Next steps

[Pink unalome]

Hi everyone.
I’ve finally found the courage to admit I’ve been in an abusive relationship for (detail removed by moderator). Over the years my husband has mainly verbally abused me but there have also been occasions where me and my children have been physically abused. He has been controlling and manipulative and I have always been led to believe that his behaviour was my fault. When I have previously said that I would be leaving him he has threatened to take the kids away, take the house etc etc. He also regularly says he’s going to kill himself and/or me and the children. So….. after a long chat with a very good friend and my sister I found the courage to report the abuse to the police. I reported several incidents, and the police insisted they would arrest my husband that same night with or with out my consent. I therefore reluctantly made a statement and was advised (phone call from an officer) he would be held on remand until he appeared in court. The police have subsequently released him with no charge as the CPS dropped the case. I feel so let down by them, I didn’t want him to be arrested in the first place as I knew how angry it would make him. While under arrest they also gave him a psychiatric assessment, and I was shocked to find out he was fine and the things he had been saying, the pictures he was sending, was again manipulation tactics to make me feel sorry for him! He is on anti depressants, but I’m even starting to doubt if he actually needs them or not! Moving on I have been referred by the police for an emergency non molestation order and this should be in place by the end of next week.
I’m so sorry for the long message. But, back to the reason I’m posting on here, I’d just like some advice as to what the next steps are? I now know I need him out of my life and want to make the first steps to make this happen. But what about the kids?? If I’m not around I have no control over what he says or does to them. He is very good at manipulating them as well?
Thanks in advance xx

[Lottieblue]

Hello @pinkunalome,

Firstly, welcome to the forum, and secondly congratulations for having the courage to do everything you have done so far.

Have you taken advice from a solicitor or from Women’s Aid at all? There are a lot of sources of support out there to help you though these next stages. It is completely understandable that you are anxious about what happens next.

I’m sure that someone on here will be along to give you good advice soon, but try the above two first.

Good luck x

[Pink unalome]

Thank you for your message @lottieblue
I have spoken to so many people over the past couple of weeks I have no idea who is involved anymore! I am so confused and feel completely overwhelmed.
I’m just so worried about telling him it’s finally over. Up until now I have simply told him I need space. I’m really worried how he’ll react once he knows it’s final. The people I have spoken to so far have given me lots of advice and support to do with the non molestation order, what to do in an emergency etc etc. But I feel I need more support and advice as to how I approach the subject of leaving him and how to talk to the children. Hopefully that will come. One day at a time hey 🙂
Thanks again xx

[Beautifulday]

Hi @pink unalome
Welcome to the forum! Firstly well Done on everything you have done so far! It takes a lot of courage and strength to take the steps you ready have! You have recognised there is a problem and you are starting to act and get yourself out of the situation.

Like yourself I am dreading that final conversation where I tell him its over, it makes me so so nervous, (detail removed by moderator) I broached the subject told him I wasn’t happy and was seeking legal advice, he just looked at me vague and since then it’s been brushed under the carpet like hes not getting the point. I think with these men you need to straight talk , get to the point we are such empaths and slways caring about others that we try to word it nicely for fear of upsetting them etc, when really we shouldn’t care what they think when they’ve ruined our lives
When you do get courage to have that conversation say it clearly and openly otherwise like im my case where I kind of broached it it doesn’t work 🙁 you really have to hold strong, gather strength and dont let them play victim or suck you back in.
If its possible would you feel more comfortable with another person there when you tell him? Some people prefer this and find it helps.

Just put to the forefront everything he has done and said to you that are bad and hold these thoughts in your mind, its so easier said than done I know as I’m trying to leave myself.

Keep strong lovely and keep posting xx

[Lottieblue]

Well, I am in the same situation as you both but, on several occasions on this forum, people have said to me that there is no hurry, you will know when the time is right. I think this is true.

I have taken time to read and to bolster myself, to take advice so that I know that what I am doing is right so that at no point will I doubt myself. This has taken time because of the FOG – Fear Obligation Guilt.
I am also using time to put things in place. Practically speaking. And in my head too.

Listen to me! Sounds like I have it sorted! I really don’t. I am still waiting for that moment, the moment that I feel it’s right. But I am using that waiting time to be productive. Almost to stir up the hate within myself so that I can’t cave. Weaken. I’ve just started another thread actually, “It’s not my fault”, and this is what I’m doing to myself – for every situation where he might suggest that it’s my doing, I am balancing it with one where there is NO DOUBT and matching his behaviour up to some of the traits outlined in This is My Abuser (parts I and II) – for example, the driving to scare. How can that be my fault? Nope. He’s an abuser.

How is all that relevant to you and what you have said? Well, I think that once you know that you have got everything in place, your ducks in a row, your head in the right place, you will be able to do it, but I think that it’s important that this is the case.

Do have a good look around this forum – scroll through the pages as topics slip down the list fast – and you will see that a lot of people have the same questions as you, and you may find some really good advice.

LB x

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