Newly separated and struggling

[Starsbright]

I was with my husband for (detail removed by moderator). Over that time we separated several times but he always premised to change and we got back together. He wasn’t abusive in the many ways, he has autism and (detail removed by moderator) which means he struggled with executive function and has poor impulse control and anger issues. I was his Carer but finally I couldn’t cope with his anger and (detail removed by moderator) he moved out. He expected me to have him back the next day but I have refused to let him back in the house and he’s currently living in an (detail removed by moderator) and supposedly arranging to rent a flat. My problem is that he refuses to accept that the relationship is over. He’s constantly messaging, emailing and ringing me. If I don’t reply he contacts my children. He’s threatened to end it all, he actually rang the police and told them he was going to jump in front of a train, they came and took him to the hospital where they sectioned him for a few hours then let him go. He’s really attached to our (detail removed by moderator) dogs and comes round nearly every day to take them for a walk. I feel like I’m not free of him at all , I’m constantly on edge knowing he’s going to be coming round again but I am afraid if I refuse to let him come and see the dogs that he might harm himself. I know people will say to call his bluff but having looked after him for (detail removed by moderator) it’s really hard to break the habit. He even asked me to take him shopping with me (He can’t drive because of his disabilities) I found it very hard to say no to him, I managed to say no but I’m finding that I’m constantly feeling on edge knowing I’ll see him again soon. My daughter thinks I should cut all contact, my son thinks I should support him as he isn’t really capable of looking after himself. I just don’t know what to do. Has anyone managed to stay friends with their abuser after the relationship has ended?

[Eggshells]

I tried to stay colleagues but it didn’t work. The abuse continued but just in a different setting.

As his carer, you will know better than anyone how his autism will affect his ability to deal with this change. A lot of abusers will hold on to their relationship for as long as they possibly can so that they can continue their abuse. I’m guessing that his autism will make him even more keen to keep everything just as I was?

You are trying to deal with two conflicting opinions of people you love. At the end of the day, you have to live with your decision so it has to be up to you.

I wrote a list of the pro’s and cons of staying and leaving. Oddly the list itself didn’t help. Looking at it there were more positives for staying than negatives. However, what I realised was that my gut instinct started to kick in. Despite all the positives for staying, the appeal of spending the rest of my life abuse free seems to outweigh everything else.

[Chestnut]

Hi Starsbright, this sounds really difficult. I have had a little bit similar relative to OH having a health condition. I realised I felt incredibly responsible for him and in turn very guilty for ending things and him not having my support. It has been a very painful realisation to totally accept that I am not responsible for him, I would never want something bad to happen to him but you cannot always protect someone and you can’t take responsibility for their life as difficult as it may be. To ease my own anxiety I think I researched loads and basically gave him everything I had found. It was then up to him if he did anything to help himself. You will work this out and what is right for you but there will likely need to be a boundary there where you accept his life is his and yours is yours, you are not a horrible person for letting him find his own way! Not sure if this makes sense x

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