my difficult marriage and one of them offered to help and now I have their number if I need to contact them. I feel less alone in this now and I am happily surprised they are supportive and not simply telling me to stay and try harder.

Keepmovingforward – I am very happy that you and your children are free now and this gives me hope for the future. I know that God does not want anyone to suffer or be abused, especially by those who claim to love them and vow to them.

Sorry I haven’t posted here in a while, things began to get better, we moved and had a holiday abroad, but it is there that he left me crying on the hotel room floor after I said I didn’t like how he talked to me sometimes. I got so upset by this and how he is with me sometimes that I took my wedding ring off and tried to give it back to him! He just totally ignored me, didn’t say anything at all for a while afterwards, then once we returned home he made me ask for his forgiveness for taking the ring off, so I did, he said he forgave me. He left me crying on the floor and in the bathroom twice since this.
What I find a bit confusing is that he is now encouraging me to seek help, I do have a lot of pain and difficult emotions just before and after my periods and he is now blaming the difficulty in marriage on this (either this or a jinn/demon)
I have had tests at the hospital to try to find the cause of the very painful and heavy periods luckily all clear so now I am on pain medicines for that time.
I even offered to seek help from my friends of the same faith if he is so concerned that the difficulty is caused by a jinn, but then he says it will cost too much money and the women will gossip about me. I then told him he should leave me then if it’s too difficult for him to cope with, he then said something in his mothertongue which means “he is banging his head on a wall” and gestured this with his hand.
Now only lives here part time, but he is looking for a job nearer so we could be together all of the time and yet this is what the marriage is like at the moment and has been for a few months.
I’m far from perfect and have many faults in being a good wife, but I really am trying my best.
I think he knows our marriage is at breaking point and maybe him moving away for most of the time is his way of ending the marriage slowly, but why would he bother to look for a job nearer if this was the case!?

With peace and best wishes

[KIP.]

Hi snow bunny. Be careful of him moving the blame away from himself. Also, abusers are often serial cheaters so be careful he is not lining up his next victim or another woman to cause you further pain. Mine did this, thinking I would come running into his arms. Thinking he could make me jealous. Please get in touch with your local women’s aid and seek counselling from someone with extensive experience of domestic abuse issues. Make sure you’re financially independent too, so if you don’t work then think about a job. Keep posting for support. We are all behind you x

[snowybunny]

Hello KIP.
Thank you very much for your reply. I have my suspicions that he may be trying to find another woman, when we were abroad I glanced over at his emails and saw one saying (Detail removed by Moderator) he noticed me looking over and turned his phone off.
I waited a while and asked him about it and he just said I should be more submissive and accepting even if he found someone else and that he wouldn’t leave any of us. I cried and said what comfort is that and he has no idea how nervous that makes me feel, plus an STD risk if he did this. He knows my anxiety can be bad at times and will just complain if I pace up and down when I get very anxious like I did on the night I tried to give him my wedding ring back.
I will phone the helpline when he is not at the property and try to get the details of the counselling.
I once told him I was thinking about looking for work and he laughed and said I wouldn’t even make the rent because my qualifications are too low and I don’t know enough maths to even get into college, he said he would try to help me learn maths, he helped me for a few hours and nothing since. I found an online course but found it too difficult as I don’t even know the basics in times tables to learn the course.

I’m sorry to hear this happened to you KIP, I hope you have managed to heal and are much happier and care free now.

With love and peace

[freedomtochoose]

Hello Snowy bunny,
God is with you lovely. And God will strengthen you hand.
Better to get out of an abusive marriage early. You will stand a better chance of happiness
and following God’s purpose for you. I believe that God is kind and especially with those
who are facing challenges like the ones we have all had to face. And especially in the tough
times.

There is inspiration from feminist and I believe muslim feminist theology. When I left my marriage I faced an endless stream of seemingly impossible situations. Each time I prayed and each time, to be
very truthful – total miracles happened in terms of the help I received, often and often from a complete stranger.

My own personal biggest mistake was to share a bank account. You need your own. If you don’t have one yet, please get one and put money in it, in secret if you have to. You will need it.

The Force is with us (and yes, I have just seen Solo…twice…I recommend it…)

all best
ftc
x

[Poets corner]

Hi Snowy Bunny. Sorry to hear of your experiences. I just wanted to reply and say that I have experienced religious control.
We are Catholic, there is no divorce allowed in my church, and for years I honestly thought that God would judge me if I left and I had to stick with my marriage, however bad it was, because that’s what I had vowed to do in church. This was a big part of why I stayed even when things were so bad at ole point that I became suicidal. My husband always said that he could not be divorced because we were married by God.
Anyway – something happened and suddenly I realised, this was another form of control and nobody would judge me for wanting simply to be happy. It was a huge weight off my mind.
I hope it works out for you. God will not judge you for standing up for yourself when you are so unhappy, I really believe that now.

[snowybunny]

Hello ftc.
Thank you so much for replying, your message was very inspiring and encouraging to me that even after seemingly impossible situations after you left, total miracles happened with help even from strangers.
I am happy to hear this.
I will remember what you (and all the other lovely ladies) have wrote when there is any doubt of leaving, the emotionally abuse is happening more often now, my husband even commented that I am crying almost every day at what he says now. Luckily I managed to maintain my own bank account, I changed the statements to a friends house so he wouldn’t know and I try not to use the card when he is here.
Best wishes x

Hi Poets corner
Thank you for taking time to reply, I am sorry to hear that what you experienced made you feel suicidal, a healthy marriage/relationship/friendship should never make us feel this way or make us question ourselves etc, I think I have woken up and realised this. It is great that you got out of the abusive marriage, God would want marriage to be filled with love, mutual respect and understanding and abusive is the total opposite.
With peace and best wishes
x

[maddog]

You are doing so well, Snowy, to start posting here and gently removing those rose-tinted spectacles. When I got married I had my doubts. I sort of knew there was something wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Finding the button took me years and years and years. All the rows when I was effectively told to shut up. All the times he told me in all seriousness that he had the right to criticise me and defend himself. His relentless sulks… The lack of love. The being used as a sex toy…. On and on and I forgave him again and again and again. I didn’t see the cycle.

Well done! You have nothing at all to be ashamed of. Your husband has a great deal to be very ashamed of. My ex husband is a master of passive aggression. When I looked it up, there were endless links to n********m.

[snowybunny]

Hello maddog
Thank you very much for taking time to reply, I really appreciate your encouragement. I am really sorry that you experienced such a horrible and traumatic cycle for many years, I truly hope you have found (or on the path to find) happiness and peace, we all deserve this, especially after enduring abuse from those closest to us, who vowed to us, who we thought we could trust and get love back from. I read (removed by moderator) are not capable of love or empathy or that it is false and never lasting.

Summerday – Thank you so much for letting me know about the book, it sounds amazing, very helpful and healing. I have started to read the preview. I will finish reading the preview and order the book next week once my husband leaves again.

[maddog]

I think my ex is a covert N. It has been as though for all these years he has been digging a sink hole underneath me so I can’t see it. Then the ground goes from beneath my feet and he is still there, digging away.

[Author]

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